CAPTAIN DESPERATE AND THE BROWN NOSE COWBOY...

So, Gordon Brown`s reshuffle has seen the return to Cabinet duty of Peter Mandelson - the Joey Barton of politics. Indeed, Mandelson`s track record of dismissals rivals that of the Newcastle midfielder, so on reputation alone, one is forced to wonder about the real motives behind the move.

Either way, it smacks of desperation. It`s astonishing and not a little offensive, as the qualifications for returning to `govern` the rest of us seem to include a history of discredited failure and a penchant for bringing the game into disrepute. To compound the felony, it seems Mandelson will become a peer of the realm - all ermine, leather benches and late night contentment.

Besides Mandelson, there are reported returns to `government` for other has-beens like Nick Brown (always an intriguing name for a politician these days,) Margaret Beckett and Alastair Campbell. Not so much a reshuffle as a turn by the Blair Cabinet Tribute Band.

But then , of course, the whole business of reshuffles and reorganisations is a well trodden path for the desperate. I`m reminded of the wisdom of Caius Petronius, Roman Consul, who in AD 66 said, " We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising: and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress, while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation."

One thing`s for sure. Confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation are guaranteed with the return of the brown nose cowboy. And Captain Desperate may, like the rest of us, live to regret his return....if he`s not already.