A TALE OF TWO BIRDIES

From our Golf Correspondent

Yes, two.   I`m afraid my report of the first birdie  has been a long time coming, as exhaustive checks have had to be made to confirm the authenticity of the claim.   But now that Cambridge`s Cavendish Laboratory, the Government`s  Scientific Advisory Council, the Health and Safety Executive and none other than our old friends The Royal and Ancient have all agreed that Snopper did actually achieve a birdie on Hever Castle`s Princes Course ten days ago.  

Yes, it has taken all that time to confirm that Snopper managed to birdie the par 3 third - a notoriously difficult hole which presents the golfer with a daunting lake to cross before encountering a troublesome green.   No problems for Snopper, however, whose tee shot careered into a bank to the left of the lake, looped up in the air and landed, quite miraculously, just two feet from the pin.   Even he couldn`t miss from that range and so he carded what is believed to be only the second birdie in a career spanning over a quarter of a century.

And so to birdie number two, which was achieved only yesterday by Snopper`s neighbour Mr. Slightly, whose prowess is such that no confirmation is ever required and his scores are always accepted without question.   It arrived at the Hempsted Forest course close to Cranbrook and was accompanied by no less than seven pars.   Moreover, Mr. Slightly`s loss of just one ball in his 18-hole round compared well with Snopper`s loss of five balls on his nine holes at Hever Castle, which included the aforementioned birdie.

For Mr. Slightly, his successful afternoon was simply yet another in a litany of golfing achievement for this naturally gifted sportsman who certainly did not deserve the dismissive `He`s just `aving a pose` alleged to have been muttered by a chastened Snopper on hearing the news.

I fear it will be some time before I can report another tale of two birdies from this diverse couple, but I think I know which of the pair will be next to record one.  No prizes.