As I continue to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century, my seemingly eternal encounter with `new technology` gathers pace.   Having just about come to terms with things like PCs, blogging, a car with about 18 computers in it and mobile phones, I now have the new challenge of understanding SkyQ.

(I should add that my mastery of mobile phones is limited by not having a smart one - mine is just a phone really with nice big numbers and seems to enjoy being switched off.)

Anyway, SkyQ arrived the other day accompanied by a helpful young man who installed it and gave me some staccato `instructions` about how to use it.   I thought it best to get on to the internet, find `Understanding SkyQ for Dummies,` printing it off and  taking my time to get my head around it.   Which, to be fair, I have just about managed to do.  Possibly.

Just two problems I encountered, however.  The first was to discover that you can`t get the BBC red button teletext service on SkyQ.  I don`t know why, but you just can`t, which makes it a bit inconvenient as I have to go upstairs, turn on our old steam driven analogue TV to get up to date with things like cricket scores and the football gossip column.   Not the end of the world - I`ll live with it, although I`m sure that if I had a smart phone I could get things like that on there.  I mustn't be tempted though.

The second issue is that on our old Sky+HD box, I had quite a lot of stuff that I had recorded, especially some really favourite films.  Proper films with stories, once upon a time and happy endings, ones from times gone by which had appeared on the excellent Talking Pictures TV channel.   Three particular favourites were `A Canterbury Tale,` which I have managed to track down on You Tube where the whole film is available;  `Dulcima` - a particular favourite for its story by HE Bates, its captivating locations in the Cotswolds and an especially becoming performance by the late and much missed Carol White;  and `When the Whales Came,` another with a proper story, this time by Michael Morpurgo, about life on the Isles of Scilly around the time of WW1 and a vivid reminder of our visit there many years ago.

I`ve managed to buy the DVD of `Dulcima` which will be handy if I can get the DVD player to work in conjunction with SkyQ but the DVD for `When the Whales Came` is `not available` even on Mr. Bezos`s site.   Guess I`ll just have to hope that it turns up again one day on TPTV.

So, onwards and upwards on my journey into a burgeoning hi-tech, state-of-the-art, ocean-going future?  I just wonder what might be next.

 

Just a quick one.   

There are times when, without wishing to appear boastful, I am quite pleased with myself.   First, I think I have cracked the new version of blogger - the old one, which I got used to and in fact have used since day one of this blog, has been consigned to the bin by the blogging overlords.   I`m not sure the new one is very much different but I think I`ve got my head around it now - I think. 

Next I think I`ve cracked the sat nav in the new car.   Thanks to the help of an obliging granddaughter I managed to set the course for our holiday destination last week and, following the instructions of the nice young lady who was barking instructions at me throughout the journey, we managed to arrive safely at our destination.   The really good news is that the sat nav has an option for `Home` which I punched in and once again the instructions were clear and delivered in a rather fetching if not seductive voice and which, despite the vagaries of the M25, saw us arrive home safely too.

So, my constant grappling with new things is paying dividends.  Onwards and upwards indeed.

COMETH THE HOUR.....

A couple of weeks ago I had a moan about things being far too complicated these days and I cited the examples of cars, mobile phones and televisions.   At the time, our television had suffered a terminal meltdown and we had to go and buy a new one.   We were promised delivery round about 20th/24th of August but it was not until the early hours of Bank Holiday Monday (yesterday) that it finally arrived.

It was just a deliver and go job - I was left with a big box containing the television set and all the gubbins that went with it and given the task of putting it together and making it work.   In the shop when we ordered it, the nice young man asserted that, although the new TV was a high end, hi-tech, state-of-the-art, ocean going, sooper-dooper, cutting edge version,  it was nevertheless a simple process to plug it in and get it going.  "A child of three could do it," he confirmed.

Where`s a child of three when you need one?   I decided to take it step by step, read the `instructions` carefully, take my time and not be rushed into what might well have been a challenging task.  So, off I went and after a bit of a struggle on my own I managed to get the legs on the right way round and sit the TV on its stand.   Next, plugging it in was OK as was fixing the various leads from things like the Sky box and the DVD player into what I hoped were the right holes in the back of the TV.

Turned it on - it worked !!   Well, I then reached the bit where you are presented with more options than the players Manchester United are reported to be about to sign.  I managed a couple of steps along the way and then got to a bit which seemed beyond my octogenarian understanding.  Hardly surprising for one whose first look at a TV set was back in 1953 when my Dad bought a 9-inch black and white set which had a magnifying glass strapped to the screen to make it look bigger - and then there were only a couple of stations to choose from.  (He said he bought it so that my Mum could watch the Coronation whereas the reality was that he got it in time for the Matthews Cup Final that year.)

So, I`m stuck - I have two or three choices;  panic, give in, or go next door and see if my neighbour - a mere slip of a lad in his late 50s - could help.   Of course, being the accommodating soul he is and clearly well versed in the ways of modern technology, he was able to guide me through the litany of options as they appeared on the screen.  Some have been postponed for lack of password recollection but we might come back to those and see if we can get Netflix, Google, Youtube, Disney, BBC 2 and all the other goodies that seem available these days.   (All I really want to do is watch the cricket which I managed to do last evening when Lancashire had a narrow victory over Derbyshire in the T20 Blast - so God is in her Heaven after all.)

But I was grateful to my young neighbour for his patience, his understanding and his concern for the mental wellbeing of this out of time next door pilgrim meandering along life`s chequered path.  Neighbourhood Watch is alive and well, thank goodness.....but I do wish that things were not quite so complicated.

As an octogenarian pensioner struggling to survive on a fixed income during these unprecedented economic times, the last thing I need is for things to be complicated.  Just recently I have had some close encounters with various bits of technology that have left me longing for things to be less complicated, simpler, easier to understand, even a touch more user-friendly.

I suppose the first example is my new car, which I bought just before THE LOCKDOWN back in March and which, thanks to Covid 19 and all its works, has only now clocked up its first 1,000  miles in five months.  There are quite a few things I don`t understand about it such as setting the satnav so I can find my way home.   Had a go when we were out this morning - managed to type in the home postcode but couldn`t find where to `save` it or `OK` it so I`m pretty sure it won`t work.  Why can`t things like that be more simple to use?

A few days ago I needed to have my mobile phone on as I was expecting a call from Mrs. Snopper when she emerged from `an appointment.`   So I sat on a nice bench in the shade of an old oak tree and started fiddling with the mobile, really for the first time.  I thought it was pretty basic but my fiddling discovered that it does far more than I would ever need it to do - it has a camera which I`ve never used;  an `organiser` which I don`t need; an alarm, which was quite alarming and a few other bells and whistles as well.  I did manage to change the picture on the screen and also change the clock so it`s now a 12-hour one but I really just need the phone to make and receive calls and keep life simple.

The other day our television suffered a terminal decline - it was overheating and worrying splodges were appearing on the screen, so off we go to the TV shop, where the diagnosis was confirmed as fatal and so we needed a new one (surprise, surprise.)  We were shown an impressive array and when we found one which was recommended to us the obviously clued up young man who was helping us explained all the things the new television could do - apparently it`s `smart,` you can tell it what to do, it has loads of options for sound and vision, it can link up to the internet; it can get YouTube, Disney, Netflix, Amazon, even BBC 2.  I know I won`t want or need most of that stuff - I just want to watch the Test Match.

Life`s too complicated these days -  as a simpleton myself, I`m really quite desperate to keep it simple.

(Elderly confused pensioners are an endangered species in the modern world but you can help by adopting a fogey of your own.  Just £3 a month will provide a needy pensioner with a vital supply of Complan, Fixodent and essential medical supplies.  In return you will receive a cuddly pensioner rag doll, a newsletter to keep you up to date with the good things your contribution is helping to provide and photos to show you how your adopted fogey is getting on.  Text Save-a-foge to 77399024 to give just £3 a month or call our helpline on Freefone Nigeria at any time.  Thank you.)

A HUGE TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH 

A few posts ago I wrote a postscript about the fact that I had not received any `comments` on my posts for a very long time.  I explained that this was at least partly due to Google changing the way in which comments could be made which, I have to confess, was a bit beyond me.  Also I had received some grumbles from aficionados that they could not comment and what was I doing about it.

I mentioned that I had discovered a link on the left hand side at the very bottom of each post under the heading `No comments` just above `Labels` - here it is:-

I invited my readers to chance their arm, click on that link which brought up a panel on which comments could be made and, following the instructions in that panel, write a comment and see if it worked.  Today my illustrious neighbour Mr. Slightly - the acclaimed Gillingham fan - said that he had had a go at it and had duly sent a comment.  I checked to see if his comment had arrived and it had, although it was `awaiting moderation.`  I accepted his comment for publication, of course and it now appears under the comments section of my recent post headed `Back Again.`  The `No comments` link now says `2 comments` and they can be read by clicking on that - it proves it works!

Here in the foothills of deepest Kent, struggling to come to terms with the 1970s, this represents a technological breakthrough of enormous significance not only for my neighbour (to whom I an obliged) and myself but also for anyone else who feels the urge to let me know what they think of my rants.   I look forward to hearing more in future but all in the best possible taste of course.

EVER DECREASING CIRCLES ?

So, Chancellor George Osborne has ruled out the Scots keeping the pound in the event that they vote to leave the United Kingdom.   I imagine they`ll now have to come up with an independent currency of their own - quite possibly The Jock?

But this episode again highlights the consequences of change and it leads me to wonder where all this might lead to.  For example, if the Scots do leave the UK, I wonder how long it will be before Cymru, Kernow and even Kent, where the Cantii have their stronghold, all vote to leave as well, resulting in Northern Ireland remaining in an increasingly fragile wedlock with what will then truly be a Little England.  All the hallmarks of history, with yet another dominating world empire crumbling into final obscurity.  We shouldn`t be surprised - it`s happened before, time and again.

I`m guessing of course but I imagine any reduced United Kingdom could well come to pass before any promised referendum about the UK`s continued membership of the European Union, given that successive governments have reneged on their manifesto promises of a referendum for half a century. So what if UKIP wins a sizeable and growing representation in forthcoming elections? The logical conclusion must surely be that the United Kingdom will eventually leave Europe or be booted out by the new European Empire.  

It all reminds me of other changes - those brought about not by politics or the inevitability of history but by the sheer pace and complexity of man made change.  I`m not talking about climate change here - that`s a whole different debate - but about the ever increasing speed of technological change and communication.   Life in the so-called developed world becomes yet more `advanced` to the point where it`s impossible (at least for duffers like me) to keep pace with it.   

And I wonder again where all this speed of change is leading. Surely there must come a tipping point where further `advancement` becomes impossible, leading to another logical conclusion that, at that point, things may not only stand still but, like Portsmouth Football Club, actually go backwards in a relentless decline, perhaps inevitably leading to a return to a kind of League Two existence.   

I really don`t want to get off just yet, but it might be a good idea to stop the world so we might come to our senses?

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

So, Sainsbury`s have seen fit to offer an apology and send a £10 voucher to a lady in Crayford, Kent, who was affronted when a checkout assistant refused to serve her all the time she was on her mobile phone.

It strikes me as being the height of rudeness to be involved with anyone face to face whilst at the same time carrying on with a mobile phone conversation.   I suggest it was the shopper who should have apologised and I hope Sainbury`s are not carrying out any form of disciplinary action against the checkout assistant.   They should live by the spirit of their logo and try something new today.   Like banning mobile phones from the checkouts at their stores.

HELLO !!

Had a phone call yesterday from the dental practice, reminding me that I have an appointment today to see angelic dentist Louise.   The young lady who rang was most apologetic that their SMS service was down, hence the phone call. 

I confess I had to ask what an SMS service might be, since I suspected it might be something to do with St. Mary`s Stadium, but it turned out it was a texting service. Possibly.  I think my problem with communications these days is that there is just too much of it and far too many ways to get in touch with people.   I don`t know just how many, but I`m vaguely aware of Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, now SMS, e-mail, snail mail, Skyping, mobile and good old fashioned telephone.   One thing that really annoys me is the constant reference to `apps,` which I take to mean applications but people seem too lazy to use the proper word - I might have thought an app could be my appointment today - why not indeed?

It`s all a bit daunting.   I don`t `tweet,` I have a Facebook page that someone else set up for me a few years ago, but I just don`t go there. I tried texting years ago on a hand-me-down mobile inherited from a granddaughter, but failed dismally and anyway it made my thumbs ache. So I`ve come to rely on e-mailing people, ringing them up or the much preferred option of actually meeting them and speaking face to face.   I`ve noticed how dangerous tweeting has become, as Kevin Pietersen has found out to his cost, thank goodness, which confirms that my Luddite view of steering well away from all this stuff might turn out to be pretty sensible after all.

So, instead of worrying about which form of communication I should be using to say hello you`ll forgive me if I just say goodbye, as the beguiling Louise and her magic drill awaits.

SLIGHTLY ANNOYED...

The above is the image which has appeared on my computer since Saturday morning.  Ever since then, I seem to have been in constant communication with gentlemen in Sheffield, Mumbai and other un-named venues in herculean efforts to get back on line.

But me being able to compose this post and you being able to read it, is evident proof that I have finally succeeded in overcoming the problem.   It seemed to all stem from an `outage` in the fibre optic cabling in this area and which, in turn - and to borrow a technical term - buggered up my router.   Mrs. Snopper was also unable to use her laptop, so there has been a feeling of being cut off from the outside world for the last couple of days.   It`s an old truism, of course, that you never realise how much you miss things until you don`t have them any more.

Anyway, all is well now, so Mrs. Snopper and I are back in business with just the odd regret that there might have been things we have missed out on over the weekend.   But none of those would come even remotely close to the distress caused to my neighbour Mr. Slightly, who was also affected by the `outage,` when he was unable to place his online pony with William Hill for a double accumulator predicting a 4-1 home win for Saints and a 0-0 away draw for his beloved Gills.   As these results actually came to pass, I can only guess at the anguish he and his family are suffering as they dream of what might have been with his winnings.

At least I have the consolation of now knowing what an outage is.

Thanks to a little help from my friends, I have now managed to install a link (down the right hand side a bit - SNOPPER`S FLICKR PICS) which shows a few of the most recent pictures I`ve put on my flickr page.

If you click on any of the thumbnails, you should automatically go to an enlarged image of the one you`ve clicked on. This will give you access to my photostream and the `sets` of photos I`ve taken.

It`s early days, of course - I`ve only had the camera for a couple of weeks, so I haven`t taken many snopperpics yet.

Oh, and you`ll see I`m listed as `Snoppo,` which is because someone else is already listed on flickr as `Snopper.` Surely there can`t be two of us or am I really in a parallel universe?

SNOPPER NOW ON FLICKR..

Thanks to the purchase of a new camera and yet another triumph of technological wizardry, I can now post photos I`ve taken on FlickR.

Check out my first offerings at http://www.flickr.com/photos/27615582@N03/5004136666/

These were taken last week during our stay in Cornwall.

(Hope it works)

ADDING TO THE CONFUSION..

The report published the other day about the amount of choice we have leading to confusion and depression has got me wondering about a couple of things. For example, one of the things highlighted on the http://www.confusednation.co.uk/ website dealing with this research, suggests that, `Interestingly, confusion actually decreases with age as people have more experience and confidence.` Now I`m sure that`s true in most cases, but as someone now in his `70s, I find that confusion decreases out of a combination of indolence and indifference as much as experience and confidence. In short, I am now experienced and confident enough to be indifferent about quite a lot of things.

Either that or I might be more than just a tad nervous of today`s technology and the bewildering complexity of it all. Maybe the real answer for my generation is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle, as I am about to discover when I attempt to upgrade my mobile phone from the present only-a-phone one, to one which has more gadgets....and thus more confusing. I really should learn that the only way to avoid confusion and depression is to keep things simples.

But it`s good research and a good website to check out.

IT`S OFFICIAL - POSSIBLY..

Technology and `society` are becoming so complex that we are being crippled by excessive choice, according to `experts` who have warned that , as a result, we are turning into a nation of `indeciders,` unable to make even the simplest decision and prone to depression.

The growing ranks of `indeciders` are defined by a professor from Bristol University as `a group of individuals suffering high levels of confusion whilst displaying an inability to be decisive, leading in some cases to depression.` Professor Harriet Bradley went on : "With a constant stream of new media, daily technological advancements and aggressive multimedia advertising, it`s no wonder over half of Britain thinks life is more confusing."

According to a survey, 42% lie awake at night worrying about what choice to make (I`m not among them) whilst 65% are particularly confused over the policies of major political parties (I am among them) and Bankers` bonuses caused most bewilderment with 69% admitting they couldn`t understand them (and that was just the Bankers.)

Well, I could have told Professor Bradley all that because, these days, I do find the choices on offer over even the simplest things to be baffling. Now I know I am among the ranks of the terminally bewildered but I went through agonies over deciding which computer to buy and am still going through them as I try to decide on a camera. It`s not that I`m indecisive - I just can`t make my mind up.

IT`S ALRIGHT FOR THEM...

A very nice young man turned up this morning and set up my new computer, router and printer, so I`m now able to resume posting on my blog. "Oh, dear," I hear you sigh, but don`t worry, I have a long way to go before I reach any kind of proficiency with this new gear.

It`s all very new to me - a super-dooper, hi-tech, state-of-the-art, touch screen computer; a wireless keyboard and wireless mouse, a wireless printer, even a webcam so I can have eyeball to eyeball chats with people (don`t get excited) and the new Windows 7 operating system. It`s really quite bewildering, especially for a techno-luddite like me. But have faith, dear reader. I am determined to `get there.` Especially as I also bought a new desk which is more in keeping with all this up-to-date stuff and especially as, contrary to the 45 minute claim on the flat pack, it took Mrs. Snopper and me 2 hours 30 minutes of blood, sweat and swearing to put it together following the Swahili instructions to the letter.

It`s good to be back in business though.

IT`S A STIFF...

Shhhhhh....don`t breathe a word of it but I`m having to post this from Mrs. Snopper`s laptop as she`s out walking Barney for his early morning constitutional. But I think I might just get away with it if I`m quick.

You see my own computer has finally expired. It`s a stiff, bereft of life it rests in peace. It has gone to meet its maker. It is an ex computer. It`s pushing up the daisies. It has gone to the great motherboard in the sky all thanks to a complete bastard of an irretrievable virus. But thank you so much, for it has been creaking and groaning for some time and finally it has given up the ghost and now given me the excuse to get a new one. So a blessing in disguise perhaps.

All of which means that it might be a little while before I can get back on line and continue my rants, for which many apologies. Another blessing in disguise perhaps?

SNOPPER GOES INDEPENDANT

From our Communications Correspondent

The mobile phone you see on the right is the Nokia 1650. It is, as it says on the box, just a mobile phone. No camera, no internet access, no tea or coffee making facilities - just a phone and just the thing for a communications luddite like Snopper, who has hitherto been reknowned for his aversion to anything remotely `technical.`

So imagine the industry`s surprise when, on a recent visit to the nearby Hempstead Shopping Centre, Snopper wandered into the Carphone Warehouse, threw himself on the mercy of a sprightly young lady and was persuaded to purchase the Nokia 1650 for the princely sum of £9.73. You see, for years, he had relied on old mobiles handed down from grandaughter Sarah, but the last one kind of ran out of puff, according to him. There was no response when it was switched on and, being blissfully unaware of any concept of recharging, Snopper decided he should take the plunge and go independant.

All very commendable. Except for a couple of things. Sprightly young lady had sorted it out so that Snopper could make calls and convinced him that all his questions would be answered by reference to the handbook, included in the price. A phone call home to Snopper Towers confirmed it. However, his few remaining friends should not expect him to be in touch just yet, for he has no idea what the number of his new phone might be and has no idea how to enter anyone else`s number on his new phone. The handbook appears silent on the point, he says. This particular £9.73 transaction could have legs.

GUESS WHO`S GOT A BIGGER ONE...

I have been very impressed with the Large Hadron Collider, which was switched on last Wednesday to start protons on their 16 mile journey beneath bits of France and Switzerland. The whole project is a truly impressive piece of engineering design and construction, along with the physics that goes with it. It seems the LHC might be able to reproduce the conditions that prevailed one billionth of a billionth of a second after the Big Bang, which leads to the question as to whether it will ever be possible - never mind sensible - to try and go that final, tantallising billionth of a second and reproduce the start of everything from scratch.

I`m pretty sure we won`t be able to go there, since however far the boundary might be pushed back, then - like the search for absolute zero - there is likely always to be something preventing that final step being reached. You see, when it comes to LHCs, I am forced to conclude that God`s will always be bigger than anything we can ever produce. Comforting thought?

SNOPPER IN TEXTING BREAKTHROUGH

By John Geek, Technology Correpondent

Despite the gentleman on the right of our picture stoically holding his own, other executives at the Nokia mobile phone company are pictured congratulating themselves on hearing the news that Snopper has finally succeeded in sending about three text messages.

Some years ago, Snopper inherited a clapped out Nokia from grandaughter Sarah, who continually moves on to more advanced models. I have reported in the past about the struggles Snopper has had in making and receiving phone calls on his mobile, so it is a real pleasure to report that, at long last, the art of txting is drawing ever closer to joining his technological repertoire.


(Snopper`s dodgy phone)

A few weeks ago, Snopper managed to send a brief text to his friend and confidante, the redoubtable Itchen Sitter. After many hours of painstaking effort and incurring considerable thumb ache, the message read:-

"Dr. Itchn Sttr. Hope u get this. Snppr. xx"

From those early, hesitant beginnings, he managed to send his third text yesterday to check on arrangements for a meeting on Saturday. This text was much more erudite and called for a reply from said Itchen Sitter, which was only secured by means of a late night phone call. However, one problem has emerged overnight. As well as sending the message to its intended recipient, it seems Snopper has also inadvertendly sent it to ace vet, Dave Cocker, at the Newnham Court Veterinary Surgery. It`s clear that Snopper has a lot to learn.

My rection to all this was simply to ROFLMFAO, if you get my drift.



 

It remains to be seen what, if any, response is received from the vet`s office.....but it`s highly unlikely that Dave Cocker will appear at 1.30pm at M. Hulot`s Patisserie on Southampton Town Quay on Saturday. But you never know - as time goes by, stranger things will surely happen in the madcap, unpredictability of Snopper`s newfound texting world.

THE DORMICE HAVE GOT IT RIGHT

Mrs. Snopper awakes from a blissful sleep to discover that the clocks have been put back by an hour....and wonders why she didn`t wake up an hour earlier.

Soon she will have the twice yearly ritual of going round the house making sure all the other timers are properly adjusted to the winter timetable. This is no easy feat - we have possibly 15 or so `devices` which require adjusting, from ordinary clocks to things like timers on microwaves, ovens, etc.

But as she is the technician in the house, I know that they will all be running properly to time by about this time tomorrow, leaving me only to look after the clock in the car. Now, I have struggled in the past to understand not only the instructions in the car`s manual but also the physical act of changing the clock in the car....so I have hitherto declined to make the adjustment and left the car clock alone.

This approach has had the distinct advantage of saving me an awful lot of trouble and confusion whilst at the same time leaving me with the full and certain knowledge that, for the next five months of the year, the clock in the car will be an hour fast. I know that - no-one else needs to know what the time is in my car - so what difference will it make if I don`t bother to change it?

Thankfully, the computer seems to have changed itself.....but then it always did know more than I did anyway. It just remains for me to look forward to that cheerful last Sunday in March, when the clocks get changed again (well, some of them) and we can `leap forward in Spring` once more. Dormice don`t have these problems - they`ve got it sussed.

WHY DON`T THEY WORK WHEN YOU NEED THEM?????

This is my mobile phone - at least it was until yesterday.

I was heading along the M25 motorway en route to a series of `engagements` in Berkshire and Hampshire, when my progress was halted by a huge traffic jam. Apparently, there had been a bad accident along the stretch of motorway between Wisley and Chertsey earlier yesterday morning. I didn`t know this, as I hadn`t checked the traffic reports before I left home and I was enraptured by the CD I was playing of Ray Conniff, his orchestra and chorus. Well, who wouldn`t be?

After over two hours waiting in the traffic queue, it became obvious even to me that I was not going to be able to keep an `appointment` I had at 1.00pm in Southampton. So, I switched on my mobile phone to make the call, only to get a message that `IMSI failed.` Whatever that meant. What to do? Of course, use my winsome charm on the young lady sitting in the stationary car in front. I tapped on her window, showed her the message on my phone, asked if she had one (a repeatedly rhetorical question these days) and asked if she could dial the number I showed her, so I could explain my predicament.

She was very obliging - and my appointment was duly postponed for another day. What`s more, she very kindly refused to accept money from me to pay for the call - it may have been her `Help the Aged` Day.....but I was most grateful.

The question now is what to do about the mobile phone (it still doesn`t work today.) It`s just typical - you have the phone in the car for months on end, you take it for nice long drives, you don`t bother it much by making daft calls from supermarkets to enquire what size bananas she might fancy today and what happens when you really need it.....it doesn`t work. Wonderful!

There seems to be a choice between getting a new one, the technology of which might just frighten the life out of me, or not bother. Since I only have cause to use a mobile phone about once every millennium, I`m not sure I`ll bother, preferring to rely on my winsome charm, my codgeresque innocence and an endless supply of obliging young ladies.

Don`t ring me, `cos I`m not sure I can ring you.