LET`S HEAR IT FOR THE MEDIOCRE.

Last night, I watched the last few holes in the US Masters Golf thingy from Augusta.

It was a bit like finding out who had won one of those seemingly endless snooker tournaments by just watching the last few minutes, thus obviating the need to sit through the preceeding days of unremitting tedium.

Anyway, back to Augusta. Everything was just so perfect - the azaleas, the fairways and greens, the water features, the impeccable manners of the players and spectators (there is a rule at Augusta which prohibits spectators from running anywhere - what happens if there`s a fire, I wonder?) - and the golf was, of course, of the highest standard. Then there`s the Butler Cabin and the green jackets and all the rest of the pretention that surrounds this event as America tries to invent tradition for itself whilst serving only to achieve ridicule.

The players themselves have their `day at the office`.....for that`s what it has become for many of them; just a job. OK, a job with fame and fortune attached, but still a job. I wonder if any of them really enjoy the game for the sport that it really is and, to that extent, they have my sympathy.

For some years before they retired, my parents kept a quiet country village pub, where the pace of business life suited their circumstances. The pub had a bar billiards table - the idea of the game apparently being to score as many points as possible without knocking down little wooden obstructions on the table within the 20 minutes time allowed. Now, given the pace of life in that pub, my father was able to spend hours and hours practicing bar billiards and he became very good at it.

Each time I visited, I was invited to have a game with him. Each time he started the game he would spend the entire 20 minutes on the table racking up enormous scores, leaving me to stand holding my redundant cue, never able to make a contribution. I really didn`t mind - it was just a game; but it made me realise that if you become too good at it, then it ceases to be a game and becomes a metronomic exercise.

And so mediocrity has been a hallmark of my sporting life ever since. I played for pretty bad football teams, I even captained an average village cricket team (which says much for the standard of the rest of the players); my golf struggles to achieve a score of less than three figures.....but I have enjoyed every minute of it and never once felt that it was a day at the office. Quite the contrary, for sport should be an escape rather than an obligation. It was once said that sport is the last refuge for those who find it impossible to idle. I suggest it`s really the place where mediocrity should be encouraged. I should know - after all, I`ve never been near a bar billiard table since.