SNOPPER FINDS CONSISTENCY AT LAST

From our Golf Correspondent

I suppose it had to happen sometime. For years, Snopper has trudged the fairways of life with one vital element in his game always proving elusive. That vital ingredient is, of course, consistency; the ability to play hole after hole at the same score; that magic touch which singles out players from the merely ordinary.

Now, before Wednesday`s return visit to Hever Castle Golf Club (childhood home of Anne Boleyn - possibly) Snopper splashed out and purchased a brand new virginal white glove along with a packet of white tees - you know, those with fixed heads so that each time you put them in the ground, they always stick out the same height. Maybe this set the tone for a round of golf which would enable Snopper to achieve the consistency he has been seeking for so long.

And he did not disappoint. Playing the three holes around the Amen Corner of the course - the 6th, 7th and 8th - Snopper managed to card 9, 9, 9 for each of the three holes. The first time in a completely forgettable career that he has managed to perform so consistently badly; perhaps `appallingly` would be a more accurate description. Until then, things had not been too bad - indeed, he managed to par the tricky par 3 third, thanks to being allowed to tee off again after claiming that he wasn`t really ready first time round when his wayward tee shot found the water. But after that, things went rapidly downhill with the virginal glove being blamed for much of his troubles.

"Fore!!"

However, having achieved this landmark consistency, Snopper was heard to darkly mutter that perhaps he might go and have some lessons after all. And about time too, for he is one of those golfers who stands out from the merely ordinary - quite extraordinary, in fact - whilst the balance of his mind remains clearly disturbed.