Sure is.   It seems you can now choose your own gender, your own sexual orientation and I read yesterday that there`s a man (maybe he`s something else) in Holland who has won a court battle to reduce his age by 20 years.   Instead of being 60 he`s now officially 40.

So, in keeping with my determination to keep up with the modern world, I would like it to be known that I now wish to be recognised as a 12-year old female lesbian giraffe called Veronica living a carefree life gambolling on the Serengeti Plains fending off the attentions from male giraffes who are in for a big surprise as I munch away at high rise branches.

Well, it`s a strange world we live in so why not?   It`s the same with these so called `hate crimes,` of which there are a number of recent examples, the latest being someone complaining about a TV advert which shows a carrot being chopped up , thus falling in to the definition of `carrotist.`  

Now I`m not sure I actually hate anyone or anything - the BBC comes close, as do Manchester United and Portsmouth but I don`t think I`ve quite crossed the line just yet. I think the trouble is that most people are now frightened to say or do almost anything for fear of offending someone or something, especially as it seems the whole world is so easily offended these days.

Surely our much maligned and overworked police have more pressing matters to deal with than chasing after invented `hate crimes` - chasing the odd burglar or knife-wielding thug might be more useful, on which subject I agree with the notion that the penalties for even carrying any form of offensive weapon should be vastly increased as a more meaningful deterrent.

Sorry if that`s offended you but there are charities and agencies who can offer counselling and advice should you feel the need to get help in getting over my comments above.   I apologise unreservedly for any offence they may have caused. 

JOHN CLEESE HAS IT ABOUT RIGHT?

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."   Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."  The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.   Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."  The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let`s get the Bastards."   They don`t have any other levels.   This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."   The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."   The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France`s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country`s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."   Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."   They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians on the other hand are all on holiday as usual;  the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.   These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She`ll be alright, Mate."   Two more escalation levels remain: "Strewth we might need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled."   So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last escalation level."

......John Cleese - British actor, writer and tall person.

(I wonder if he might feel inclined to change his opinion following events in Parliament, Washington, Paris........?)  

TAKE IT AWAY PLEASE..

This photo shows a 94-year old member of the Salvation Army who, along with others, form a group which has just been selected to represent Switzerland in the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest to be held in Malmo, Sweden.   And good luck to them, but I wonder if I detect a growing trend by countries who are not that keen on winning it.   After all, the initial glory of victory in this most unlikely of competitions quickly fades when the winning country realises that it has got to host the next one, with all the grief, expense and technical challenges involved.

We in the UK woke up to it years ago - ever since 1997 when we won it with Katrina and the Waves our entries have been entirely forgettable and our places in the league table of results have mercifully declined at a steady rate.   Last year we came next to bottom thanks to Englebert Humperdink`s sterling determination and this year we will be represented by Bonnie Tyler, who has been holding out for a hero for getting on half a century.

Now I quite like Bonnie, aka Gaynor Hopkins - she of the big hair, big shoulder pads, big voice, big everything really - but I`m fairly sure her selection is pretty much to guarantee that we won`t win it again and thus be spared the glittering prize.  It`s not really a heartache though, or even anything approaching a total eclipse of the heart.  To be fair.

THE NAME OF THE ROSE..

Pretty, isn`t it?  Smells nice too.  This is Rosa Catherine, lovingly created in honour of Catherine Middleton, aka Duchess of Cambridge and Mrs. Wales.   It appeared a couple of months ago in advance of the royal wedding but has now been usurped by a new white rose, which made its entrance at the Chelsea Flower Show a couple of days ago.  

This new one is named William and Catherine, which got me wondering about how roses come to be named in the first place.   These two are clearly in honour of the royal couple and I`ve got some in my garden named, for example, Arthur Bell, Henri Matisse and Handel.   I`ve no idea who Arthur Bell might have been (or still is) but the other two are pretty obvious.

There`s probaby an Alex Ferguson rose somewhere, covered in dense thorns, rarely flowering and  less than fragrant, but I suspect it will be some time before the Chelsea Flower Show sees the emergence of Rosa Ricky Lambert Southampton`s Goal Machine.  Sweet.

UP THE INJUNCTION..

Bingo indeed!!  Until Birmingham Yardley MP John Hemming (pictured) stood up in the House of Commons the other day and named him,  I must have been the only person in the whole wide world who didn`t know that it was Ryan Giggs who had successfully and expensively secured a super injunction for himself.

Not that I really care that much for, you see, I am much more interested in Imogen Thomas.