A TRIPLE WHAMMY ?

Once again the by now discredited honours system has brought the game into disrepute.  I have always been suspicious of it as a system and each year it throws up yet more examples of how out of touch it really is.

Now I`m the first to say that of course there are many, many examples of honours being bestowed on people who richly deserve them - the countless numbers who diligently perform their roles in the common good and - perhaps less so - those who bring a little comfort and joy into our lives through their excellence in representing the country in the field of entertainment or the world of sport.

And yet every time the honours are announced there are cases which really do defy belief.  The latest is, of course, the Knight of the Garterhood bestowed on Tony Blair.  I can only assume that it has been granted in recognition of his services to illegal military operations which caused the loss of life to so many and inflicted untold suffering on many many more.  You really couldn`t make it up.

But more than that, maybe he has also been `honoured` for his role in bestowing a knighthood on former Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson.  It came on the back of United`s famous success in winning three competitions in the same season and was encouraged by the belief in Downing Street at the time that it would be good news for Blair to be associated with United`s success, despite the fact that the reputation of their manager was founded on sour faced Caledonian aggression and an almost total disregard for the way the game should be played and represented.  Maybe there are parallels between the two?

It`s been interesting to witness the outpourings of homage to Ferguson in the last few days as he joins the ranks of us octogenarians.  Old Trafford has gone bonkers in its adulation for its former bruiser who seems to have become a permanent fixture in and around the club in the mistaken belief that his presence is in any way helpful. 

So, the honours system has delivered a triple whammy - the system itself of course coupled with the examples of Blair and Ferguson   which confirms that the system as it stands sinks deeper into irrelevance as time goes by.  It has reached the stage whereby I am heartily relieved not to have been recognised for doing anything out of the ordinary;  I`ll just settle for my deserved bronze life-saving medal, my refereeing medals and my lifelong membership of the Tufty Club. 

TIME FOR ANOTHER ONE?...

The picture above shows Her Majesty The Queen bestowing a knighthood on former England cricket captain, Sir Alistair Cook, who had retired from the captaincy having scored over 12,000 runs for his country - more than any other batsman in the annals of English cricket.

Now I apologise for those of you who are not aficionados of the Summer game for inflicting another post on you but by any standards the milestone reached yesterday by James Anderson of reaching 600 wickets for England really does deserve some comment.

He becomes the fourth highest wicket taker in the history of Test cricket, after Muralitheran,Shane Warne and Anil Kumble......but they were all spin bowlers, content with short run-ups at gentle pace.   Anderson is a pace bowler - even yesterday he was clocking an average of over 83 mph for each delivery - and so in terms of sheer physical effort I suggest that his achievement is arguably more admirable than the three above him in the list.   So far he has bowled over 5,600 overs in Test matches - almost 34,000 balls bowled, each with a long run up and exerting huge stress on his body.  But he has done that for 17 seasons and looks as if he will keep going.

When he eventually retires from the game, I hope that like Cook and many other cricketers before him, Anderson will be awarded the knighthood his dedication, skill and sheer effort deserves.

A DESERVED HONOUR...

I have long been a bit cynical as far as the normally discredited honours system is concerned but today an MBE has been awarded to Southampton legend Francis Benali, not for his prowess as a destructive full back in days gone by but for his achievement in raising over £1 million for Cancer Research in performing a quite outstanding series of daunting physical and mental challenges by running to all 20 Premier League grounds in a matter of three weeks - the equivalent of running two marathons a day. 

So, congratulations to Frannie on a well deserved honour. 

As for me, I have a couple of routines that I like to follow.  The first is to buy the local newspaper each week and I turn to the obituary column;  if my name doesn`t appear, then I just carry on for another week.  The second is that each time the `honours` are announced I look to see if my name appears there as well;  so far it hasn`t, much to my relief as I would hate to have to dress up and go to the Palace to receive a gong - far too much pretension and trouble for me.  Although years ago, to be fair, Mrs. Snopper and I were invited to a Queen`s Garden Party at the Palace but we declined as gracefully as we could we simply because we really didn`t want to go - too much pretension and trouble for us.

So I look back on my life in a desperate search to see if I can claim any `honourable mentions` and the best I can come up with goes back to my National Service days, all of sixty years ago now.   Us enforced conscripts were not supposed to like or conform to the ways of the regular army and so we spent a lot of time complaining, much of the time soto voce amongst ourselves, adopting the art of `ticking` - as such complaining was known as.  

We became so practised at the art that we formed our own association - the  Tenth Hussars National Service Ticking Association (THNSTA,) which required a certain amount of ticking to be recorded in order to gain entry to that exclusive club and then be able to add NSTA to any military documents requiring our signature.  A similar `honour` went to those who were admitted to the PA Club, entry to which required the consumption of eight pints (or German equivalent) of the local Paderborner export bier in a fixed amount of time down at Fritz`s nearby hostelry. (I`m sure you don`t need me to explain what PA stands for.)

And so I was able to attach NSTA and PA (and bar) to my signature during the latter stages of my illustrious defence of Queen and Country.   I still consider that to be more of an honour than any gong I am never going to receive from officialdom although I readily accept that Frannie Benali has thoroughly deserved everything that comes his way.

NEW ORDER ?

I see that Teresa May is calling for an extended honours list so as to properly reward our Olympics heroes and heroines following the astonishing triumph of Team GB in Rio.   Quite right too, although I hope the honours might be extended to those coaches and support staff behind the scenes who contributed so much to the success of our athletes.

But if I was an Olympic medallist, I might be just a tad nervous of entering an honours system that has only recently again been called into question following Dave Cameron `honouring` assorted hairdressers, cronies and donors and which, in the past, has `honoured` such luminaries as Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Mick Jagger and Tom Jones.

Now we can always learn from other countries and I have often thought that the system in Russia (yes, I know) whereby success in sport is acknowledged not by some corrupt system like we have in the UK but by one which is reserved exclusively to recognise excellence in sporting achievement.  Sports people in Russia are awarded as Honoured Masters of Sport, which has various categories and includes coaches as well as athletes in all forms of sport.

Our own Honoured Masters could still have and be addressed as `Sir` or `Dame` and a trip to Buck House could also be retained.   It would herald a new order in our system of rewarding excellence and leave the traditional  arrangement to carry on bunging gongs to lollipop ladies, faithful retainers and political placemen. 

Anyway, as we`re discussing new order, let`s hear from the real New Order who, as far as I know, are still without any form of deserved official recognition.  Here`s my favourite track of theirs..........

GOING FOR A GONG..

Well, it didn`t take long for the true colours of the Westminster Bubble to emerge from the ashes of Labour`s election defeat.   Now there apparently exists a curious convention known as the `dissolution honours,` which allows a defeated leader to reward loyal cronies.   I imagine that these shenanigans are normally conducted rather quietly, away from the public gaze and thus avoiding the kind of criticism  that might be attracted.

This time, however, there`s a snag, which has given rise to a big falling out between former Leader Ed Milliband and Acting Leader Harriet Harman, who protested when discovering that Milliband intended to dish out a peerage to his election co-ordinator, one Spencer Livermore.   She retaliated by demanding a similar `honour` for her press chief, someone named Ayesha Hazarika.   The situation is complicated by the fact that, as things stand, Harriet - as Acting Leader of the party - outranks the crestfallen Milliband and so she is determined to stand up to him.

Labour MPs aren`t happy with this public spat and are said to be `outraged` by the prospect of peerages being give to ` a wonk and a spin doctor,` whilst overlooking two senior Labour parliamentarians, Paul Murphy and Dave Watts, who `have devoted their lives to serving their party and country with distinction and deserve the awards far more` than the two being squabbled over.

And when you look at the comparative qualifications of the four prospective peers in question, I can only agree with the back-bench MPs who are `outraged.`   It seems Mr. Livermore, who naturally lives with his partner, the Labour MEP Sebastian Dance,  is reported to have been promised a peerage when he was recruited by Ed Milliband two years ago and therefore his claim to a seat in the House of Lords seems to hinge on a misguided promise and losing the election which he was paid to co-ordinate.   Ms. Hazarika is a former actress, stand-up comedian and hit the headlines when being sworn at by Hugh Grant in a bar at the 2012 Labour Conference.  Previous to her work for Ms. Harman, she spent time in the Home Office, Downing Street and as chief press officer to Labour Cabinet Minister Patricia Hewitt. It is believed that this almighty fuss has forced Ms. Harmon to abandon her bid to ennoble her press chief. 

The whole thing smack of farce, of course, because it`s one thing to have a discredited honours system anyway, another to have  murky `dissolution honours` and quite another to even suggest that people who live off patronage and favouritism should be suitable candidates to join the ermine-clad ranks of the £300 a day Santa lookalikes that make up the second chamber of the mother of parliaments.   Or maybe they might just fit the bill after all?

GONG HO !

Well, the New Year Honours came and went and seemed to leave behind the much vaunted knighthoods for David Beckham and Andy Murray.   I can only conclude that, far from it being `too early` for them to become knights of the realm, the powers that be were understandably fearful of the effect it might have on  Mrs. Beckham`s inherent shyness and modesty and, as for Mr. Murray, well it`s just possible that with the referendum on Scottish independence looming later this year, it was felt to be a bit daft to make him Sir Andy only for the `honour` to be rendered worthless in what might become a foreign country.

Incidentally, the parliamentary three stooges - Cameron, Clegg and Miliband - are all urging the Scots to remain part of the United Kingdom, all for blatantly political reasons rather than any hint of unity.   As for me, I remain miffed that we here in England along with those in Wales and Northern Ireland are not being given the chance to vote on whether the United Kingdom might become even more disunited than it already is.

But back to the honours, for there might now be a slim chance of more gongs heading in the direction of Snopperville.   The New Year Honours this time around included a British Empire Medal for a local lady in recognition of her services to recycling domestic household waste and for ensuring the welfare of seagulls and it surely cannot be long before another award is handed out to the local nocturnal malcontent in recognition of his/her services to ringing door bells late at night, disturbing the peace of elderly residents and running away.

All of which will merely add to the farce of awarding British Empire Medals anyway when there`s no British Empire any more. But then the whole `honours` business is a faded relic of the days of yore and, like our football team, it`s time for the Honours Committee to wake up and realise that any past glories there might have been are now but distant memories.   But at least the seagulls are happy. 

THERE`S ALWAYS SOMEONE...

It`s strange how, during the dead interlude between Christmas and New Year, there`s always someone who comes along to give me something to grumble about.  No shortage of candidates this year, so let`s start with `Sir` Alex Ferguson who, once again, has behaved in a manner more fitted to the Govan back streets from whence he came, than a knight of the realm.   

Again he has shown contempt for authority and deployed his old friends  - Messrs. Intimidation and Bullying -  in order to kick and scream and shout his obsessive desire to be right in all things.   Trouble is, he`s wrong again but the football authorities seem either powerless or reluctant to dish out the kind of sanctions to Ferguson that they would not hesitate to impose on other managers.   I will watch with interest how the Newcastle fans react to Ferguson`s latest rant and I suspect that even now some of them are plotting to blow up the statue outside Old Trafford.

The mandarins of Whitehall are apparently holding up publication of the long awaited and now almost forgotten Chilcot Inquiry into events leading up to the Iraq War.   There`s a stand off between Chilcot and Whitehall over the reluctance of the mandarins to publish the records of conversations between the then Prime Minister,Tony Blair, and the then USA President George W Bush.   The result is that publication of the report, if at all, is now likely to be towards the back end of 2013 or even into 2014, all of which confirms suspicions that the very long grass beckons as the report might well throw up some uncomfortable revelations, none of which brings any comfort to the families of our armed forces lost in that almost certainly illegal conflict.

Mentioning Blair brings me finally on to Mrs. Blair who has surprisingly been `honoured` in today`s Honours List by the award of a CBE allegedly for her services to charity and women.   Circumspection encourages me to comment no further, for I`m sure conclusions will be drawn that might not be entirely charitable.   However, I have no such compunction in dismissing as a sick joke the `honour` awarded to Tracey Emin which I can only imagine is made for her services to both personal and professional mediocrity.   I`m left with the nagging feeling of being cheated as, if the unfortunate Ms. Emin can be gonged, then how come Rickie Lambert Southampton`s Goal Machine (RLSGM) - already losing out in the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award -  is denied once more?  

The season of goodwill just keeps on coming.......

BACK IN THE USSR..

Yet more contention about the UK`s (dis)honours system today.   The Parliamentary Public Administration Select Committee has reported that too many civil servants, politicians and celebrities are receiving honours - a statement of the bleedin` obvious if ever there was one - and are calling for a rise in honours for volunteers in the community and for increased transparency in the way honours are doled out.

The contention arises, I suspect, because of the number of Olympic athletes who might be honoured in the New Year Honours list, as well as a whole host of people who worked to make the Games such a success.  Well, maybe this gives an opportunity to overhaul the entire honours system and start again.

Now, back in the days of the USSR they had a quite separate system for honouring sports people whereby the honorary title of Honoured Master of Sport was awarded to those who had achieved outstanding success in national and international competitions and those who had become Olympic or World Champions.   So, although I suspect some political resistance to copying anything from the old USSR days, it would neatly overcome the log jam of honouring all our own medallists. 

Of course, setting up a separate system for sport would also make it necessary to do the same for other `walks of life.`   So I would expect to see honorary titles dished out for Honoured Master of Political Intrigue, Honoured Master of Time Serving Bureaucracy and Honoured Master of Possibly Entertaining People Whilst Stashing Cash Away In An Off-Shore Tax Haven.

Well, something needs to happen.

CROWDED HOUSE..

The criterion for awarding `honours` in the UK is that candidates should have `given valuable service to the nation.`   I suppose there was a time when this was strictly adhered to but more recent examples have made me wonder just what the value to the nation has been by the service given by those such as Sir Mick Jagger, Sir Tom Jones, Sir Elton John, aka Reg Dwight, Sir Brucie, not to mention the infernal Sir Fergie and those in receipt of `lesser` gongs such as former England and Portsmouth custodian David James, golfer Luke Donald and countless time serving civil servants.

Now there`s a lot of fuss about whether all our Olympic medallists should all be honoured and, if they are, then I have no problem with that as they have truly inspired a generation, even the older one - a service more valuable than many others.   But then there are so many other people who contributed to the outstanding success of London 2012 and who are in danger of being overlooked when the gong committee meets to sort it out - the construction workers, the landscape gardeners, those who worked through the night transforming the stadium and the thousands and thousands of volunteers.   They all deserve our thanks and our admiration and if there`s any justice in the honours system (don`t laugh, please) then they would all turn Buckingham Palace into a crowded house for an investiture fest.

On the other hand, if the trend continues to hand out honours on such a vast scale - and part of me wonders why not - then the day will surely come when I find myself the only one left known as plain Mister, at which point, I will finally be the recipient of literally a singular honour in recognition of the fact that I have singularly failed to give any sort of valuable service to the nation.. 

SETTING AN EXAMPLE..

`Awesome` is another word that is too often misused, especially in America and the less literate of our own sub-cultures.   But yesterday, awesome was the only word to describe the fortitude of Ben Parkinson as he carried the Olympic Torch through the streets of Doncaster.   Ben, of course, suffered terrible injuries when a roadside bomb exploded in Afghanistan, resulting in the loss of both legs, a broken back, hips, ribs and brain damage.

Now, there has rightly been extensive coverage of Ben`s heroic effort, but watching his latest personal triumph yesterday, a couple of things occurred to me.   The first was how much more fitting it was to have a real life local hero having the honour of carrying the torch than it was to have it carried by imported corporate placemen and Z list celebrities and how, in the 27 minutes that Ben struggled through his part of the relay yesterday, he had rescued just a little of the spirit that should be behind the Olympic ideal.

The next was that, rather than our outdated and abused honours system showering gongs on time serving bureaucrats, political inadequates and assorted `celebrities` in a quest for populist support (Blair/Ferguson anyone?) it would be far better for the country to restrict its honours to those such as Ben Parkinson who, by his heroics in Afghanistan and in his determination to overcome extreme disability, has set a truly awesome example for us all.

TIME FOR A CHANGE?

"Nice to knight you....to knight you - nice."   I can see it now as the Queen dubs Brucie.   And so another celebrity is knighted for being, well, a celebrity and joins the ranks of Sir Reg, Sir Bono, Sir Bob, Sir Tom, Sir Mick and all the other celebrities on whom honours are dubiously bestowed .

The Queen`s Birthday Honours were once again dished out to time serving civil servants, diplomats, those from `the arts` - whatever they are - judges, barons of industry and, in short, all the usual suspects.   More creditably, there were deserving honours for members of the armed forces and `ordinary` folk like the ubiquitous dinner ladies.  

But perhaps the more telling fact was not so much who were included but who were not.   And it was significantly interesting that, from the world of sport, whilst cricketers, the odd cyclist and afficionados of the sport of kings were handed gongs, not one single representative from the world of football was `honoured.`   Unless I missed someone in the small print, I couldn`t find anyone from the gentleman`s game played by hooligans.  And if that`s the case then it seems piquantly fitting that a game which at the highest level has become an industry, wallowing in excess, arrogance and a false sense of its own value, should be omitted from the ritual dance that the honours have become.

Now I would imagine that the serial super-injunction seekers of this fantasy world had already shot themselves in the foot, so to speak, and since most of the Premier League players appear to be foreign they wouldn`t qualify anyway, unless like our friends Bono and Bob they were to receive `honorary honours.`  But I would have thought room could have been found for the likes of Rickie Lambert Southampton`s Goal Machine, Gills stalwart John Nutter or even our street`s buzzin` local hero, Scott Wagstaff, who is surely due some recognition for his services to pacy flanking.  Sounds daft?   Au contraire, for it is simply to suggest that their honesty, integrity and professionalism make them as qualified, if not more so, than many who will toddle off to Buck House for an undeserved investiture. 

Maybe it`s time for an alternative honours system?  Or, even better, don`t have one at all.