NO CONTEST....

Last evening`s choice of television was a straight contest between watching Kate Humble and the overpaid, arrogant, mind-numbingly boring, multi-millionaire poseurs of Manchester Bleedin` United. My picture shows the winsome Kate interrupting her cup of badger to take a call on her mobile telling her the result from Rome of Manchester United having been stuffed by Barcelona in the European Cup Final.

She looks quite pleased about it. And so, I confess, do I. Now I have to be careful here because I am sure that within the confines of the Manchester area, there are genuine fans who support their local team and it is for those that I have some sympathy. However, those from Surrey, Devon, Ireland and heaven knows where who also claim to be lifelong, diehard fans of the so-called Red Devils attract little sympathy at all.

I also confess to having an almost pathological dislike of the edifice which Manchester United has become. This stems back some years, but particularly came to the fore when they came to St. Mary`s and beat us 2-1 to consign us to relegation and a continuing spiral of decline. Now, I could accept the defeat and even the relegation, but what I found unnecessarily distateful were the antics of United captain, Roy Keane, who at the final whistle, gave us an exaggerated thumbs down and waved a petulant goodbye. From that moment onwards, I have also grown tired of United`s arrogance and their above-the-law attitude to the rest of the football world. I know. I need help.

Some people say that I should be sorry that an `English` team lost out last night, but if United were not owned by Americans, `managed` by a dour Scot, littered with foreign players, sponsored by a failed American bank and followed by a multi-national collection of vicarious glory hunters, then I might feel differently.

However, to introduce a note of fairness into this particular rant and end on a more approving note, it was a refreshing change to see manager Ferguson accept that they were beaten by the better team and show an uncharacteristic graciousness in defeat. I heard mention on the radio this morning from one of the 267 BBC staff in Rome that `at least United lost well.` As I said before, show me a good loser and I`ll show you a loser.

And as for the lovely Ms. Humble, well she has shown me things I never knew about the natural world which is so far removed from the excesses of the counterfeit world of football. No contest.