"GUTEN TAG, HERR PIGCLIMBER"

I`m getting a little worried about the German football team. To be fair, they have done very well in the World Cup and have reached the semi-finals where they play Spain tomorrow evening. Of course, their progress thus far included the 4-1 drubbing of England but it is not for that reason that my suspicions are being roused. No, really, because I shed no tears for the dismal failure of our overpaid underachievers.

Rosa Klebb lookalike German Chancellor Angela Merkel (pictured) was seen dancing in the streets of Bloemfontein after that victory and I began to wonder how, apart from the obvious fear that she engenders, the team had managed to do so well. A closer look at the make-up of the team shows that they may not be quite as German as they would have us believe. Mr. Podolski and Mr. Klose, both born in Poland; Mr. Ozil sounds a bit Turkish to me; Mr. Sami Khedira could well be Tunisian and Mr. Boateng has more than a hint of Ghanaian about him.

But I have been especially concerned about Bastian Schweinsteiger. He`s a decent player, bosses the midfield, has a good engine and an eye for a pass but his surname literally translates as Pigclimber. Bastian Pigclimber. Doesn`t quite ring true somehow. Can`t imagine seeing him walking down the street and saying, "Good morning Mr. Pigclimber." He may, after all, have entered the Fatherland on false papers from some remote Teutonic outpost. Just don`t get me started on Per Mertesacker that`s all!

Now, the England football team may be crap. But at least they`re English crap. Aren`t they just?