BACK TO SQUARE ONE

From our Golf Correspondent

Snopper cut a lone figure yesterday as he continued to trudge the fairways of life, having inexplicably been allowed back on to the Princes Course at Hever Castle. Following his extraordinary claim of four under par last time out, this time his round can once more be summed up as `eclectic.`

An indifferent start which saw his first tee shot end up on the adjoining 9th fairway was followed on the par 3 third when he was invited to `play through` a group of four. Never daunted by having an audience, his tee shot sailed over the imposing lake to land on the edge of the green, bringing gasps of astonishment from the admiring foursome. As always with Snopper, however, there is a disaster in every round he plays and this time it came on another lakebound par 3 - the formidable 7th - where he contrived to deposit no less than four balls in the water, scattering goslings and other wildlife in the process.

A word about rules for lost balls. Now, the normal Royal and Ancient rules of golf quite reasonably give penalties for losing balls in water hazards, but Snopper`s equally reasonable interpretation suggests that, having spent the whole winter harvesting balls from the undergrowth of nearby courses, then on the principle that they were lost to begin with, thenhe surely must be allowed to render them lost again without penalty. In the end, he abandoned all hope of completing that hole and, as they say, drew a line in the sand and moved on.

There was a final mini-triumph, however, as for the first time he genuinely and quite imperiously made par on the final hole, thus completing his mission to par every hole on the course. And in doing so, in yet another parallel with Eric Morecambe`s attempt to come to grips with Grieg`s Piano Concerto, Snopper can now claim to have parred each hole on the course.....but not necessarily in the right order.