PROFIT AND LOSS..

From our Golf Correspondent

A week ago I reported on Snopper`s latest attempt at carding a reasonable score on Hever Castle`s notoriously challenging Princes Course.   Well, notoriously challenging for Snopper - I`m not so sure about the rest of the golfing fraternity.   Anyway, I had some things to say about his own individual methods of marking his score and I suggested that, having predictably failed yet again to convince the Royal and Ancient to amend their rules in his favour, Snopper would this week resort to his usual tactic of invoking creative accountancy, an extremely generous uncertificated handicap and a liberal interpretation of the Rules of Golf.

And yesterday?   Not a bit of it.   Maybe he was stung by my criticism but he girdled his drooping loins, picked up the cudgel which is what he calls his driver and met the challenge head on.   And what a revelation.   I won`t bore you with a blow by blow account, but the highlights were really twofold.   First, after a gentle introduction on the first two holes, he hit an imperious four wood across a daunting lake on the Par 3 third, which landed about three feet from the pin.   I could almost hear him saying in a Fawlty-esque way, "Thank you, God.  Maybe a birdie at last after all these years of trying.  Just one - please," whereupon he promptly fluffed his putt and had to settle for a creditable par.

The second highlight was the fact that only two balls were lost yesterday - an unprecedented triumph given Snopper`s usual penchant for hitting, hoping and losing.   The first was lost when a tee shot zoomed off to the right, over some oak trees and narrowly missed a sleepily grazing pony in a nearby paddock.   No-one knows what happened to the second one, but lost it most definitely was.

Now, given that Snopper spends much of the winters poking around nearby golf courses to retrieve lost balls that might sustain him during the summer season, it is understandable that he guards these precious objects dearly and so he was disappointed to have lost even the two yesterday.   So, last evening, he went off with his faithful golden retriever, Barney, to a nearby course  hoping to replace the two lost balls.   It`s important to realise that it takes a golfer of Snopper`s ineptitude to know where to look.   He simply scours the rough in areas where he thinks his own ball might land and this knowledge, coupled with Barney`s sophisticated nostrils and his retriever instincts, resulted in no less than 18 balls being retrieved.

So, a good day all round - a decent score, no rule bending, no creative accountancy, a few shots to savour, only two balls lost but 18 found.   Like Basil Fawlty`s betting, Snopper for once in his life was up on the deal.  It won`t last though.