SOMETHING ELSE I DON`T DO...

....is barbecues. This picture tells it all really. Grown men trying to be all macho and masterful as they invade the mysterious and dangerous world of outdoor culinary art, whilst being looked upon indulgently by ladies who know a good cock-up when they see one.

`Real men` are supposed to be able to build their own barbecues and know how to cook bits of dead animals to perfection on them, whereas all they seem to achieve is the ability to dress up like complete twonks whilst scorching the outside of things whose insides are better left undescribed. As for me, I am happy to forego any pretence by not having a barbecue anywhere in my garden or knowing anything at all about cooking, which I am happy to leave in Mrs. Snopper`s experienced hands. Call me old fashioned if you want, I don`t care because I am indeed old-fashioned. So there.

All this could be about to change, however, as this weekend we have been invited to a barbecue by Mrs. Snopper`s brother and his highly skilled wife. It will be the first barbie we`ve ever, ever been to or had anything to do with, which confession is of itself testament to the affection we have for `family occasions.`

I just hope highly skilled wife will be in charge of everything when it comes to the cooking bit - not that I distrust my brother-in-law, just that I need to feel secure in the knowledge that I won`t need to rush to the DIY shop on the way home for a stomach pump. In my old fashioned way, having had the pleasure of sampling skilled wife`s excellent culinary skills in the past, I just know I will be fine if she does the barbecuing. However, just in case, we`ll take Henry along - he could do rather well out of it.