SEEING AND BELIEVING

Yesterday I completed the final leg of my MoT by visiting my optician for an overdue eye test. I should have gone a few months ago but it was one of those things I kept putting off for fear of needing to incur the expense of some new spectacles. I needn`t have worried, for the very thorough examination resulted in no problems at all, so I don`t need new ones after all.

I`ve mentioned before that I am fortunate enough to have an optician who bears a startling resemblence to Nicole Kidman. My optician is pictured above showing obvious signs of distress as she leaves her shop at the news that she won`t be seeing me again for a year or so. Hang on a minute - maybe I do need new ones after all.

SEPTEMBER SONG...

Not too sure I like September that much. After our week away earlier in the month, it now seems we are heading in to the long drag that is Autumn and Winter, neither of which exactly adds to the joi de vivre. But it`s not just the turn of the seasons. It seems that September brings a deluge of bills, including house insurance, car insurance, bills from the companies that supply the water and then take it away again, all of which adds up to an expensive month with little to show for it unless I leave taps on all day and indulge in concentrated loo flushing.

But September also brings my six-monthly MoT-type health check. I`ve made an appointment to see the practice nurse next Wednesday to have my blood pressure checked and a blood test that will show how my cholestorol is doing, along with various other bodily functions too delicate to reveal in a family blog post. From now until then my diet will have to be amended to cut out all the stuff I know is bad for me but which I enjoy anyway so that I might stand a chance, however slim, of passing the test.

Yesterday I had to see my dentist for some work to my choppers which also thankfully doubled as my six-monthly dental check and I have to make an appointment to see the optician for another regular eye test, which may well lead to the purchase of new glasses. Next week too I have an appointment with my stylist, Chris of Larkfield, for yet more attention to my dwindling folical needs. September just goes on and on. The only consolation in all of this is that I get to spend some time in the company of charming ladies. The practice nurse is Janice, my dentist is Louise. my optician bears an uncanny resemblance to Nicole Kidman whilst Chris of Larkfield really needs no introduction. September comes at a price.....but it could be worse I guess.

SNOPPER HAS HEAD EXAMINED.....

(From Our Health Correspondent)

In a stunning revelation to rival that about the split between William and Kate (and doubtless carrying as much relevance to the man on the Clapham omnibus) we learn that Snopper is to undergo a routine eye examination this afternoon.

Sources reveal that last June, Snopper received a letter from his personal optician asking him to attend for an eye test. However, the pressures on his time have meant that it is only now that he has managed to find time in a crowded diary to fulfill the appointment.

On the occasion of his last test, he was surprised but delighted to discover that his eyesight had actually improved since the previous test some three years before.

Snopper is hoping that this upward trend continues so that he can carry on enjoying his all too infrequent encounters with his optician, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Nicole Kidman. The photo you are seeing (top right) was taken whilst the optician was studying Snopper`s last test results, clearly impressed by his physical, emotional, intellectual and mental health. Rumours that she was tempted to give up opticianing, seduce Snopper, contact Max Clifford and sell her story to The Sun are hotly denied, but this afternoon`s encounter could rekindle speculation all over again.

It is doubtful that further information will be forthcoming as an injunction preventing reporting of the test results is widely anticipated.