THIS WEEK`S PRIZE...

Over the years there have been many memorable newspaper headlines.  Here are just a few:-

PEDESTRIAN ALMOST HIT BY CYCLIST - Isle of Wight County Press (Black and White and read all over)

ONE ARMED MAN APPLAUDS KINDNESS OF STRANGERS - Houston Chronicle

TEENAGE PREGNANCY DROPS OFF SIGNIFICANTLY AFTER 25 - Tulsa Star

DEAD BODY FOUND IN CEMETERY - Northern Echo

DIANA ALIVE HOURS BEFORE SHE DIED -  The Sun

CASH IS THE KEY TO ENDING FINANCIAL WOES - Madison County Press

TOTAL LUNAR ECLIPSE TO BE BROADCAST LIVE ON NORTHWOOD PUBLIC RADIO - Minnesota News


........and who could forget FREDDIE START ATE MY HAMSTER or SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS.   And, of course, we`re still waiting for MARIE CELESTE DOCKS AT LIVERPOOL.

But this week`s prize goes to the Kent Messenger, our local weekly newspaper here in deepest Kent, which proclaims TWO ARRESTS AFTER FIGHT AT BOXING CLUB.  In the newspaper report, the Divisional Police Commander is quoted as saying, "We take incidents of this nature very seriously and will seek to prosecute anyone who causes trouble....."

Truly the power of the press knows no limits.

FIRST THINGS FIRST...

I hesitate to enter into the brouhaha between David, Reg, Domenico and Stefano.  How they live their lives is neither my business nor my concern.  But they have made their little tiff public and in the process have provoked a deluge of opinions, prejudices and commentaries from perhaps too many bystanders, many of whom seek nothing more than a little attention for themselves.

I have no doubt that there are a large number of people who find it all rather difficult to come to terms with, especially among those who hail from a different time, when things were oh so very different.   I`m not suggesting that those times were either any better or any worse - they were just very different and, as a result, like old dogs struggling with new tricks, there is a whole generation who are puzzled by many aspects of today`s world and wonder quite what to make of it all.

But surely the most important people in all of this are the children, born through a wonderful medical process into `families` who will surely cherish them, care for them and love them, which is all that children crave really.  I`m sure that what they won`t crave is to be caught up in the  public and social media hysteria promulgated by people whose unsolicited opinions are of doubtful relevance and who seem quite incapable of realising that it should be all about the children rather than about themselves.

FAIR COMMENT ?

Many many years ago whilst in the grip of youthful innocence, I was interviewed for a job in local government.  One of the questions I was asked was, "Which newspaper do you read?"   I think I confessed to reading the Guardian as, at the time, it appeared rather chic to do so.   In reality I didn`t really `read` any newspaper very much and then only to catch up on the football news.   My answer, it seemed, was the wrong one.   I didn`t get the job which on reflection should not have surprised me unduly, as the local authority involved was staunchly Labour.

Some years later, my lesson having been learned, I was interviewed for another job with another local authority, this time one which did not appear to have any particular political leanings.   Mind you, in those days it was more common for local councils, especially in rural areas, to at least give the appearance of political neutrality, independence even.   Strange how perceptions change once innocence is lost in the storm of experience.   Anyway, I was asked the same question again and, in a flurry of bet hedging, this time I proclaimed that I read the Telegraph, the Guardian (of course, as it was still rather hip,) the Mail, the Sun and the Daily Mirror.   At least it gave the illusion of being up to date with things and left my interviewing panel either satisfied or perplexed.   You can imagine my astonishment when I was offered the job.  

The whole experience ignited a weird kind of interest in newspapers and even these days I try and watch the TV Paper Review slots that come on late in the evening when `guests` either of the BBC or Sky are invited to discuss the main issues covered by the papers.   And what surprises me perhaps more than the content of the papers is the bizarre choices made for the reviewers.   On any given evening, we are treated to the biased musings of the likes of Jacqui Smith, Bonnie Greer and the inescapable Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, along with assorted failed politicians, opinion formers and self-styled social commentators.

They all have common denominators - an agenda, a tub to thump, an axe to grind. an inability to offer objective, constructive criticism - as exemplified by the aforementioned Ms. Greer, who was quick last evening to condemn the Daily Mail as `the worst paper in the country,` presumably as it claims to speak for middle England which is, of course, a very long distance and a lifetime away from the dark recesses of Chicago, Illinois.

What`s needed to bring any kind of legitimacy to these time-filling late night slots is for the papers to be reviewed by genuinely objective observers, such as those who might proclaim to read the Telegraph, the Guardian (as it`s still `cool`) the Mail, the Sun and the Daily Mirror;  in short, it`s time to review the reviewers.

PHEW !!

Our Legal Affairs Correspondent writes..

After weeks of anxious waiting, Snopper was relieved to learn the outcome today of the Inquiry into any possible damaging effects his blog might have had on his world-wide audience.   The Inquiry was conducted by an eminent Barrister bearing a remarkable resemblance to Elvis Costello and heard from three or four witnesses who claimed to have been the subject of less than complimentary remarks made by Snopper over the five years he has been boring us all to death with his mindless ramblings.  But as these witnesses were, in the main, suffering from delusions of adequacy, their evidence was not able to be taken seriously.

Among those whose balance of mind is reportedly undisturbed and so declined to contribute to the Inquiry were `Sir` Alex Ferguson, Tony Pulis, Harry Redknapp, Arsene Wenger, Big Sam Allardyce, Rupert Lowe, Anne Widdecombe,  the entire Chelsea Football Club, quite a number of sitting MPs, the whole of the EU along with others who had felt the sharp edge of Snopper`s biting criticism over the years.

In the end, the Inquiry fell short of recommending the setting up of an independent body - OFFSNOP if you will - to deal with any complaints that might in future be received, but given the level of disinterest in Snopper`s rants, it was felt such a move would simply add to bureaucracy being given a bad name.

Snopper refused to be interviewed but in a statement said: "I feel vindicated, so I`ll just keep calm and carry on boring people to death with yet more mindless ramblings and at the end of the day draw a line in the sand and come to terms with the fact that it`s a game of two halves.  To be fair."

After which I felt it futile to comment further, so I`ll leave it for Snopper to post this  honest unbiased report into one of the least significant journalistic episodes of recent times.   Nurse!!!........

GRABBING THE HEADLINES..

There`s a lot going on about the press right now especially with the Leveson Inquiry into press intrusion, phone hacking and other alleged dark journalistic arts and where Elvis Costello continues to interrogate a seemingly endless succession of assorted celebrities, personalities, politicians, alleged victims, scamps and rascals.   That one will obviously run and run.

But there`s also much to report in the press, for the world seems beset with real issues that quite rightly command the attention and grab the headlines - the Eurozone, Syria, Iran, Afghanistan, the Jubilee, the Olympics and so on.   And it`s against this background that I look forward each Friday to the publication of our own local `newspaper.`  And it truly is an event that makes me feel safe and secure in our little enclave, for when I read the headlines, then all the troubles of the world melt away and are replaced by the comforting assertion that none of those things concern, trouble or matter to the editor of our local paper.

So, today not a word about any of that.   Instead, we have the front page banner headline and a full page spread telling us that after a five year struggle and paying out £10,000 in the process, the owner of a local pizza shop has finally been allowed to open for business.   It seems the local councils have been ganging up on him over problems of parking, noise and smells and other objections which have now finally been overcome.   My, what a titanic effort it must have been to fend off the slings and arrows of outrageous officialdom and come out victorious at the end of it all.   So congratulations to Mr. Pizza and I hope his business thrives as it deserves to do.

One day I guess the huge problems of the wider world might impact on our insular environment here in our Kentish backwater but until that happens then we`ll keep calm and carry on dancing in the streets in celebration that `PIZZA SHOP OPENS AFTER FIVE YEAR WAIT.`

THIS YEAR`S HEADLINES ?

I moan quite a lot about the BBC but it does have some redeeming features, mainly the documentaries it produces on BBC 4 and the Horizon series on BBC 2.

I watched the Horizon Special programme about CERN`s Large Hadron Collider and the search being conducted for the Higgs Boson - the elusive `God Particle,` as the press will have it.   It`s fascinating stuff and there`s no doubt that enormous progress has been made in narrowing down the area where the Higgs might finally been confirmed.  This is an example of how the progress has been hailed in the press:-

"WE MAY HAVE GLIMPSED THE HIGGS BOSON," SAY CERN SCIENTISTS

Physicists have seen strong hints the Higgs boson exists but a firm discovery may not come before the end of 2012......

Now I know I shouldn`t trivialise something as important as the search to confirmthe existence (or not) of something that might be responsible for giving mass to everything in the universe, without which nothing including ourselves would be here today.   But the truth is that any triviality comes not from the scientists at CERN, nor from the subject of their research, but from the way in which these things are reported.


All of which reminds me of headlines I`ve come across in the past, most especially in provincial newspapers.   For example - `PEDESTRIAN ALMOST HIT BY CYCLIST` was a headline in the Isle of Wight County Press (`Black and White and Read all over`.)   And in truth "We may have glimpsed the Higgs Boson" is really about another near miss.


But I`m looking forward to later in the year when CERN might announce whether the Higgs exists or not.   If it is proven to exist then the headlines will no doubt shout "GOD PARTICLE CONFIRMED."   If not, then perhaps "BOFFINS BACK TO SQUARE ONE" might be the headline.   In the meantime, I`m still waiting for the one headline that has so far eluded me - "MARIE CELESTE DOCKS AT LIVERPOOL."