A SAD DEPARTURE

Our golf correspondent reports..

I`m sure it has not gone unnoticed that I have not been reporting on Snopper`s golfing exploits for some time now.   There are two main reasons for this.  The first is, of course, the global pandemic which has had its effect on the sporting life of the nation and the second is that Snopper has simply been unable to play any competitive golf for some time now.   It all began a few years ago when he was walking up the stairs in chez Snopper when he felt a twinge in his left knee which never went away.  

What really made that problem worse was falling down a bit of a cliff on the north Cornwall stretch of the south west coast path.  He landed, knee first, on a particularly aggressive lump of  Cornish granite.  The paramedics arrived despite the remote location, sorted him out and sent him on his way.  Ever since then the problem has got progressively worse - X-rays, visits to the Doctor, knee supports - and it has reached the stage when he cannot sensibly venture on to the fairways and greens of the royal and ancient game without bringing the game into yet more disrepute.

So it might be the end of the line by the look of it - at his age the prospects of getting it fixed are twofold - slim and none and so we may finally be saying farewell to this icon of the game, one who over more than half a century has brought a new meaning to words like mediocre and dire.   But he can look back on a golfing career that has brought so much disaster and so little triumph.  His highlights have included going round the infamously gentle Poult Wood course in under 90 on at least two occasions and achieving no less than seven birdies - not all in the same round of course but spread over a number of years and a number of courses.

So it`s looking like a sad departure and for those of us who follow the game all we can do is look back on all those years of ineptitude and think of what might have been. Time will tell whether this really is the end of the line but I will be looking out for tell tale signals, such as his eclectic mix of clubs being put up for sale, along with his trolley, his Argos bag and what are left of the 1100 golf balls scavenged from the out-of-bounds areas of local courses by a former, much missed Golden Retriever.  I doubt there will be much of a take up for his offer of a tuition course of lessons however.

Henry Shorthurst

 

It`s been a busy few days, what with the usual trials of life`s rich pageant and the small matter of celebrating my 80th birthday yesterday, which was a memorable day for me and one which demonstrated yet again the good fortune I have to be blessed with family and good neighbours and friends.   Not sure I feel 80 and equally not sure how you are supposed to feel at my age but the truth is that I don`t `feel` 80 - I am grimly hanging on to my adolescence and my avowed determination not to grow up. 

Anyway, in between all that, I have been transfixed by the Tour de France and, since Thursday, by the Open Golf.   I watched quite a bit of it today and came to the view that watching the standard of play becoming almost metronomic  probably means that at the highest professional level there comes a point whereby a sport become a job - and maybe the fun goes out of it a bit.

Now I confess to having played golf at an appallingly mediocre level - I bought the gear, the balls, the clubs, I pay the green fees and after all those outgoings I think I`m entitled to hit the ball as many times as I can.  I have succeeded in that philosophy and it has not only stood me in good stead over the years but has also meant that I have enjoyed playing for the love of the game.

So I could identify with the travails of David Duval - a 47-tear old American professional golfer and former world No. 1 who has won 13 PGA Tour tournaments and the Open Championship itself in 2001.  Good for him but of course that`s not the bit I identify with.  Rather I quietly admired the fact that in the first round of the current Open, he scored 91, including taking 14 shots at one hole.   He would be forgiven for calling it a day and flying home to Florida but no, he went back out for a second round of 78, giving him a total of 169 for his two rounds - a mere 27 over par.  

But what was perhaps more remarkable were his post match comments, when in answer to how he felt at his abject score, he declared, "Well, that`s the way it goes - worse things happen to people every day."  He obviously plays these days for the love of the game and I hope the game loves him for it.

From our golf correspondent.......

It has been many months since I last reported on Snopper`s golfing antics due to the fact that he has apparently been occupied with other more pressing matters.   So it was with a mixture of surprise and incredulity that he was spotted the other day taking on the notoriously easy 9-hole course at nearby Poult Wood.

He seemed to have prepared himself well for this tentative re-entry into the royal and ancient game (reports confirmed that he had loaded up his trolley with enough golf balls to ensure he shouldn`t run out) although it must be said that his deportment and course management were perhaps more a little cordon noir than befitting that of a style guru and fashion icon.

No matter, it`s the game that matters and, having lost just two of his precious golf balls on the first three holes, he began to re-awake his slumbering mojo and played reasonably over the rest of his round which included his usual repertoire of deft touches, wild swings and a healthy slice of good fortune, all of which might encourage him to continue into the coming winter months.

So it was good to see the return of this shambling figure, now well into his 80th year,  back in the swing of things and, as an impartial critic observed from the gallery, "That`s one small  step for Snopper, one giant leap for mediocrity."

I guess it`s just the way life is.  You take one step forward and two steps back.  And today`s news has  confirmed that my own place in the great scheme of things has taken an unexpected step back  - which came as a bit of a surprise.

Now I`m sure that, like me, you were overwhelmed with joy at the news that Princess Meghan, the former Catholic, mixed race, foreign, divorcee, now laughably known as the Duchess of Sussex is going to have a baby in the Spring of next year.   It is, of course, a matter of limitless excitement and anticipation for me, to the extent that I can hardly wait until next Spring to  celebrate the arrival of yet another edition to the burgeoning royal family.

Don`t get me wrong - I hope all goes well for Prince Harry, the aforementioned Princess Meghan and their new arrival - I`m sure they will have a happy and glorious life as a family blessed with the knowledge that they will spend their lives in privileged splendour.

But I wonder if they will ever spare a thought for the fact that their newborn royal family member will be ninth in line for the throne with the result that I will thus be relegated to 59,573,976th in the line of succession.

It`s the same with my golf - for one reason or another I have been absent from the royal and ancient game for a few months and in the worldwide rankings I have now slipped out of the top 259,000,000 on the Richter Scale.  

So all in all, my life seems to be taking backward steps and as Paul Simon predicted it seems the nearer my destination the more I`m slip sliding away.   I need an upturn so I`ll get back to the driving range and stay well away from Kensington Palace.

RUN AWAY...

Our Golf Correspondent reports...

I wondered why Snopper had been absent from the golf courses of mid-Kent recently, so I caught up with him the other day to find out what was going on.  It seems that, following his intensive course of lessons, he has decided to `hone his game` at the driving range before venturing back on to the fairways.

I watched as he went through his routine at the range and I can understand his desire to make sure his game is at least presentable before re-entering the competitive environment.   I watched his remodelled stance, his remodelled grip, his remodelled swing and his newfound attitude which is designed to come to terms with the challenges of the royal and ancient game.   Snopper quoted the advice given by Jack Nicklaus all those years ago - "The more I practice, the luckier I get."

So how was our anti-hero getting along, I wondered.  Well, I have to report that his session on the range produced some really quite respectable results - a few genuinely decent shots, some `OK` ones, perhaps a few more in the `adequate` category and some that were reminiscent of the old Snopper we have come to know so well over all these years.

But the finale to this particular visit must surely have been the very last of the 50 balls he hit from the driving range bay.  You see, he always likes to finish well and so he addressed the last ball as it peered up at him from the green baize practice mat:  his determination to leave on a high shone through clearly as he took up his new stance, checked his new grip and swung through the ball as he has been encouraged to do.

Sadly, the result was not the climax he had in mind as the ball squirted off the toe end of the club, smashed against the side panel of the driving bay, ricocheted with an almighty bang and was never seen again.   At which point, Snopper collected his clubs and ran away.   Seemed the sensible thing to do at the time and, so far at least, there are no reports of claims for damages being reported.   

For some, it seems, the more they practice the more things remain the same.......

ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH ?

From our Golf Correspondent....

And so eight weeks of intensive tuition has finally come to an end as today Snopper completed his golf lessons under the watchful eye of a teaching professional at a nearby club. (It`s worth noting that both the teaching professional and the club have opted for anonymity, which I will of course honour in this report.)

Now today marked Snopper`s 78th birthday and as a friend remarked over lunch last week, it`s difficult to get your head around the notion of having might have been worth it.   When he embarked on the course of lessons all those weeks ago, the problems encountered by his tutor were simply that Snopper`s grip was wrong, so too his stance and his swing and as time went on it also became apparent that his attitude to the royal and ancient game lacked a certain je ne sais quoi.  Let`s just say that Snopper`s golf was rubbish.

But at the end of today`s proceedings, the professional conceded that Snopper`s driver and iron play had perhaps now reached a stage of adequacy and although a little more practice was needed there was hope that he might be able to live with his limitations concerning chipping and getting out of bunkers.   To be fair, he has had loads of experience trying to get out of bunkers but by and large he took some confidence and satisfaction from the end of term report.

So instead of having more lessons, Snopper is now encouraged to get back out on the course and play.   All well and good, of course, and we will have to see how that goes but even so I think fellow golfers at his home course of Poult Wood should perhaps be forewarned of Snopper`s impending return.   His one disappointment, of course, is that despite the remarkable improvement in his playing prowess and potential, he discovered that it was too late for him to join in at Royal Birkdale tomorrow.  Small mercies indeed. 

FROM OUR GOLF CORRESPONDENT..

It`s been a while since I caught up with Snopper`s unending battle with the royal and ancient game and when I saw him recently, he showed me this sticker that he had displayed on his fridge.  It struck me that it might be something significant so I enquired as to its relevance in his madcap golfing world.

And so the truth came out.  You see, despite having `played` golf (I use the word advisedly) for about 40 years, it seems that Snopper had only ever had one proper golf lesson in all that time.   No wonder then, that of late he had experienced mounting frustration as his golf shots bore little resemblance to their intended targets.   In short, he had become annoyed with himself that he was not `performing` to the standard, albeit rather basic, that he had set for himself.

So he decided that the one lesson from all those decades ago perhaps needed upgrading and he has embarked on a series of lessons with a teaching professional at a local club. To say that it has been a series of revelations for him is something of an understatement. His very first revelation was to discover that he has been holding the club wrong; the second was that he has been standing wrong and the third and latest is that he has been swinging  the club wrong too.   Apart from that he`s been fine.

It remains to be seen what the rest of the lessons reveal but, at nearly 78, he is at least living proof of the message on the sticker on his fridge, although his contention that he might find himself rising in the rankings might just be a touch too ambitious.

THE END OF THE LINE..

More from our golf correspondent...

The photo above perhaps conjures up visions of heroic failure coupled with more than a little desperation.   And the same might be said of Snopper`s golf trolley, which carried the name `Kingsway` and which was, of course, the brand name for Woolworths` own brand products.  And it was all of 35 years ago that that purchase was made, since when that same trolley has carried Snopper`s eclectic array of golfing equipment around an equally mixed series of golfing venues.

In the last year or so, his redoubtable trolley has been showing its age, signs of wear and tear, perhaps reaching a tipping point last Autumn when the tyres began to fall off.  In a fit of inspiration, Snopper simply removed the tyres and trundled on regardless.  Trouble was that without the tyres, the trolley made a frightful noise especially when dragged along gravel paths, all of which led to complaints and exhortations fro club members and the sparse galleries for him to buy a new one.

And yesterday, following much detailed analysis and research, the deed was done and Snopper is now the proud owner of an ultra efficient and quietly wheeled trolley.  Maybe it was this event which led yesterday to arguably one of the least propitious rounds of his long and undistinguished career.  Although there was at least some redemption when he parred the difficult par three fifth, the rest of his round epitomised that same heroic failure and desperation that encapsulated the demise of Woolworths all those years ago.

But maybe we should forgive him these trespasses, as he has had an emotionally difficult time of late.  It was one thing to say farewell to his Greg Norman golf ball but quite another to see his 35-year old Kingsway trolley finally come to the end of the line.  It felt like losing Woolworths all over again.

 FAREWELL GREG NORMAN..

Our Golf Correspondent reports

It has been an interesting time to be following Snopper`s golfing exploits in the last two or three weeks.  Some have been admirable, others not so;  but some of them have happened off the course, away from the ever critical galleries.

Take, for example, the recent changes in Snopper`s golfing equipment.  Now some months ago hus next door neighbour, who can perhaps be described as a `proper golfer,` bequeathed some of his cast off irons to Snopper, having upgraded his own set of clubs to a more upmarket one.   Snopper has got the hang of these and his iron play has consequently reached a level that might now be characterised as `adequate.`

And just last week, his neighbour the other side - himself a 15 handicap trophy winner - donated a couple of `rescue` clubs, a 4-wood and a 5-wood, which Snopper gleefully accepted as he is in almost constant need of `rescuing.`  His first sortie with this neighbourly array of clubs showed signs of improvement although Snopper accepts that he made need to get used to playing with decent clubs for a change.

As for the Greg Norman in my title above, I have to report that Snopper managed somehow to use the same Greg Norman golf ball for almost three complete 9-hole rounds, only for the ball to disappear into dense undergrowth on the final hole of his third round. This in itself is something of a victory but one tinged with a little sadness as Snopper had grown quite fond of his Greg Norman ball and was sorry to see the relationship coming to an untimely end.

EMERGENCE....

Our Golf Correspondent reports.....

It has been some time since we heard anything at all from Snopper and when I caught up with him the other day it quickly became apparent that he was finally ready to emerge from his winter hibernation and resume what passes for `normal service.`  What galvanised him into action was the news that the golfing authorities are planning to introduce a whole series of rule changes.

Now, Snopper has always had a problem with the rules of the royal and ancient game, not the least because he has failed, either through ignorance or deviousness, to apply most of them to his own version of how the game should be played.   He is, therefore, worried that he might not be able to `have another go` if his first tee shot lands - as it invariably does - in nearby woods or ponds.   Moreover, he is concerned that his own rule concerning lost balls might now be in trouble.  You see, he has always contended that losing a ball is punishment enough without adding to your score, which he chooses not to do.   The list goes on - putts being held to be `near enough` and so on.

But there is hope on the issue of the number of golf balls allowed in a bag.  Snopper has probably always exceeded the rule in this regard, on the basis that he invariably loses more balls than the number allowed.  However, his last two rounds of 9-holes on the infamously easy Poult Wood course have seen him, for the first time ever in a long and undistinguished career, use the same ball and lose none at all.   The ball is called `Greg Norman` but that is where the similarity ends.

UPS, DOWNS AND HAND-ME-DOWNS.....

From our Golf Correspondent

A mixed return to the fairways, bunkers, woods, rough and greens of Poult Wood yesterday from ageing golfer Snopper who once again produced a round of inevitable ups and downs.  To be fair, on this occasion, there were possibly more ups than downs, partly due to a return to what Snopper beguilingly considers `form` and partly due to his increasing aptitude for a set if irons recently acquired from his benevolent neighbour.

Now his next door neighbour is one of those annoying people who, it seems without trying, become proficient at anything he attempts.  Some while ago, he treated himself to a new set of golf clubs and, following a period of `negotiation,` he kindly gave his `old` set to Snopper who, of course, was most grateful as he constantly labels himself as an elderly person struggling to survive on a fixed income in difficult economic times.

And yesterday these irons proved their worth, as Snopper played really quite well, lost a mere four golf balls and on one occasion enquired of a course warden whether he had managed to catch his drive on the par 3 second, on camera.  Sadly, no documentary evidence exists to verify that instant of adequacy, but the signs are good that our hero might be returning to the kind of golf he played before the onset of his current septuagenarian status.   Either that, or it`s another flash in the proverbial pan.  My money`s on the latter.

NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH .....

 Our Golf Correspondent reports.....

It has been a long time - perhaps too long - since I had the task (I nearly said pleasure) of reporting once more on Snopper`s golfing exploits.   This has partly been due to course conditions over recent weeks - mud, rain, trolley bans - but also because, frankly and as with much else a la Snopper, there really has been very little to report.

However, all that has changed in the last week and it all began with a casual conversation over the fence with his neighbour, Mr. Slightly.  Now, of course, Snopper`s own golf clubs go back many years, to the days of mashie niblicks and the like and during that time the grips have become very smooth, providing him with yet another excuse for his excessive scoring.  But some years ago he found that he had lost a seven iron and, in a spirit of true neighbourliness, Mr. Slightly kindly lent Snopper one of his own `on approval.`

Snopper never returned it to its rightful owner, becoming rather taken with it, chipping away quite happily and confidently.   In the meantime his neighbour bought himself a new set of clubs and so Snopper - in the aforementioned cross-fence dialogue - enquired gently as to the availability of the rest of Mr. Slightly`s redundant clubs.

And so the admirable neighbourliness saw Snopper taking the `new` clubs with him on a recent visit to Poult Wood Golf Centre resulting in not only a much improved `performance` but also - and for the first time in living memory - resulting in not one single golf ball being lost.   Shareholders in Topflite please note.   It remains to be seen whether this ranks as a turning point in Snopper`s endless battle with the Royal and Ancient game and, perhaps more pertinently, whether he can find a buyer for his own, now redundant clubs.   `Suit smooth grip enthusiast` might form the strap-line of his advertising campaign.

As for his neighbour, he might cop for a small commission which might cheer him up following Gillingham`s defeat to promotion rivals Walsall last night.   Every little helps, to be fair.

YET ANOTHER HAZARD..

FROM OUR GOLF CORRESPONDENT

Today saw Snopper`s return to the golf circuit with a round of heroic inadequacy at Poult Wood.   Admittedly the conditions were not the best with a recurring drizzle making the course very wet underfoot.   Golfers of even modest ability might well have avoided too many problems, since the chances of their balls arriving on the fairways are pretty good.   However, in Snopper`s case, fairways seemed today to take the form of restricted areas, ones into which he was barred from entering.   Consequently, by about the third hole, his feet had become wringing wet due to a lethal combination of wading through the seemingly endless rough and wearing 30-year old golf shoes which had lost any pretence of waterproofing years ago.

To be fair, his first tee shot was encouraging, landing on the green but, as ever, the three putts meant that the hole won the first round and from then on things got worse - he even managed to record a five over par eight at the third, by which time a certain numbness had begun to creep into his bunionised plates of meat.   There is absolutely no point in recording the paucity of the score for his round but if he is to return to the game in the near future, he really must invest in a new pair of golf shoes.

This might not be easy for an elderly person struggling to survive on a fixed income in times of austerity but maybe if he simply views the task as yet another in a long line of hazards to contend with, then he might just pull through this latest setback in his undistinguished golfing career.   Or maybe there is a registered charity somewhere out there whose purpose in life is to provide hopeless, ageing golfers with waterproof shoes - a bit like the winter fuel allowance only more useful.  People could go on charity walks, run marathons, rattle tins outside superstores, that kind of thing.  After all, every little helps.

NOT JUST ME THEN...

Had a late night staying up to watch the end of the PGA Golf Championship from somewhere called Whistling Straits in Wisconsin.   It was eventually won by Aussie Jason Day who became the first player in the history of the game to win a major tournament with a score of 20 under par.  Good for him.  And it`s impossible to deny the talent of players like him, their mental toughness, composure under pressure and towering skill overcoming a course that, if golf wasn`t hard enough to begin with, was rather silly for its plethora of bunkers, tight lines and awkward targets.

And whilst all the attention was given to Day, Spieth, Rose and the other contenders for the prize, I found myself perhaps more interested in those players who really did struggle. I know all about struggling round golf courses - I`ve been doing it for years and it doesn`t seem to get any better.   So I`ve trawled the details of the scores returned by all the players who took part in the PGA Championship and found the kind of comfort I can never find by watching the leader board.  

I discovered that amongst those who `failed to make the cut` were two gentlemen who each ended their two rounds on 169 - no less than 25 shots over par.  Alan Morin returned scores of 87 and 82 whilst Ryan B Kennedy notched up a 79 followed by a spectacular 90 which included a 9 on one of the par threes.  I do that quite often.

Now I no nothing of their circumstances but I do think they deserve the thanks and admiration of hackers like me who, to be fair, would jump at the chance of returning scores like that, especially on a course as silly as the one in Wisconsin.   Just once or twice over so many years I have got below 90 which was something of a triumph and so it was encouraging to discover that it`s not just me then.

The quotation above from the sainted Seve just about says it all really.

SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT..

From our Golf Correspondent..

Snopper`s tentative re-entry into the world of golf took another turn yesterday when, once more, he entertained a phantom gallery by hacking his way around the short course at Poult Wood.  But perhaps I should not be too critical on this occasion, for in truth there were definite signs of improvement in his generally losing battle with the Royal and Ancient game.

His round got off to a predictable start as his first tee shot cannoned into a nearby woodland which, quoting an obscure passage from the Rule Book, encouraged him to `have another go.`  By the third hole, however, his touch showed signs of its old adequacy, when somehow he managed to par the hole without his usual recourse to creative accountancy, subterfuge or sleight of hand.

The rest of his round was `respectable enough` and although a few more balls disappeared into the Kent countryside, he managed to replace them with balls found whilst taking a `comfort break` in some convenient bushes.   In an after match interview, he lapsed into whimsy by humming an extract from Mark Knopfler`s `Walk of Life,` viz:-

"He got the action, he got the motion,
Yeah the boy can play.
Dedication, devotion
Turning all the night time into the day."

It seemed a vain attempt to convince a highly sceptical audience that those lines might accurately describe Snopper`s upward trend; nonetheless you have to admire his septuagenarian determination to continue with his very own walk of life. However, despite the unfortunate injury to Rory McIlroy, Snopper has announced that he will not seek to take his place in next week`s Open.  Sometimes, you see, it is possible for reality to creep in to his fantasy world. 

RETURN OF THE ANTI HERO...

Our Golf Correspondent reports..

It is some years now since Snopper graced the fairways, bunkers, woods and assorted rough of Poult Wood Golf Complex at nearby Tonbridge.   His absence has been due to factors such as dodgy knees, erratic hips, burgeoning bunions and a marked disenchantment with the Royal and Ancient game which seemed over the years to show itself in what can only be described as a battle of wills between his limited abilities and the Rules of the game.

So it was with some surprise that we found him yesterday on Poult Wood`s nine-hole course, cutting an uninspiring figure as he dragged his trolley up and down the hilly course.   Now you would have imagined that his `comeback` - if such a term can be used in this context - might have encouraged him to invest in some new equipment.  We discovered that this was, in fact, the second visit he has made recently and he explained that he had experienced problems in his earlier round by leaving his trolley at home and staggering around with his bag over his shoulder which became rather tiresome given his age and physical limitations.

"Trouble is," he explained, "I`ve had this trolley for years but as it`s been in the shed for so long, the wheels start coming off when I drag it around.   So I`ve restricted my equipment to just a few clubs and only 12 balls so as to make it lighter for the trolley to cope with."   Decisions he came to regret, however, as a number of his supply of balls were ceremoniously consigned to the aforementioned bunkers, woods and assorted rough never to be seen again; but he put this down to his limited range of clubs - a 4-wood, a 7-iron (which actually belongs to his neighbour, Mr. Slightly,) a pitching wedge and putter - perhaps not the best assortment to tackle this daunting challenge.

There was one bright spot, however, when he allegedly parred the par-3 seventh but neither this nor the rest of his round can be verified as he forgot to pick up a scorecard from the clubhouse.   He seemed quite satisfied with his afternoon efforts, however, and comforted himself with Glenn Gould`s well-worn homily which says all you need to know about Snopper and the Royal and Ancient game:-

WHERE ARE THEY NOW ?..

From our Golf Correspondent

As the Golf Correspondent for these pages over many years, I`m often asked after the whereabouts of past heroes of the Royal and Ancient game.  One of those is Snopper himself, who has been absent from the fairways (and bunkers) of the world for perhaps too long.

In his case, the answer is depressingly simple.  For some time now, he has been suffering from the kind of injury or affliction which affects highly tuned sporting idles (sorry, that should be idols.)  Snopper has seen the onset of conditions such as acute bunions, a wonky knee and a hip that decides for itself whether to restrict his mobility.  

It`s all very unfortunate, especially since the US Masters over the last weekend showed an increased interest as to Snopper`s whereabouts and whether he was likely ever to resume his lifelong losing battle with the game.   Well, I can report that he has no immediate plans to scrape the vestiges of time from his shed-bound eclectic set of clubs, although just in case he has retained the collection of balls - currently standing at about 1100 - which were retrieved from nearby golf courses by a much missed and highly efficient Golden Retriever.

As Snopper himself once opined - there`s no point in taking golf seriously unless you`re Tiger Woods, as there`s always going to be someone better than you.   That someone now seems to be Jordan Spieth, one to whose talents it is now far too late for Snopper to aspire.  I doubt Mr. Spieth would return the same sentiment.

Well, we now seem to heading for yet more conflict in the Middle East with the good ol` US of A having started their concerted air attacks in Syria against IS strongholds, backed by a coalition of Middle East countries.   The British Coalition Government meanwhile is considering its position and will doubtless consult its focus groups and stakeholder partners whilst setting up a set of Conventions and Inquiries to determine whether any action might be considered, probably not taking effect until after the General Election in May next year provided that all-party agreement can be reached.  

In that context it was singularly unhelpful for former Prime Minister Tony Blair to openly state that, in his opinion and given the wisdom of his experience,  all military means especially including ground forces should be used against the IS forces if the West is to retain any degree of credibility and control in that part of the world.  Well thanks, Tone, but we`ve tried that before and the last thing we need is a discredited egotist, posing of all things as the Middle East Peace Envoy, coming out with stuff like that.  A call to arms to be ignored, I feel.

And on Friday of this week another battle will commence in the rarefied surroundings of the Gleneagles Golf Thingy up in Scotland when once again the good ol` US of A will battle it out with Europe for possession of the Ryder Cup.   Now today I see that yet another belligerent retired Caledonian is being asked to give a rousing motivational speech to the Europe Team before they tee off.  Yes, folks, none other than that model of restrained persuasiveness (Sir) Alex Ferguson, late of Old Trafford and the Football Association`s Disciplinary Committee.

In all seriousness, Ferguson will give Team Europe a rousing talk this evening either in his inimitable incoherent mumble or his trademark hair-drying rant and it would hardly surprise me if any errant European golfer stepping out of line ends up with a mashie niblick around his ears.   A call to arms to be feared, I suspect.

Now the above two instances are at the extreme ends of confrontation - one potentially lethal, the other almost certainly irrelevant.  It just seems a pity that both are coloured by the unfathomable calls to arms from two gentlemen who surely by now must have learnt the wisdom of keeping counsel rather than causing disquiet whenever they open their mouths.

A GREATER LOSS..

I had a late night last night watching the enthralling end of the Ryder Cup.   And it`s strange how certain images stick in your mind.   For example, the look of almost incredulity on Lee Westwood`s face when he was asked to hole a two foot putt by an increasingly desperate  Matt Kuchar.    And in contrast, the grace of Tiger Woods `giving` Francesco Molinari`s putt on the last.   Now I know the Ryder Cup had already been retained by Europe at that point but nonetheless it was a touch of class on Woods` part that  Mr. Kuchar would be well advised to remember.

And while the enduring images might be the euphoria of victory coupled with the despair of defeat, it was touching to witness the memory of Seve Ballesteros, so eloquently and properly recalled by his friend and compatriot Jose Maria Olazabal, the European captain.

In yet more contrast, however, and amidst all the sound and fury of the American `gallery,` I wonder how many of them were even vaguely aware that, on this day of all days, America also suffered its 2,000th loss in the killing fields of Afghanistan, which is surely an even greater loss than the failure to regain a golf trophy?

MOVING UP..

From Our Golf Correspondent

As a result of yesterday`s dramatic turn of events, Snopper today finds himself one place higher in the world all time golf rankings.   The passing of North Korea`s Infinitely Wonderful Leader, Kim Jong-Il, has in fact seen everyone move up a notch, leaving Luke Donald as the undisputed number one in world golf.  


The Astonishing Being who ruled North Korea for quite a long time was, of course and without question, the greatest golfer the world has ever seen, having carded a 30-under par score of 38 on the 18 hole Pyongyang course, including 11 holes in one, the very first and last time he ever played the game.   There`s no question about the authenticity of this remarkable feat as it was witnessed by the 11 security guards who accompanied him on that memorable day and has been officially documented ever since.

The Fantastically Brilliant North Korean Leader was also, of course, naturally gifted at classical music, having composed six operas in two years, mainly to celebrate the completion of hydro-electric dam projects.   But I expect that the memories of Mozart, Rossini, Wagner and all the other great operatic composers may still trail in the wake of Kim Jong-Il`s unforgettable achievements, for while golf can be seen as a  transient pastime,   music can be immortal,  certainly  when written by such genius as he who graced North Korea for so long.

And so the world of music, like that of golf, finds itself in deep mourning at the loss of such a towering figure and it seems deeply unsatisfactory that lesser mortals should now find themselves advanced in their respective orders of merit simply because of this awful loss.   But it was the only way that Snopper was ever going to be able to climb the golfing ladder from being stuck on the bottom rung to now achieving total obscurity.  


I`ll end with just one fact to illustrate the point of this ramble.   It has taken Snopper well over 30 years to record just two birdies in all that time.   His Amazingness the Great Leader gets 11 holes in one on the only game he ever played.   But I wonder who enjoyed it most.