THEY`RE TALKING HIS LANGUAGE..

A few days ago, in one of the most wonderfully ironic moments that have marked the gruesome MPs expenses affair, former Speaker of the Commons, Michael Martin, was elevated to the peerage and morphed into Baron Martin of Springburn. It was Martin, of course, who presided over the whole expenses farrago and, at the taxpayer`s expense, tried to stop those same taxpayers from finding out how the MPs had spent the taxpayers` money.

Now normally, this `promotion` to the Upper House is routine for any Speaker. But Martin was the first Speaker to be forced out of office for more than 300 years. And the House of Lords Appointments Commission, which looks at all nominations for peerages, allegedly told Number 10 that his arrival might damage the reputation of the House of Lords. Gordon Brown simply waved those objections aside which just about confirmed that the peerage was part of the tempting package which persuaded Martin to quit as Speaker.

So, earlier in the week, there he was, resplendant in scarlet and ermine robes, shuffling towards the table of the House to hear the Clerk announce the ancient, time-honoured words: "Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom know Ye that We of Our especial grace, certain knowledge and mere motion … do advance, create and prefer Our trusty and well-beloved Michael John Martin blah, blah...and also that he may enjoy all the rights, privileges, pre-eminences, immunities and advantages to the degree of Baron duly and of right belonging, which Barons of Our United Kingdom have heretofore used and enjoyed, or as they do at present use and enjoy."

Rights, privileges, pre-eminences, immunities and advantages! They`re talking his language as he looks forward to building on the minimum daily allowance of £425 for bringing his own peculiar experience of life, evasion and sheet metal working to add to the proceedings of the House.

Now if you think I may have made that all up, just spare a moment to reflect on the prospect of former Second Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, following Baron Mick of Gorbals up the golden staircase. It is apparently also routine for ex-Home Secretaries to be granted peerages and one cannot escape the notion that the prospect of Smith following Martin will most definitely put the House of Lords Appointments Commission on guard once more. But I`m not sure it will make any difference, for what else can one expect from a political leadership not only out of touch with reality but also steeped in a moral decline of its own making?