BETTER TO ARRIVE THAN TRAVEL?

Over recent years, I`ve been to quite a few airports - Stanstead, Heathrow, the new Heathrow Terminal 5 and Gatwick South. I`ve been going there either to collect or deliver my Hamburg based son and his family. I`ve never actually flown anywhere myself for quite a few years now, but I have become something of an experienced observer of those who do.

And yesterday I made yet another in my long line of deliveries to Gatwick, when our visitors were due to fly back to Hamburg having spent some time with us. I`m not sure I get on terribly well with airports. There`s the extortionate car parking charge of £5 for the first hour....and here`s me moaning last week about paying £3.50 to park at Daymer Bay in Cornwall for a whole day. Then there`s the enormous queue to check in and sort out the baggage, then the check to see if you`ve got any lipstick, fluids or other dubious stuff that needs to be left behind in little sealed plastic bags. Then there`s the endless security checks which my son tells me even involve our two grandsons (9 and 7) being stripped down with their shoes and socks removed. (Knowing my grandson as I do, maybe they do, after all, pose a security threat.) Then there`s the general `demeanour` of the actual passengers, whether they be boarding or alighting. They seem to be in a daze, as if transfixed in their own bewilderment as they subject themselves to the series of challenges that face them in their attempts to get anywhere. And I haven`t even mentioned immigration control or customs or men holding up cards with people`s names on or the extraordinary Costa coffees with their hyped up price tags and their bottomless mugs.

My son`s flight was delayed for a couple of hours, courtesy of a strike by French air traffic controllers, which I suppose makes a change from the assorted strikes regularly called by British ATCs, baggage handlers, etc. All of which suggests that the usual notion that it`s better to travel than to arrive might be out of date at least where air travel is concerned. My last flight was, I think, to Lisbon 16 years ago and the subsequent years of just observing the comings and goings at UK airports probably means that I won`t be bothering again any time soon. Anyway, my passport ran out years ago.

FLYING TONIGHT?

This is the less than imposing facade of Stansted Airport, which I visitied again early this morning with my youngest son and his family, who flew back to Hamburg after spending a few days with us. Last time they came, I took on Heathrow`s new Terminal Five, which was also less than imposing. There`s something about airports that I can`t quite define. It may be that my opinion is coloured by the fact that I go to airports quite a lot but never ever fly anywhere. But today`s `experience` did nothing to enhance my general attitude towards airports and all the challenges that await me when I go there.

Today started early - we left home at 7.30am so as to get there in plenty of time for the check in and security business. Once again I had to pay to use the Dartford Tunnel, which I finished paying for years ago but continue to have to fork out each time I use it. It`s gone up to £1.50 each way, which simply compounds the felony. Managed to park at Stansted in the Red Car Park, even though my car is black. I went off to find a trolley for the luggage and was surprised to have to pay another £1.00 to get one, which was made worse by me putting the £1 coin in the wrong slot and having to find another £1 coin for the right slot - I just don`t `do` technology.

Then came the ritual of Ryanair`s check-in system, which seems to comprise checking in by machine, then proceeding past a checkpoint, showing boarding passes, so as to deposit the luggage. That done, we ambled off to a rather pleasant Italian cafe (Caffe Alba) for some coffee and a bite to eat before my son and his family said goodbye and disappeared into the departure lounge, which left me to amble away and face the challenge of the car park payment machines. I had some difficulty at first but a kind lady showed me where to `stick my ticket` and fork out £6.80 for a little over an hour`s parking.

I found my car which stood out quite prominently in the Red Car Park and meandered back home along the M11, M25, Dartford Bridge (another £1.50) M20 and home to an eerily quiet house. As I got home, it started snowing....and it still is. Tomorrow, as Kent is gripped by a few centimetres of snow, I confidently predict that all the schools will be closed, minor roads will be declared impassable and all forms of transport will be severely disrupted. But it will be October before I have to go to Stansted again - plenty of time to give the car a respray. In red, of course.

BETTER TO DEPART THAN ARRIVE?

Well, Heathrow`s Terminal 5 turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Architecturally, it might be `interesting` and functionally it might work ok but it`s all glass, concrete and steel and seems to lack any `warmth` or any feeling of being welcome.

Some of the flight arrival info boards were just plain wrong, which added to my first time confusion and I was underwhelmed with the car park charges - £6.00 for just over an hour? No thanks. Maybe too it was the atmosphere that clouded my perception, but the arrivals hall seemed largely to be populated by dark suited men holding up cards with people`s names on, whilst at the same time holding plastic cups of coffee (possibly cups of plastic coffee) and with things stuck in their ears which glowed blue lights every now and then. Most surreal. You can tell I`m from the sticks and from another age - thank heaven.

Maybe the departure bit will be more forgiving - I`ll find out on Sunday - and it may be that. like Portsmouth, Terminal 5 is a better place to leave than to arrive.

ARRIVALS AND DEPARTURES

Off to Heathrow`s new Terminal 5 later today to meet our youngest son (pictured above) and his wife, along with our two grandsons, aged 7 and 5, who live in Hamburg and who will be staying with us for a few days.

It will be my first visit to Terminal 5 so I`m quite looking forward to perhaps a more civilised and welcoming atmosphere than exists in the other Heathrow terminals, although reports of computer glitches fouling up the baggage handling service yesterday are worrying.

Mrs. Snopper and I don`t do flying - the last time was the helicopter from Penzance to Tresco. It`s not that we have a fear of flying....more a fear of crashing. And I do wish they wouldn`t call them `Terminals.`

THANK YOU, GOD!

The past week or so has seen us enjoying warm, dry, sunny weather here in the Garden of England. The grass has started to grow again, buds appearing in the orchards, birds singing. That kind of thing.

Tomorrow, I`ll be heading for Stansted Airport to collect my youngest son, his wife and two boys who are flying in from Hamburg to stay with us for a few days. So we had been hoping that they would be blessed with a continuation of the Spring-like weather of late.

But no. The weather forecast for tomorrow is for heavy rain and gale force winds (what`s the betting the QE2 Bridge will be closed?) and the prospect for Friday is even worse, with snow on the way. All thanks to an icy blast coming down from the Arctic. I think this will be the view through my car windscreen:-

Just when we needed the fine weather for our visitors, it turns for the worse. Typical. Just typical. Thank you, God. Thank you so much. Just wait `til I get up there!

Celestial Update : By the time I set out on my journey to Stansted, the rain had stopped and, despite being a bit nippy in the stiff breeze, I had no problems. And today has dawned bright and clear - still a bit nippy in the stiff breeze but nothing to complain about. Just shows what a bit of grumbling can do. Thank you, God. How could I ever doubt you?

INTERNATIONAL TRAVELLERS BEMUSE SNOPPER

Our Travel Correspondent reports

For someone who doesn`t `do` international travel, Snopper came mighty close to it on Wednesday evening when he was seen at the arrival area in Gatwick`s South Terminal.

When approached by the waiting media as to the reason for his presence, it was quickly established that he and Mrs. Snopper were there to meet Hamburg based family members who were visiting for a few days. Asked what he thought of his terminal arrival experience, Snopper was quick to confess some bemusement at the demeanour of passengers as they emerged into the arrival meeting area.

"They don`t half look miserable," he said. "Just look at the state of them - trudging along, pulling their rolling luggage pieces behind them, making that awful kind of scraping noise as they go, half of them on mobile phones as they trudge along, some dressed in shorts and t-shirts, so it`s obviously a fashion wasteland....and then there are these people waiting for some of them holding up cards with names on. It`s just a sad shambles."

Snopper was equally unimpressed by the exhorbitant car parking charges (£3.90 for 45 minutes stretched even Snopper`s resources) but it seems the whole experience has made him even more determined to avoid having a passport, thus - in turn - leaving the question as to whether to leave his fingerprints to medical science once again on the back boiler.

It remains to be seen if the return visit for the return flight this weekend will lessen the tension, but travellers can expect some delays as the ant-rant squad again provide increased security during Snopper`s visit. Well, the travelling public do need to be protected from such negative outbursts, don`t they?