SNOPPER SAYS.....

2012-02-13T20:01:00.004Z

LOSING MY RELIGION..

I never thought I would say this but after seven decades of enjoyment from football I find myself becoming more and more disillusioned with our so called national sport. If anything, the events of the last few days have merely served to confirm it.

I think for me at least it goes back to the beginning of the Premier League, back in the early 90s, when what used to be a sport was transformed into little more than a money making business. Fans suddenly became customers, invited to enjoy the matchday experience and revel in being identified with the brand in a results driven business. Now, apart from the obvious bleats I had when Southampton suffered the humiliation of relegations, administration, a succession of inept managers (including the fans favourite `Arry Redknapp) and some dubious chairmen, the standard of play may generally have improved over the years despite, rather than because of, the massive influx of foreign players into the Premier League.

My gripe, you see, is not about the game itself, it`s more about all the things that go on around it and it`s significant that not one of the bleats I trotted out above is anything to do with the game itself. Most recently, we`ve had off the field nonsense surrounding Suarez, Tevez, Evra, whether to shake hands or not, John Terry, the Capello/Redknapp diversion and today we learn that Rangers are likely to go in administration, along with Portsmouth who seem to be frequent visitors to that course of action.

We`ve had the tiresome antics of the usual suspects - Ferguson, Pulis, Wenger et al - who have become caricatures of what football management should really be about - leadership, setting an example, dignity, restraint and, above all, honesty. And with the staggering amounts of money involved the gap in perception between the `customers` and the businesses becomes ever wider - reminds me a bit of my relationship with energy companies.

Football at the self-styled `highest level` seems almost Hans Christian Andersen in its fairytale bubble or Alice in Wonderland in its removal from reality. It has become a pantomime, a farce, an unedifying spectacle and I think I may well have had enough of it. For more years than I care to remember I have, like Albert Camus, held the conviction that the one true religion might well be football. After all, it was surely no coincidence that Matthew Le Tissier was known as Le God or that the forces of darkness were lurking in Old Trafford.

But now even I am beginning to doubt whether my religion will be able to stand the prospect of the Saints rejoining the ranks of the Premier League. And I never thought I would ever admit to that either. I must be getting old!

2012-02-11T20:51:00.002Z

IS IT JUST ME ? PART 3..

The other afternoon, I was out with Barney walking through the snow covered orchards and when I got back to the car I turned the radio on just in time to catch the news. And what I was hearing made me wonder if I had somehow been transported to a different planet.

First there was the report that the two hoteliers from Marazion in Cornwall had lost their appeal against their conviction on a charge of discrimination when, because of their deeply held religious beliefs, they declined to allow a gay couple to share a room. So it seems that deeply held christian beliefs in a country that has been predominantly christian for 2,000 years come a poor second to `human rights,` the definition of which is becoming as absurd as that for our old friends health and safety.

Then there was another appeal decision which decreed that local councils cannot include prayers on the agenda for their meetings - yet another slap in the face of another centuries old tradition inflicted by yet another vociferous minority. The daft thing is that it seems perfectly legal for local councils to say their prayers before meetings so long as they don`t formalise it by putting it on their agendas; and in any event the introduction of the Government`s localism legislation is likely to mean that local councils can make their own minds up about things like this anyway, so the court case really was a lot of fuss about nothing.

As Harry Redknapp might say, "Should never have been brought to court." And yet it was only a couple of days ago that we learned of yet another extremist Muslim cleric who shouldn`t be in this country anyway and who cannot be deported as he might be tried in his home country and convicted on evidence that might have been obtained through torture. So we have to live with this threat on our own streets and doubtless fork out a shedload of benefits to maintain his human rights and lifestyle.

Is it me or are there times when the law really is an ass? Beam me up, Scotty !!

2012-02-09T20:03:00.000Z

IS IT JUST ME ? - PART 2..

It`s almost as if the most important things going on in the world today relate to Harry Redknapp`s acquittal on charges of tax evasion, Fabio Capello`s resignation as England football manager, whether John Terry will ever play for England again and whether Redknapp or some other manager will succeed Capello and lead the England team into a glorious future.

And amid all the sound and fury that seems to be catapulting Redknapp into the poisoned chalice of FA headquarters a few things are perhaps being overlooked. For example, there were doubts about the way he took over from Billy Bonds as West Ham manager, an episode that caused a distant relationship with West Ham legend Trevor Brooking who is now, as Sir Trevor, the FA`s Director of Football Development. A role reversal with interesting possibilities. After seven years at West Ham, Redknapp fell out with his Chairman who was uneasy about Redknapp`s personal involvement in the 134 transfers that took place during that period.

In his management of other clubs it seems pretty clear that his stewardship of Bournemouth led them to the brink of financial meltdown; when he left Portsmouth they were also in dire financial straits, from which they have never recovered; his short time at Southampton led them to relegation and it is only at Tottenham, where money seems to grow on trees, that any real success has begun to materialise. But even at Tottenham scarcely a day goes by without a report of the club being `interested` in yet another player and the merry-go-round of Redknapp inspired transfers never seems to stop. Except when he was at Southampton, where despite the prospect of relegation turning into reality, the chairman at the time would have none of it.

Now, something that emerged from yesterday`s courtroom acquittal was the business of Mr. Redknapp having a contract at Portsmouth by which he pocketed a percentage of the `added value` of players being sold on at a profit and this makes me wonder whether the England job, where no transfer dealings take place, is as attractive to `Arry as his other jobs have been.

But in the end, it comes down to what the FA expect of the England manager. Winning games is important, but so too is the way the manager represents not just the Football Association but also the country. And my Corinthian mind suggests that we might do a little better than someone with a checkered history and modest success who confesses on oath to be the most disorganised person in the world, can`t write, can`t spell, doesn`t know what an e-mail is and can`t work a computer.

Is it just me, or does anyone else hope the Football Association, admirably led by the urbane David Bernstein, will look elsewhere?

2012-02-08T19:34:00.002Z

IS IT JUST ME ?

So yesterday was the 200th anniversary of Charles Dickens` birth. And didn`t we know it with endless references on television and radio, services in Westminster Abbey and other places of worship, a succession of worthies standing up, giving readings and reminding us all just how fantastic Dickens was. All of which might be true, although I suspect that, like one of this country`s other literary giants Thomas Hardy, another side of Dickens will emerge and disappoint when I get around to reading Claire Tomalin`s Dickens biography.

I guess there are two reasons why I`ve never been a great fan of Dickens and his works. The first, quite unfairly, is that he was born in Portsmouth although to be fair to that troubled city it`s a bit short of claims to fame. One might be the fact that Nelson`s flagship, Victory, is permanently parked there along with the Mary Rose - it`s all very nautical you see - and another is its football club, which is really a claim to infamy, so you can`t really blame Portsmouth for going on about Dickens being born there even if he left at the age of two.

The second reason is that, when I was at school back in the dark ages, I was forced to read some of Dickens` stuff, along with Victor Hugo, George Eliot and other rib tickling authors. Now I hate being forced to do anything and maybe it was that enforcement that made me regard Dickens` novels as dull, boring, heavy going and very contrived. I didn`t like them much and it`s always been a source of surprise to me that, having been fed on that kind of literary diet, I nevertheless managed to pass English Literature exams.

So they may be they are the reasons why I found little to get excited about with yesterday`s gushing memorials and I whilst I realise I might be in a minority of one, I do wonder if it really is just me.

2012-02-07T17:46:00.000Z

A SPOOKY COINCIDENCE..

A couple of posts ago, I celebrated the fact that 50 years ago on 4th February my National Service came to an end. Something happened that reminded me of an episode during my ten weeks `basic training` in Catterick Camp. (Why does the term `basic training` immediately conjur up visions of dogs being put through their paces?)

Anyway, the episode in question was the fact that, after about four weeks of training, we were given a 48 hour leave. Now, 48 hours wasn`t long enough in those days for me and some others to even attempt to get home and back in time to avoid the dire consequences of arriving late back in Catterick. So, I along with a fellow `trainee` - one Graham Pollard who hailed from Preston - decided to hitch hike our way across the north Yorkshire moors and see if we could get to the Lake District. Togged up in our army gear, we didn`t have too much trouble thumbing lifts and we made it as far as Ambleside, where we found Mrs. Miggins Comfy Guest House for the night.

It seemed to Graham and me that the only thing to do in Ambleside on a Saturday evening was to go to the one and only cinema. The film was `Carry on Sergeant,` the first in the long line of Carry On films. It wasn`t great and for us trying to escape our National Service for a few hours it wasn`t in the least bit funny. The Guardian`s London film critic, writing on its release in 1959, called it "one of those insular, quite unpretentious skylarks which not infrequently turn out to be goldmines." He was more easily pleased than we were, especially as our National Service up to that point was anything but an unpretentious skylark.

Next morning we said goodbye to Mrs. Miggins and, fortified by her full English, we began to thumb our way back to Catterick. Only this time, lifts were few and far between, so Graham rang his Dad in Preston who came and picked us up, treated us to a sumptuous meal in Sedburgh and got us back to camp in time.

And the spooky coincidence? Well, just a couple of days ago Channel 4 showed....`Carry On Sergeant.` In the 50 years since I last saw it, it was even less funny than when I saw it in Ambleside, but maybe it was just the memories it brought back that dulled my sense of humour.

2012-02-06T10:36:00.001Z

ODE TO JOY ?

I think it was last Thursday when the European Parliament backed a report calling for the EU logo to be worn on the shirts of teams and individuals competing in sporting contests across Europe. This would include the England football team being required to have the EU flag emblazoned on their shirts, as illustrated, as would rugby, cricket and other teams.

The report which contained this hare brained notion was `The European Dimension In Sport,` which having been approved by the EU Parliament will now be considered - and no doubt rubber-stamped - by the EU Commission. Among other recommendations, the report also suggests that the European flag should be flown at major international sporting events `on the EU territory.` It adds that sports should `consider the idea of having it displayed on the clothing of athletes from Member States alongside with the national flags,` although it is suggested that it should be voluntary and left to Member States and sports organisations to decide.

Well, I just hope that teams representing this country will not be subjected to this nonsense not only because it`s just plain daft but also, if complied with, it is yet another step along the way towards the European Superstate much coveted by our continental friends. This dream of theirs is once again illustrated by the report`s language when it refers to `events held on EU territory.` First I`ve heard of the EU having any `territory` but maybe I shouldn`t be surprised, for such is the blind ambition and out of touch presumption of the Brussels bureaucrats.

Not sure this is what we signed up to when we joined the Common Market all those years ago but it all makes me wonder just how long it will be before we have the spectacle of Wayne Rooney and his chums goose-stepping their way onto the Wembley pitch to the ironic strains of `Ode to Joy.`

2012-02-04T10:38:00.002Z

GOODBYE TO ALL THAT..

The picture above shows the entrance to Barker Barracks just outside Paderborn in Germany - BFPO 16 it was when I was there. The forbidding building is just one of a number of barrack blocks where I spent the vast majority of my 731 days of National Service.

But today is a special day for me, as I celebrate the fact that it was 50 years ago today that I finally said goodbye to all that, my conscripted service to crown and country at last at an end. The funny thing is that, whilst I will never forget the day long journey that took me to Catterick Camp on 4th February 1960, I can`t recall much about the day long journey that took me away from BFPO 16 and returned me back to civilian life on 4th February 1962. It might have been the remnants of an extended demob party that blurs my memory or the simple euphoria of recapturing my identity after relinquishing it to two years of good order and military discipline.

What I do remember very clearly is the `exit interview` I had the day before with the regiment`s commanding officer - an impressive and imposing colonel, who offered a number of inducements for me to sign on and become a regular soldier rather than a grudging conscript. For a fleeting second I may have been tempted by prospects of promotion and a life of ordered regularity but then it dawned on me that the fragrant Mrs. Snopper was waiting for me in her idyllic Kentish village, along with the inviting prospect of controlling my own destiny rather than have the army control it for me.

So I declined gracefully but with genuine gratitude for the experiences I had had - some memorably good, some indescribably awful - the fortitude and resilience I had been forced to develop, the skills I had learnt and the friends I had made and would genuinely regret leaving behind.

What had started out with ten weeks of humiliating misery in the wilds of north Yorkshire had mellowed into being an almost agreeable routine in the depths of Germany - almost, but not quite. Did I have any regrets about it all? Well, I suppose I resented the conscription, especially those first few weeks of verbal abuse, pointless tasks and humiliating oppression but, having shrugged my shoulders and accepted that I had to do it, I found the National Service experience that I left 50 years ago today, was one never to be forgotten. If it had not been memorable, I wouldn`t have written this on today of all days.

2012-02-02T19:41:00.002Z

A MATTER OF CONVENIENCE ?

There`s an old saying that `justice delayed is justice denied` and so questions have rightly been asked following the decision to delay England captain John Terry`s court appearance on a charge of racial abuse against Queens Park Rangers` defender Anton Ferdinand until 9th July - just after the final of this year`s European Championships. The most pertinent question is why the delay?

Now of course there must be a presumption of innocence until proven guilty and although on the one hand the delay may be seen as convenient for Mr. Terry, it has put the Football Association in a difficult position. It`s all very well Mr. Terry insisting that he will not relinquish the England captaincy, as this might be seen as an admission of guilt, but the FA may feel that retaining him as captain might be so `sensitive` that they feel they should relinquish it for him by suspending him until his trial is over. Either way, it`s fraught with difficulties and repercussions.

Surely the sensible thing would be to press for an earlier trial date so that the matter can be resolved without further delay. That way, everyone will know the verdict well in advance of the Championships and either adjustments will have to be made to the England line-up or Mr. Terry can go into the fray with the shadow of uncertainty lifted from his shoulders. I would have thought that even he, or even especially he, would want the matter cleared up as soon as possible.

Football is having a bad enough press as it is without the wheels of justice grinding so slowly as to encourage conspiracy theories concerning the convenience or otherwise of this delay. As things stand, it doesn`t look right and things that don`t look right seldom are.

UPDATE : Last night I included this in the piece above:-
`the FA may feel that retaining him as captain might be so `sensitive` that they feel they should relinquish it for him.....`
Seemed to work a treat !!

2012-02-01T21:03:00.000Z

ASK A SILLY QUESTION..

Prime Minister`s Questions should really be about concentrating on the most urgent, pressing and important issues facing the country - the economy, the Eurozone crisis, relationships with European `partners,` the Falklands question, the threat posed by Iran, the plight of the growing number of unemployed, care for the elderly, the state of the NHS and so on. Now to be fair, some of these issues were touched on today but it took an intervention from Portsmouth North MP, Penny Mordaunt, to demonstrate once again the Commons` collective penchant for trivialisation.

Her prepared and rehearsed exchange with Prime Minister David Cameron went like this:-

Penny Mordaunt : "If a local supermarket closes down another quickly opens and takes its place. If Portsmouth Football Club closes down the Pompey fans will not be content with buying their season tickets from Southampton. Will the Prime Minister add his voice to mine in calling for Her Majesty`s Revenue and Customs to meet with the club so it recoups the taxes it is owed, so that our club survives and that the fans have their chance to become its owner?"

Mr Cameron replied: "I will certainly do that and I think she's absolutely right to raise this issue. Knowing one or two Pompey fans I can certainly understand the idea that they could go and support Southampton is completely incredible and we must do everything we can to keep this friendly rivalry going."Now you might be forgiven for thinking that this is just a bit of local politicing by the fragrant Ms. Mordaunt, ever keen to show her constituents that she`s on their side. But here we have a football club who have already been in administration with debts of £20million, a new company formed just two years ago from the ashes of that experience, a succession of highly unfit and clearly improper owners, a club that spent money it didn`t have on players it couldn`t afford and whose parent company went into administration just two months ago.HMRC have been remarkably patient in attempting to recover the £1.6million it is owed in unpaid taxes and so they have issued the club with a Winding Up Petition to be heard in court in three weeks time. I think it`s time the Penny Mordaunts of this world realised that professional football clubs are not special cases - they are businesses with responsibilities and liabilities to be met just like any other business - and that to clutter up PMQs with plaintive cries to get the Prime Minister involved in lost causes shows a worrying disregard for the real problems facing her constituents - like the 3,000 job losses in Portsmouth Dockyard.But Cameron`s right about one thing - the notion that Portsmouth fans would ever switch their allegiance to the Saints is not only incredible but laughingly so. But I wonder who told him that the rivalry is `friendly.`

2012-01-31T16:15:00.002Z

IT`S THAT DAY AGAIN..

Yes, another transfer deadline day, when the airwaves are full of gossip, speculation and the occasional glimmer of truth. Sky are probably at it non-stop with reporters scattered around the country, lurking outside training grounds in the hope of glimpsing unlikely arrivals and departures.

Now it might be `interesting` for footy fans and I confess to a smidgen of satisfaction that the Saints have managed to secure the services of Billy Sharp from Doncaster Rovers. And yet the whole business is more reminiscent of a livestock auction, with players being traded seemingly at the whim of their clubs and, more probably, their agents. I`m not going to feel too sorry for the way in which players in the higher reaches of the game are moved around - at least they have the comfortable cushion of the ridiculous amounts of money they`ll be getting.

But have a look further down the football pyramid, where players are traded, some times against their wishes, in order to keep a club afloat and where the sums of money involved -even in the Alice-in-Wonderland world of professional football - can best be described as modest. And if they have families then the upheaval at almost no notice can be upsetting, disturbing, even traumatic.

Surely there has to be a better way but I suspect it will only come with the introduction of a more sensible and sensitive transfer system, the imposition of radical curbs on the activities of agents and more stringent limits placed on the expenditure by the clubs themselves. Maybe then we will no longer have the unsavoury spectacle of transfer deadline day`s livestock auction.

(Hang on - there`s another pig flying over my roof.)

2012-01-30T10:39:00.001Z

AN OBVIOUS SUCCESSION..

There are renewed reports leaking out of Madrid that former Chelsea and current Real Madrid manager Jose Mourhino still retains a hankering to succeed `Sir` Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. It seems that both Ferguson and Mourhino enjoy a friendship and are in regular contact with each other, presumably on the basis that it takes one to know one.

Indeed, it`s also understood that Ferguson has long since anointed the self-styled `special one` as his preferred successor at Old Trafford, when Ferguson finally decides to retire. I guess the only snag for Mourhino is that Ferguson seems intent on staying put for the next few years in a desperate attempt to secure a third European Championship, but hope springs eternal.

Now the above contain at least two examples of the arrogance that Ferguson displays - he will decide when he goes and he will decide who succeeds him. Shouldn`t be surprised really as it goes with the territory. And yet there is something fairly obvious about this succession should it come to pass. Indeed, if Manchester United are after a smooth regime transition then they could do worse than let Mourhino fulfill his long held dream.

Outside of Manchester, with the probable exception of the foothills of Surrey and Hertfordshire and despite a long and successful history, Manchester United are held in general dislike, not to say contempt, for the manner in which they conduct themselves - with an unfailing arrogance, an attitude of entitlement and disregard towards officials and administrators. All of which are likely to be perpetuated if the club act on Ferguson`s advice and appoint Mourhino, in which case, it will be difficult to escape the notion that they deserve each other.

2012-01-27T16:11:00.002Z

JUST THE MAN ?..

It`s only Day Four of the court proceedings involving football manager Harry Redknapp and football chairman Milan Mandaric and there`s every prospect of another couple of weeks of these fols-de-rol before the jury returns its verdict on the tax evasion charges brought against both men.
It would clearly be wrong to speculate over the outcome, so I won`t. However, what has emerged already is an insight into Mr.Redknapp`s character. Here are just a few of the pronouncements he has made so far in the trial at Southwark Crown Court:-

`I have a big problem, I can`t write so I don`t keep anything. I`m the most disorganised person and I`m ashamed to say in the world. I can`t work a computer, I don`t know what an e-mail is, I can`t, I`ve never sent a fax and I`ve never sent a text message.`

“Malcolm Webber [Redknapp’s accountant] runs my life, he writes the cheques for me and my wife. I have never wrote a letter in my life. I write like a two year-old and I can’t spell. You talk to anyone at the football club, I don’t write, I couldn't even fill a teamsheet in.”

I said I don’t want their money,” Redknapp told police. “Tell them to give it to the youth football in Portsmouth. So I’m not going to be involved in a tax fiddle in Monaco, it’s impossible. Why was I going to fiddle £20,000 to £30,000 when I walked away from £200,000 of their money. I don’t need to fiddle.”

‘Do me a favour – I tried to nick 30 grand to save on income tax by having money paid offshore? What a load of b******s.

‘Do I need 30 ****ing grand, do I need that, Rob? I mean ****ing do I need 30 grand?`

And doubtless more examples will be forthcoming as the days go by. Now unless I`ve been misinformed, Mr. Redknapp is the leading candidate for the job as next England manager once £6million a year Fabio Capello leaves after the upcoming European Championships. And it might be an old fashioned notion, but I recall the days of yore when the manager of the England football team was chosen, at least in part, for his ability to represent the country in a dignified, intelligent and restrained manner - Walter Winterbottom, Ron Greenwood, Sir Alf Ramsey are just three who spring to mind having fulfilled that criterion.

Now it may well be that, in pure football terms, Mr. Redknapp is eminently qualified for the role. However, judging by his court `performance` to date dignity, intelligence and restraint seem to be in short supply and so the Football Association may be encouraged to think again about his candidacy. On the other hand, he may be just the man as he clearly has the qualities to move seamlessly into an England dressing room where he will feel quite at home. F`sure.

2012-01-27T10:17:00.000Z

STRANGE LOGIC..

It`s reported today in our local `newspaper,` the Kent Messenger, that parking fines collected by the local council totalled more than £200,000 last year. This eye watering sum was the result of 8,680 parking tickets being issued to drivers across the council`s area.

Believe it or not, this is actually a reduction in revenue from the previous year, when close on £220,000 was collected. Back in 2010 over £240,000 was collected from 8,731 tickets issued. Now the local council employs no less than ten enforcement officers and two supervisors to enforce the council`s own parking restrictions and fines are set at £50 or £70 depending on the nature of the parking offence. OK, there`s a 50% reduction if the fine is paid withing 14 days but it`s still a pretty hefty fine.

Now up steps the ubiquitous `council spokesman,` who said, "The money raised from parking fines goes towards meeting some of the costs of running the parking enforcement service." Note just `some of the costs.` So it`s a deeply unpopular `service` that costs money and I wonder if it has ever occurred to the council that if they did away with the parking fines there would be no need for all ten of the expensive enforcement officers and their supervisors.

Seems to me that sometimes councils impose fines just because they can, leaving the council taxpayers to pay for this kind of folly and then pay again if the folly is transgressed. Sounds like a strange kind of logic to me.

2012-01-26T10:27:00.002Z

SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT..

It`s been a while since I rambled on about football, which is odd really as the Saints are still in the automatic promotion spots, having just been replaced after four months at the top of the Championship by West Ham. But a recent stuttering run of just two wins from seven games has exposed the fragility of the playing squad. Injuries and suspensions have deprived the Saints of at least six regular first choice players and that, coupled with a pretty alarming loss of form and confidence, has brought questions about the strength, depth and determination of the club in its quest for promotion back to the Premier League.

But it`s a relative thing. As the saying goes, "If at the start of the season you`d have told me we`d be right up there come January, I`d have bitten your hand off." Expectations might be high at the moment - perhaps too high - but Southampton supporters need to remind themselves where their club was a couple of years ago - on the very edge of liquidation with the very real prospect of going out of business. So any discomfort currently being felt about the faltering progress towards a second successive promotion might well be misplaced.

Contrast that with the situation confronting our fiercest rivals along the other end of the M27, where Portsmouth find themselves on the very edge of liquidation with the very real prospect of going out of business (where have I heard that before?) A succession of fantasy owners, some real, some wholly imaginary, along with a `unique` financial policy in recent years, has resulted in Her Majesty`s Revenue and Customs serving a Winding Up Petition on the latest reincarnation of the club over unpaid taxes amounting to £1.6million. There are other large debts outstanding and the prospects for survival look grim.

And so we see the supporters of these two south coast football clubs feeling discomfort for very different reasons - Southampton for having a blip in their upward progress, Portsmouth for having real fears for their very survival. I suspect I know which set of supporters has the more legitimate cause for their discomfort.

2012-01-23T10:26:00.000Z

MIND HOW YOU GO..

I see that serial buffoon `Lord` Prescott is considering standing as Police Commissioner in his native Humberside. The Commissioners will be elected to office as part of the Tory flagship policy of making the police more accountable. It might all be very laudable but frankly if people like Prescott are going to be in charge of policing the we`d all better mind how we go. I`m not too sure that, like elected Mayors, the idea of elected Police Commissioners is one that will be taken too seriously by the electorate. After all, wasn`t it in Middlesbrough or some similar northern outpost where a monkey was elected Mayor?

Anyway, I imagine that Prescott is busy rehearsing his routine and trying desperately not to mangle the English language too much. "Sorry, sir, but you can`t park there." "I must ask you to move along." "Nothing to see here." And all the usual police phrases could take on a whole new meaning once Prescott gets hold of them - if he ever does.

But, like donors to the Royal Yacht appeal, I again have to question the motives behind Prescott`s latest ambition. He may claim he has a wealth of experience in public office and that he will bring a `personality` to the role although his past record of assorted misdemeanors, such as punching bystanders, might go against him. But I suspect he might be attracted by the £100,000 salary to go with the £350 a day he can trouser as a member of the House of Lords so as to maintain the lifestyle befitting one steeped in socialist traditions.

There`s always been something of the Les Dawson about Prescott. In a way they were both actors - Dawson an honest intelligent man playing the fool, Prescott a fool trying desperately to appear honest and intelligent. I suggest the good folk of Humberside deserve better.

2012-01-21T10:49:00.002Z

NOT AMUSED...

Now don`t get me wrong. After 60 years in a job anyone deserves a bit of recognition, so I have no problem with marking the Queen`s diamond jubilee this year. But the hair brained notion that a grateful nation should present her majesty with a brand spanking new royal yacht is just plain daft.

Without being unkind, at their respective ages of 85 and 90, I`m not sure a life on the ocean wave would be good for the royal couple`s wellbeing and you have to ask whether, by the time the yacht is completed, the Queen and Prince Philip will be able to appreciate it as much as they did the old one.

But what I find at least bordering on the offensive is the suggestion that the £80million cost of building the yacht should be borne by public subscription. The Government has made it pretty clear that Government money (ie. taxpayers cash) will not be used for this project. Instead, an appeal is being launched and already well heeled Tory Peer Lord Ashcroft has promised £5million and there are reports that Canadian businessmen are to pledge another £10million. As for the remaining £65million, the business community and the general public will be expected to cough up - and no-one has yet mentioned the running costs.

So, I`m curious as to the motives as to why people should fork out. Of course, there will always be the genuine royalphiles who are seriously moonstruck but there might well be others whose motives are less clear. Do some hope to seek some sort of redemption and do others feel that maybe there might be something in it for them if they are shown to be supportive? The odd gong perchance? Who knows?

But if the royal family are so keen on having a new yacht then surely it is within their means to pay for one - flog off the odd crown jewel, put Sandringham on the market, put up the already extortionate price of Duchy Originals. But please don`t ask me to cough up as I am seriously not amused by the whole business.

2012-01-18T10:00:00.000Z

QUINTESSENTIAL..

Barney and I are continuing our afternoon explorations of nearby villages and the other day we stopped off at Offham, which is two or three miles from home. Barney had had his walkies in the woods so he didn`t mind wandering around the village on our way home.

Now, when my parents and I first moved to this part of Kent well over 50 years ago, the first place I wanted to visit was Offham. In those days, like today, I was fascinated by books about the English countryside and I remember having one or two published just after the war by the then Odhams Press. One was called `Romantic Britain` and had a photograph of Offham Green with its unique quintain post and it was this that encouraged me to visit Offham for the first time all those years ago. The photo above is one I took the other day and it`s pretty obvious that not much has changed.

The quintain is a wooden post on the village green, six foot high with a freely revolving arm on the top. One end of the arm is flat and from the other hangs a heavy object, normally a heavy bag of sand. In the age of chivalry the horseman rode as fast as he could at the quintain with his lance extended and the idea was to strike the flat end (or eye) and gallop on before the heavy arm swung round, hit the competitor on the head and knocked him to the ground.

`Tilting the ring` was a popular tournament sport and gave rise to the term `full tilt,` as unless you went at it full tilt, then the bag of sand would win the contest. Shades of Monty Python`s Fish Slapping Dance one might think. On the other hand there is something quintessentially English about Offham, with its village green and its unique reminder of the days of Merrie England. It`s well worth a visit.

2012-01-17T19:57:00.000Z

Had he lived, today my father would have been 99. As it turned out for him, he died of a massive heart attack whilst having a shave in the bathroom at the age of just 62. It`s all of 37 years ago now but something else that makes today one to remember is that my mother always used to say that, when my father`s birthday comes around, we can begin to see the evenings reappearing. And it`s true - the daylight hangs around for a while longer and each day we can see a difference.

But I also reflect on the life my father had and it wasn`t easy. He was the second son of parents who ran a small local bakery and village shop in a hamlet on the Berkshire/Hampshire border. He had done well at school but the family business was so small that it couldn`t sustain another son being brought into it.

So my father either volunteered or it was volunteered for him that he should go off to become a boy soldier and join up at the Chepstow army training school. The army became his life - he served for almost 20 years, five of which were spent in the notorious German Prisoner of War Camp Stalag V111B at Lamsdorf in the Silesia area Poland. He didn`t talk about it much, as old soldiers seldom do, but I know it was pretty brutal.

In January 1945, as the Soviet armies resumed their offensive and advanced into Germany, many of the prisoners were marched westward in groups of 200 to 300 in what became known as the death march. Many of them died from the bitter cold and exhaustion. The lucky ones got far enough to the west to be liberated by the American army. My father was one of the `lucky ones.`

He was discharged from the army in October 1945 "ceasing to fulfill army physical requirements," as his Certificate of Discharge records. Hardly surprising and he was forever after left with constant nervousness, unable to relax, living on his nerves and the proverbial knife edge and it was this wartime legacy, I`m sure, that led to his early and untimely passing.

It seems to me that, for all the grumbles I may have, my life has been pretty much plain sailing compared to the trials, tribulations and life changing experiences my father suffered, mostly in silence. And so I look back on this day and remember my old Dad and wish more than anything that his life could have been half as blessed as my own has been and that the light might have shone on him for a little longer.

2012-01-16T10:40:00.000Z

PAINFUL VIEWING..

Yes, I know I should get a life and not loaf around on a Sunday watching wall-to-wall football matches on television, but yesterday was a chance for me as a Saints fan to see what might have been. What made the viewing a bit painful was seeing the number of players who had `graduated` from Southampton`s Academy and were now playing starring roles in the Premier League.

The lunchtime kick-off saw Newcastle United beat Queens Park Rangers 1-0 with the winning goal scored by Leon Best and the Newcastle back four included Mike Williamson. (Incidentally the managers of each team also had Saints connections with new QPR gaffer Mark Hughes having played for Southampton and Newcastle boss Alan Pardew having managed the Saints.)

The afternoon game was between Arsenal and newly promoted Swansea City. The man of the match was Swans` very own pacy flanker Nathan Dyer with another former Academy player in Gary Monk on the bench. For Arsenal, Theo Walcott scored a sublime equaliser for the Gunners before Swansea secured a 3-2 win seconds later. Alex Oxlade Chamberlain was introduced by Arsene Wenger late in the game, which brought the total of former Saints Academy players in just those two games to no less than six.

Saturday night`s Match of the Day included highlights from the Premier League games which featured Gareth Bale playing for Spurs and Andrew Surman scoring again in Norwich City`s win at West Brom. Seeing these players brought back memories of the dark days of Administration - Andrew Surman, for example, never wanted to leave his home town club but such were Southampton`s financial problems at the time that he was more or less forced into the transfer to Wolves before settling in at Norwich.

So I watched those games and thought, "if only." The present Academy is beginning to flourish once more with another crop of talented youngsters providing a bright prospect for the future.....providing also, of course, that the vultures from the high echelons of the Premier League don`t swoop yet again. Already they`re circling around, so I may be in for some more painful viewing before too long.

Ah well, c`est la vie, to be fair.

2012-01-13T10:40:00.004Z

LIFE`S LITTLE IRONIES..

Sorry to go back to the business of Scottish independence but it`s rapidly becoming the debate of choice with questions, prejudices and paradoxes growing by the day. But in all of this, yet another of life`s little ironies has emerged.

It seems that Prime Minister David Cameron (which sounds a bit Scottish) is demanding an early, decisive, yes/no referendum on Scottish independence whilst at the same time, like those other Scottish Prime Ministers Blair and Brown, refusing an early, decisive, yes/no referendum on the UK`s membership of the European Union.

In a desperate attempt to escape, I`m off to the beach.....but I may not entirely escape the irony:-

2012-01-11T17:46:00.000Z

THIS YEAR`S HEADLINES ?

I moan quite a lot about the BBC but it does have some redeeming features, mainly the documentaries it produces on BBC 4 and the Horizon series on BBC 2.

I watched the Horizon Special programme about CERN`s Large Hadron Collider and the search being conducted for the Higgs Boson - the elusive `God Particle,` as the press will have it. It`s fascinating stuff and there`s no doubt that enormous progress has been made in narrowing down the area where the Higgs might finally been confirmed. This is an example of how the progress has been hailed in the press:-

"WE MAY HAVE GLIMPSED THE HIGGS BOSON," SAY CERN SCIENTISTS

Physicists have seen strong hints the Higgs boson exists but a firm discovery may not come before the end of 2012......

Now I know I shouldn`t trivialise something as important as the search to confirmthe existence (or not) of something that might be responsible for giving mass to everything in the universe, without which nothing including ourselves would be here today. But the truth is that any triviality comes not from the scientists at CERN, nor from the subject of their research, but from the way in which these things are reported.

All of which reminds me of headlines I`ve come across in the past, most especially in provincial newspapers. For example - `PEDESTRIAN ALMOST HIT BY CYCLIST` was a headline in the Isle of Wight County Press (`Black and White and Read all over`.) And in truth "We may have glimpsed the Higgs Boson" is really about another near miss.

But I`m looking forward to later in the year when CERN might announce whether the Higgs exists or not. If it is proven to exist then the headlines will no doubt shout "GOD PARTICLE CONFIRMED." If not, then perhaps "BOFFINS BACK TO SQUARE ONE" might be the headline. In the meantime, I`m still waiting for the one headline that has so far eluded me - "MARIE CELESTE DOCKS AT LIVERPOOL."

2012-01-10T17:19:00.001Z

TO ASK OR NOT TO ASK -

THAT IS THE QUESTION..

As if there wasn`t enough fuss going on anyway, we now have a lot of fuss about the referendum on Scottish independence from the United Kingdom. In the blue corner we have UK Prime Minister David Cameron using the powers of the Scotland Act of 1998 to dictate the timing and the wording of any referendum. In the other corner we have Scottish Nationalist Party leader and First Minister Alex Salmond saying that it`s no business of the UK Government to interfere with the referendum process north of the border.

It`s all about timing, positioning and preference with Cameron wanting a swift and clear decision one way or the other - a yes/no vote - but Salmond wanting to delay the vote until he thinks he might win it later in the parliamentary term and wanting to have a `maybe` option as well.

Now something in this whole business puzzles me. At the moment we have a United Kingdom comprising England, Scotland, Wales and Norther Ireland - all in it together, together as one, one big happy family. If one of those constituent parts wants to leave, then surely natural justice dictates that the other parts might want to have a say as to whether they are happy about that.

I see no suggestion that the good folk of England, Wales or Northern Ireland are going to be included in a referendum about Scottish independence but I think it`s pretty clear what the outcome might be if they were. For example, at the moment the Scots enjoy things like free home care for the elderly, free higher education, free public transport for pensioners and £400 per head more spent on them by the NHS than in England. And these things are not paid for by the taxes raised in Scotland while England also provide the subsidy for the higher rate of NHS spending.

So, if against this background a referendum were to be held tomorrow, I`m pretty sure the English would vote in favour of Scottish independence, as they are fed up with paying through the nose for those services enjoyed by the Scots but denied to themselves, whereas the canny Scots, realising they`re on to a good thing, would probably vote to stay within the United Kingdom, however disunited it might be.

Sometimes it`s better not to ask the question if you know you won`t like the answer.

2012-01-09T20:34:00.000Z

OK THEN....

Well that didn`t last long. Since I announced my `retirement` from these pages a few days ago, I`ve been inundated with a handful of requests to keep posting, so I`ll have another go.

I think the problem I had was one of despair really. Maybe it was the `festive season,` but I suspect it may have been that almost every day I see reports about things that make me despair at the state of the world. Well, the world`s fine - it`s just the people in it. As I look around, I see murders (14 over the Christmas and New Year period in the UK alone - so much for the season of goodwill,) I see threats in the Middle East, uncertainty in the Far East, financial and political chaos in the Eurozone, poverty in Africa, futile loss of life in Afghanistan, tribal bloodshed in Iraq, oppression in Syria and it`s hard to find anywhere in the world where there isn`t some kind of crisis either looming or here already.

I think what compounded the felony was the American Presidential Primaries, which kicked off in Iowa last week. Seems the Republican Party may come up with a choice between a Barbie`s Ken lookalike from central casting and another one who seems bent on invading Iran if he gets the White House job. Now there is much to admire in America, but the selection of the leader of the western world ain`t one of them. We may have been lucky in the past with a few Presidents who have turned out to be presidential, but by and large they have been a pretty underwhelming bunch of power hungry egomaniacs who have either bought the job or been pitchforked into it.

And I`m not at all sure it`s any better over here where again and by and large our politicians are there to serve their own ends rather than the needs of those whom they represent. And you wonder why I get withdrawal symptoms. Anyway, I may have finally recognised that my rants are a release valve for me and my inner turmoil and so it might be good for me to rant away regardless. Well, you did ask for it.

2011-12-31T10:23:00.000Z

A QUIET REFLECTION..

So here we are on the last day of another year and I guess like most people I`m having a look back over 2011 - not at the shattering events that have changed the world (tsunamis, economic meltdown, the relentless march of war) but in a quiet way, looking back at things that stand out for me personally.

Now, when I started this blog back in September 2006 following a visit to Chaddleworth with my eldest son, I stumbled into `designing` the layout. And I think there are probably three things in that design which say a lot about me. The first is the image of Godrevy island off the north coast of Cornwall, which tells you straight away about my affection for that mystic land.

The second is my `username,` which is in fact a nickname given to me by my boyhood school friend, William Scammell, now sadly departed after a distinguished career as a poet, critic and biographer. He and I spent our formative years in that `village by the sea` of Hythe on the western shore of Southampton Water.....and it was only a couple of weeks ago that I was back there again also with my eldest son and my grandaughter.

The third element of my `design` was the quotation from Robert Browning - `Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.` And it`s on that note that I come to reflect on the year just gone. You see, I`m not at all sure it can get much better - we had no less than three visits to mystic Cornwall; we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary and we have been blessed by the arrival of our fifth grandchild.

More prosaically, until last night, the Saints went the whole year undefeated at St. Mary`s Stadium; I revelled in the cricket season and already I`m longing for the return of the sun and the sainted game; and I`m also looking forward to resuming my endless battle with the Royal and Ancient mystery of golf.

But most of all, I`m just grateful to be able to do these things and to enjoy life and its simple but satisfying pleasures. I know I`m blessed, very lucky, and I have friends who are less fortunate than myself and for whom I hope 2012 will be much kinder. As for me, as I look back to 2011 in what is now my 73rd year, I realise just what a good year it has been and how right Robert Browning was when he wrote those prophetic lines.

Happy New Year.....and I hope the best is yet to be for you too.

2011-12-30T10:17:00.000Z

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS ?

There`s a lot of stuff around right now about Margaret Thatcher. There`s the film `The Iron Lady` which I haven`t seen yet so I`m in no position to comment, but by all accounts Meryl Streep gives yet another in her long line of outstanding performances. And today there are Cabinet papers released under the 30-year rule, by which events during Thatcher`s stint as Prime Minister become public knowledge for the first time. I haven`t read them yet so again I am in no position to comment.

But what these references have brought back are the memories of that day when Margaret Thatcher finally left office, kissed goodbye to 10 Downing Street and exited stage right. It`s a day I recall quite vividly. I was in the office at work when the news came through. Now, I have never taken politics very seriously - it`s just too bizarre for that - and so my reaction on that day was nothing to do with politics.

Instead, my reaction was one of instant relief, as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I still don`t really know why, but I felt the kind of relief when the full time whistle is blown after a classic encounter and the three points are finally secure. Like the day when James Beattie nodded home in the 86th minute to secure Saints 1-0 win over Manchester United to go fourth in the Premier League. A day that brought a warm glow of contentment that still lives in the memory and lifts the spirit.

Now on a human level I hope in a way that the Iron Lady is left in peace as she lives out her final years and it`s certainly not for me to pass any sort of judgement on her time in office or on her as a person - once again, I`m in no position to do so, although it always surprises me how many people do feel qualified to comment. But I can`t escape the notion that the one thing I will remember her for was that feeling of relief I felt on that memorable day. And I wonder if that feeling was in any way mutual.

2011-12-27T21:43:00.000Z

YOU AIN`T GOT NOTHIN`..

Well, that was Christmas for another year and I`ve often been quoted as saying that the best thing about Christmas is January. You see, there are things about Christmas that I find objectionable; I object to the rampant commercialism, the panic buying, the fear that if you don`t send someone a Christmas card they won`t love you any more, the awful television programmes, the strange kick-off times, `decorating` the place with all kinds of tat just because it`s Christmas....you get my drift.

Even the counterfeit nature of `good will to all men` has taken a battering with the news that there was a fight that turned into a full blown riot among the congregation attending a midnight mass at a Southampton church. Chairs were thrown across the aisle, punches were also thrown, chaos reigned and the police arrested three men aged 24, 27 and 31 and charged them with affray.....will these Portsmouth fans stop at nothing? Have they no shame?

And then into my festive cynicism comes our new one month old baby grandson and his proud and doting parents....and then we are joined by our two grandaughters and their proud and doting parents.....and then we hear from the proud and doting parents of our grandsons who live in Germany.....and suddenly the joy of family becomes the joy of Christmas. And it all reminds me (as if I needed reminding) that if you ain`t got family, you ain`t got nothin`.

I hope your Christmas was as wonderful as mine.

2011-12-23T10:20:00.001Z

A PRIZE WORTH WINNING?

The football club I have supported since 1946, Southampton, are sitting pretty at the moment. No money worries, a good squad of players, a bright manager, a lovely stadium, an ambitious chairman, good support and at Christmas standing top of the Championship. Tradition has it that the team that finds itself top of the league at Christmas invariably gets promoted at the end of the season. If that happens, Southampton will return to the top flight of English football where they were for 27 seasons before falling on the hard times from which they have only now recovered. All sounds good doesn`t it?

And yet. And yet I`ve been observing the Barclays Premier League - the self-styled `best league in the world` - and I`m not at all sure that`s a club I`m looking forward to joining. The antics both on and off the field of play seem to belong to a wholly different culture to the one I`ve been used to during Southampton`s `wilderness years` in the Championship and League One.

I may not have been treated to the most technically gifted football but instead I`ve witnessed honest endeavour. I`ve watched a team which includes talent emerging from the club`s own Academy with only a smattering of overseas players to boost the ranks - at the moment, we have a Frenchman in midfield who has been with us for years and an enigmatic Brazilian who may not be. The rest are, by and large, competent, committed professionals doing their best to achieve the glittering prize of promotion that most people crave.

Trouble is, joining the Barclays Premier League is like joining a pantomime. A lavish production, a product to be sold worldwide where the audience become more customers than supporters. Where clubs become the whimsical playthings of the rich and richer, where players become millionaires and adopt attitudes that demand entitlement and privilege rather than the well earned admiration of home town fans. And where a selection of managers adopt personae ranging from the absurd to the insufferable.

There are exceptions to this prejudicial rant, of course, but they`re few and far between. I could cite the essential decency of, say, Roberto Martinez at Wigan, the genuine advancement and acceptability of recently promoted Norwich City and Swansea and the rather niceness of West Bromwich Albion and their urbane manager Roy Hodgson.

But for every Martinez there`s a Ferguson, for every Swansea there`s a Manchester City, for every Hodgson there`s a Pulis, for whom football is a war to be prosecuted by size, brawn and unremitting aggression. There are haves and have nots, heroes and villains, the good, the bad and most certainly the ugly.

I might stand accused of a lack of ambition for my club, but I see little reward in struggling to survive in a league that has taken the beautiful game to avaricious extremes, where the pressure to survive can be debilitating for managers, players and fans alike - Blackburn Rovers anyone? And so, whilst my club may be on course to rejoin the circus at the end of the season, something within me wonders if it is a prize worth winning. That`s not being defeatist or fearful so much as simply exercising a choice.

2011-12-20T10:41:00.001Z

MOVING UP..

From Our Golf Correspondent

As a result of yesterday`s dramatic turn of events, Snopper today finds himself one place higher in the world all time golf rankings. The passing of North Korea`s Infinitely Wonderful Leader, Kim Jong-Il, has in fact seen everyone move up a notch, leaving Luke Donald as the undisputed number one in world golf.

The Astonishing Being who ruled North Korea for quite a long time was, of course and without question, the greatest golfer the world has ever seen, having carded a 30-under par score of 38 on the 18 hole Pyongyang course, including 11 holes in one, the very first and last time he ever played the game. There`s no question about the authenticity of this remarkable feat as it was witnessed by the 11 security guards who accompanied him on that memorable day and has been officially documented ever since.

The Fantastically Brilliant North Korean Leader was also, of course, naturally gifted at classical music, having composed six operas in two years, mainly to celebrate the completion of hydro-electric dam projects. But I expect that the memories of Mozart, Rossini, Wagner and all the other great operatic composers may still trail in the wake of Kim Jong-Il`s unforgettable achievements, for while golf can be seen as a transient pastime, music can be immortal, certainly when written by such genius as he who graced North Korea for so long.

And so the world of music, like that of golf, finds itself in deep mourning at the loss of such a towering figure and it seems deeply unsatisfactory that lesser mortals should now find themselves advanced in their respective orders of merit simply because of this awful loss. But it was the only way that Snopper was ever going to be able to climb the golfing ladder from being stuck on the bottom rung to now achieving total obscurity.

I`ll end with just one fact to illustrate the point of this ramble. It has taken Snopper well over 30 years to record just two birdies in all that time. His Amazingness the Great Leader gets 11 holes in one on the only game he ever played. But I wonder who enjoyed it most.

2011-12-17T10:06:00.000Z

THE BEST POLICY ?..

The marble halls of Kent County Council`s Maidstone edifice have been rife with rumours about the departure of its £197,000 a year `Managing Director,` Katherine Kerswell. A statement from Kent County Council said: "Katherine Kerswell has done an exceptional job at Kent reshaping our approach to service delivery and recasting our overall management arrangements. She is a first-rate public servant with tremendous skills at making large organisations work well. Her management direction has helped produce very significant savings to the Council and confirmed Kent's position as a leading authority. In just 18 months we have shifted from an approach that was highly departmental to one based on the whole organisation working together for the people of Kent."

A glowing reference if ever I saw one, even if it is in `council/management speak,` and therefore all the more surprising that if Mrs. Kerswell was as good at her job as the statement suggests then surely the council would want to hang on to such talent.

Now it seems to me that large public organisations quite often run the risk of becoming too insular. In times of difficulty they have a tendency to close ranks, to adopt a siege mentality, to try and hide the realities from those, like me, who pay through our taxes for their very existence. And so, once again, Kent County Council, despite the praise heaped on the now departed Mrs. Kerswell, are not allowing those who pay the piper to hear the tune being played and so doubts remain as to the nature of her departure and the reasons why she leaves clutching a cheque to the value of a reported £450,000 of taxpayers` cash.

In the aftermath, the `Leader` of the Council, one Councillor Paul Carter, is fleeing the country as he takes three weeks off to take part in a vintage car rally from London to Cape Town. Everyone deserves a holiday, of course, as he says himself, but we are left wondering who, if anyone, is left holding the County Council fort, taking the ultimate responsibility for this huge organisation at a critical time. My fear is that Councillor Carter will be in constant touch with Maidstone as he hurtles through the seering Sahara and the African bush thus assuming some kind of `control` himself. It all sounds a bit desperate.

He should keep his eye on the road and perhaps reflect on the notion that one of the things the good council taxpayers might appreciate more than anything is a little honesty.The very existence of a `confidentiality agreement` suggests that someone has something to hide, something we are not allowed to know about, I suspect because someone might be embarrassed.

And so our suspicion grows, not just of the circumstances but also of those involved with such cloaks and daggers. Time to open the windows of County Hall, let some light and fresh air into the place not only so the taxpayers can look in but also so that the Paul Carters of this world might see a little more of those whom they claim to represent......and probably feel so much better for doing so.

I know we`re dealing with politicians here but there are times, even for them, when honesty might well be the best policy.

2011-12-15T16:55:00.000Z

A TRAIL OF COINCIDENCE..

About a week ago, we went to Maidstone. Mrs. Snopper went off shopping and, as I frequently do, I went to the Oxfam Bookshop at the bottom of Gabriel`s Hill. It`s an excellent bookshop and I usually manage to find something interesting. I bought a few books to keep me going - a history of a Kentish village about a mile from where I live; an illustrated volume depicting the life and work of John Betjemann: a guide book to the Island of Mull for a friend of mine who is a Mullophile despite living on the Isle of Wight: and last but no means least a biography of John Arlott, written by his son, Tim Arlott and published in 1994.

On Sunday I drove down to Southampton with my eldest son to meet up with his daughter at Southampton University. We decided to go the pretty way, down the A31 to Guildford, across the Hog`s Back, past Farnham, Alton, Four Marks and Ropley and, on another of my whims, I eschewed the by-pass to drive through Alresford on the quiet Sunday morning. It`s a lovely old town, quintessentially English and steeped in a history of its own. As we passed, I pointed out the house, pictured above, where John Arlott lived for 20 years before he spent the last years of his life on Alderney.

Last night, on the excellent BBC 4, there was a re-edited conversation between John Arlott and Mike Brearley, originally broadcast in 1984 and broadcast again last night to mark John Arlott`s passing 20 years ago yesterday . It made for a nostalgic, charming hour and recalled Arlott`s principle role in bringing Basil D`Oliviera to England all those years ago. It was poignant, of course, not only for the fact that D`Oliviera himself left us only recently but also to recall Arlott`s mastery of language, almost poetic description, his delivery with that inimitable Hampshire burr and recalling the quite remarkable way in which he drew the line on his years of cricket commentary : "....and after Trevor Bailey, it will be Christopher Martin-Jenkins."

Even John Arlott had heroes and his greatest hero of all was Sir Jack Hobbs. Arlott had developed a close friendship with Hobbs, who ran a sports shop in Fleet Street after his retirement from cricket. Arlott`s admiration and respect led him to establish the Master's Club to honour the great man's birthday, on December 16. Membership of the club has increased over the years and the annual lunch is now held in the Long Room at The Oval. Members of the Master`s Club meet for lunch every year either on, or close to, Hobbs' December 16 birthday and, in keeping with tradition, the lunch always consists of Sir Jack’s favourite meal of roast lamb followed by apple pie.

So, what started out as a visit to the Oxfam Bookshop has developed into a trail of coincidence centred around the subject of just one of the books I bought a week ago. It`s a far cry from the Oxfam Bookshop to the Long Room at The Oval but as I write here on 15th December, I`m acutely reminded that 20 years ago yesterday one of cricket`s great personalities left us and that 129 years ago tomorrow, England`s greatest ever batsman was born.

2011-12-14T11:47:00.001Z

TRANSPORT OF DELIGHT ?

This coming Sunday, Southampton Football Club are playing Portsmouth Football Club at the latter`s medieval tumbledown Fratton Park. It`s a pretty rare event, the clubs having managed to avoid playing each other too often, which is just as well given the deep seated rivalry which exists between them and, more particularly, their supporters.

There have been problems in the past with fans from both clubs clashing and so these fixtures attract more than usual attention from the Police and other authorities. That said, the measures being put in place for this Sunday, as well as the return fixture when Portsmouth play at Southampton`s St. Mary`s Stadium next April, are unprecedented.

It`s one thing to get a ticket for Sunday`s encounter but quite another to actually make the 17 mile journey from Southampton to Portsmouth down the M27. This will involve the Southampton fans travelling in a convoy of coaches with police escort along the route. Aircraft will be flying overhead to monitor the situation, 8ft high barricades will be erected at the entrance to side streets close to Fratton Park and once in the ground the visiting fans will be strictly supervised by 50 of their own stewards.

The Southampton players will be made to leave their training ground at Marchwood early and be escorted to Portsmouth by four motorcycle outriders from neighbouring Thames Valley Police.
The Police Commander in charge says that the intelligence received suggests that these measures, costing hundreds of thousands of pounds, may be necessary but that he hopes the visiting supporters will "have a safe and enjoyable day out."

In many ways this whole business is a microcosm of today`s society - loads of money, police time and resources being thrown at an event, this time for people who want to travel to an event which basically consists of 22 players running around a field trying to kick a pig`s bladder into opposing goals, such that any sense of priority or restraint is forgotten in a desperate quest to acquire bragging rights.

This game is not about the football any more; it`s more about those who follow it for varying reasons, one of which might be as simple yet sad as trying to achieve the dubious distinction of having a rivalry that outdoes Manchester, Glasgow, LIverpool and the rest. At which point, I lose interest.

2011-12-12T18:59:00.001Z

WHAT IF ?..

The short, cold, wet days of December are not the best for visiting interesting places but yesterday I went to Southampton with my eldest son, where we picked up his daughter, my grandaughter, from University, had a nice lunch and then wondered what we might do in the remaining hour or two until darkness fell.

In the late 1940s, I lived with my parents at Hythe on the western shore of Southampton Water. My father worked for BOAC at their flying boat maintenance base at Hythe and we lived in a cottage with a garden that went down to the sea. I don`t know how he managed it but my father bought a car - a black Ford Popular (I think they were all black in those days) and I can even remember the car`s registration - CHY 624, which indicated that its first home had been in Bristol.

Anyway, on Sunday afternoons in high summer, we used to go for little rides either to seaside places such as Bournemouth or around the New Forest and I vividly recall that when I was about eight we drove to see the Rufus Stone, deep in the forest off the main A31 road from Southampton to Ringwood. In those days the roads were very quiet and the forest seemed very mysterious to a small boy and I remember being almost spellbound by the significance of the Rufus Stone and the tale it told.

Years later, when my own sons were very young, we took them to see it too and at that time, possibly 40 years ago now, the location still retained its air of seclusion. Yesterday, I went back there again on a bit of a whim but also with the excuse that as my grandaughter is reading history at Southampton University then perhaps a visit to a historic location might be forgivable. Read all about the Rufus Stone here - http://www.new-forest-national-park.com/rufus-stone.html

So here we were on this cold, wet, drab winter`s afternoon just fleetingly visiting a place of historical significance and by no means doing it justice.... and a couple of things occurred to me. The first was the stark counterpoint between this historic location and the endless noise throbbing down the forest glade from the traffic on the A31 - ancient and modern almost coming to blows.

The second thought I had was to confirm the extent to which chance shapes people, lives and history itself. What if Sir Walter Tyrrell`s arrow had not glanced off that oak tree and struck King William dead all those 900 years ago? How different the history of England might have been and how different we all might now be as a result. If we would be here at all.

2011-12-10T10:04:00.001Z

GET IN..

Well, it`s another Saturday, so why not talk about football? Whilst most of the country is focusing today on David Cameron`s veto of the European treaty proposals, those of us who consider football to be the one true religion and the foremost concern of our politicians are viewing Cameron`s action in its proper context.

It seems obvious that the British veto has been quite properly used as a justifiable act of retaliation against the excesses of Johnny Foreigner who, in the past few months, has made life very difficult for the footballing nation. First there was the scandalous FIFA vote to announce the next hosts for World Cups which resulted in England`s flawless bid receiving just one vote - and that was the vote we cast for ourselves.

More recently, there has been the blatant relegation of both Manchester clubs to the Europa League and only yesterday Wayne Rooney`s three match ban from next year`s European Championships was reduced on appeal to two games, meaning that Rooney will now sadly be able to play in the last group game against Sweden, thus almost guaranteeing England`s elimination from the competition.

It`s against this background that David Cameron was left with no alternative but to veto the EU plans for greater fiscal union and sorting out the Eurozone crisis. Let`s hope that Jose Manuel Barroso and his eurofanatic chums get the message - you mess with England`s football at your peril. To be fair.

Nice one, Dave!

2011-12-08T10:09:00.001Z

CLOUDS OVER SURREY - SUNSHINE IN STOKE..

Manchester United`s exit from the Champions League last night has been greeted with dismay in the heartland of their support. And whilst the clouds of despair gather over Surrey this morning, large swathes of the nation are finding it difficult to hide their smirks of satisfaction, not to say relief, that Ferguson and his assorted poseurs will now be confined to turning out on Thursday evenings to `compete` in the Europa League - the BlueSquare Conference of European football.

I don`t know what it is about Manchester United that attracts so much disdain, but I suspect it might be a couple of things. One is their insufferable arrogance which seems to suggest that winning everything in sight is their God given right. Then there are their reactions to defeat, illustrated once again by `start striker` Wayne Rooney remonstrating with the match officials at the end of last night`s game with his usual sullen truculence.

Today, Rooney`s appeal against his dismissal and three match ban from next year`s European Championships will be heard at UEFA headquarters. He will be represented by a team of lawyers from the Football Association and Manchester United, who will seek to have the ban overturned or reduced to one or two matches. It`s yet another sign of that arrogance that almost demands that the rules which apply to others should not be applied to Manchester United, simply because of who they are.

And then there is Ferguson, who last night attended the obligatory press conference to give his verdict on United`s exit from "the best competition in the world." He complained about having to play on Thursday evenings in the Europa League, by implication suggesting that it is beneath Manchester United`s dignity to play the likes of Stoke City live on Channel 5. "It`s embarrassing," chirped Nani.

Ferguson`s mutterings are becoming less and less intelligible and once again the dignity of Manchester United`s stature is undermined by these recalcitrant mumblings rather than enhanced by any semblance of graciousness. And while the good folk of Surrey may fret at the decline of their heroes, they`re dancing in the streets of the Potteries now that Stoke City are competing in the Europa League for the very first time, which simply illustrates the difference of approach to those two impostors that are triumph and disaster. Sometimes, it seems, how you are is determined by who you are.

2011-12-07T19:39:00.001Z

ARGOS IT ?..

Our Golf Correspondent reports

It`s been over three months now since I last reported on Snopper`s golfing world. At that time, in late August, he had just recorded his second ever birdie and so it has perhaps been surprising that we haven`t heard more of his exploits since.

When I caught up with him to ask how his game was going, he said that he would have found it difficult to better that performance on that sunlit August day and so he has been engaged in other activities since. When quizzed as to what these might have been, he confessed to another holiday in Cornwall, the onset of the football season, family matters extending to the arrival of another grandchild but also to some difficulty in maintaining his golf equipment.

He has kept in touch with golf through his annual scavenging of local courses in the quest to stock up on his reserves of golf balls but he has so far declined to pick up a club in anger. But, with Christmas just 18 days away, Snopper thinks this might be the chance to put some of his eccentric equipment to right. Now, he is one of those rare people who seem to want nothing but need quite a lot and one of the things he needs is a new golf trolley.

The one he has been hauling around the course for the past, oh I would guess, 30 years was bought by Mrs. Snopper from Woolworths as a birthday present all those years ago. It`s done well, but in recent years has developed an annoying fault, namely, that the wheels keep falling off. In many ways, this problem mirrors that of Snopper`s golf, the wheels of which fall off with predictable regularity.

Having already invested in a golf bag from the Argos catalogue earlier this year, Snopper is reluctant to shell out even more wonga on a new trolley. But Christmas is around the corner and the lure of the Argos catalogue burns brightly once more with a seduction that may be hard to resist if he is to resume his endless battle with the Royal and Ancient game. As you can see from the picture above, he is at least making a determined effort at hint dropping and in 18 days time, we will know if it has worked.

2011-12-05T09:59:00.001Z

F`SURE ?

With £6million a year Fabio Capello declaring that he will leave his post as England Manager after next year`s European Championships, the search is on for his successor. There seems to be a growing clamour for the next manager to be English. Trouble is, there aren`t that many `suitable candidates` around. Roy Hodgson seems to have the experience, the ability and the diplomacy to be a leading candidate and that`s about it.

But, of course, there is always `arry Redknapp, the loveable rogue, the scamp of a thousand transfers who has a growing band of admirers pressing his case to the Football Association. Then again, he has those who may not be quite so convinced by his avuncular facade. They cite, with some suspicion, the circumstances in which he took over as West Ham manager from Billy Bonds. They are not seduced by his ducking and diving, his wheeling and dealing which gives the impression more of market trader than football manager.

Hardly a day goes by without Tottenham Hotspur being the subject of some transfer speculation. And this for a club currently riding high in the Premier League, with arguably the strongest squad of players in their history and a club for whom it is doubtful that even more player comings and goings can be a pressing matter. But that`s `arry - can`t stand still, can`t let the grass grow under his feet all the time there`s a deal to be done.

Those who remain unconvinced also recall the extraordinary juggling act he performed when managing Portsmouth, only to abandon them for bitter rivals Southampton, who he managed to get relegated from the Premier League before returning once again to his `spiritual home` at Fratton Park. There he contrived to effectively buy the 2008 FA Cup for Portsmouth with money and players the club couldn`t afford before the lure of White Hart Lane proved too strong for him and his faithful phalanx of assistants.

When he left Portsmouth for the second time they had a debt so huge that they eventually went into Administration and are still bearing the consequences of those years when money grew on trees and when the priorities of management were confined to dealing with player transfers and agents. And now there is the little matter of an upcoming court appearance early next year when `arry is up before the beak accused of tax evasion.

So it is against this background that the Football Association must consider whether `arry is to be the next manager of the national team. It`s a difficult choice. F`sure.

2011-12-03T10:00:00.001Z

AGENDA ITEM 1..

The row over prayers at Bideford Town Council meetings was heard in the High Court yesterday after the National Secular Society began judicial proceedings against the council after it twice voted to keep prayers on the agenda at the start of their meetings.

Bideford Town Council defended the action and were represented at the High Court hearing by Manchester firm Aughton Ainsworth which previously acted for the Cornish Christian bed and breakfast owners who refused to accommodate a gay couple. The legal action from the society was prompted by Bideford councillor and atheist Clive Bone, who twice failed to get the council to take prayers off its agenda.

It`s reported that the High Court`s decision may not be know for some months, which will keep the good folk of Bideford on a knife edge as they await the verdict.

Here in Dibley, we have no such problems. Rather than worrying too much about prayers before the Parish Council meetings, we tend to gather outside the village hall as our elected representatives leave and quietly mutter to ourselves, "God, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

2011-11-30T13:38:00.000Z

FIT AND PROPER ?..

As a dyed in the wool Southampton supporter, you might expect me to be enjoying the mayhem that has been surrounding Portsmouth Football Club for too long. The rivalry between the two cities and their respective football clubs goes back a long way, heightened by their proximity along the M27 and the fact that they now both compete in the Football League Championship.

Like my own club, Portsmouth have suffered the anguish of going into Administration, change of ownership and management as well as mixed fortunes on the field of play. The difference is that, whereas the Saints were probably fortunate to come under the benign ownership of the Liebherr family, Portsmouth have had a whole series of owners making up a bizarre cast of scamps, rascals and men of mystery.

These have included the son of an Israeli convicted of arms trafficking, a mysterious Hong Kong business man, a sheikh from the United Arab Emirates and another who may or may not have even existed. The latest, one Vladimir Antonov, has been arrested and released on bail for alleged fraudulent activity surrounding a bank he owns in Lithuania prior to his resignation as Portsmouth chairman yesterday.

My photo above shows Mr. John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood. He is shown with one of his minders resplendant in his matchday garb, so different from his weekday persona as a mild mannered bookseller in Petersfield. Mr. Westwood is clearly a devotee of his football club - he literally wears it on his engraved teeth - and he probably represents the pinnacle of the passionate support that Pompey have had over the years. Like all football clubs, Portsmouth have a devoted following and they deserve better than the traumas they have had to endure as this endless stream of dubious owners keep the door at Fratton Park continually revolving.

As a result of all this to-ing and fro-ing, there are obvious questions to be asked about the running of the club but there is an even more fundamental question which can only be answered by the football authorities and it`s this. How come that this collection of rogues, malcontents and chancers have seemingly passed the Fit and Proper Person test for football club ownership?

Maybe now, following this latest episode, the question might finally be addressed, especially as it seems likely the club will suffer a points deduction, if not an even worse fate as a result of serial mismanagement. And all the while Mr. Westwood, his minders, his acolytes and the rest of the football club`s loyal followers can only guess at what the future may hold - or whether there is a future at all.

As for me, I hope there is, as I know how I felt when the future of the Saints was uncertain and for their sake I hope a secure future can finally be found for the Fratton Park faithful. After all, what`s the point of a rivalry if there`s no rival any more.

2011-11-29T19:47:00.001Z

THE PLOT THICKENS..

Yet more dark rumblings coming out of Brussels with the latest Merkosy Plan to force countries in the 17-strong Eurozone to submit their budgets for EU approval before they go to national parliaments. They will also be required to sign up to new rules on the size of debts and deficits and will be sued by the European Court of Justice for any breach of those rules.

Now, the exorbitant and self-serving antics of the EU are nothing new to these pages, however, the notion of submitting budgets for approval to an organization whose very own auditors have refused to sign off their own accounts for 18 years, is exactly the kind of thing that brings bureaucracy a bad name. Makes me wonder what jack-booting plot will be next.

2011-11-26T09:30:00.001Z

`OH YES HE DID`..

This alarming image shows former MP and Prisons Minister Ann Widdecombe in rehearsal for the upcoming panotmime season at Dartford`s Orchard Theatre.   Widdecombe will play Widdy in Waiting, the long-suffering servant of the Wicked Queen, played by Strictly’s acid-tongued judge Craig Revel Horwood in a camped up version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.   My mind has been duly boggled.

In a statement full of classic irony, Widdecombe is reported as confirming that she believes Prime Minister David Cameron deliberately denied her a seat in the House of Lords following her retirement as a Member of Parliament.   Miss Widdecombe told the BBC that, as she was an "obvious candidate" for a seat in the House of Lords, it was clear the PM had deliberately decided to exclude her.

Now, it`s one thing to have been a shrieking harridan as a Member of Parliament but quite another to turn to performing cringeworthy `appearances` on things like Strictly Come Dancing and now a pantomime to challenge the antics at Westminster.   In parts of mid Kent, where Widdecombe `represented` the good folk for so many years as their MP, it`s bordering on the sacrilegious to suggest that Widdecombe is anything other than Mother Teresa in disguise, but the reality for the rest of us is that she has become little more than a self-serving caricature, suffering from the delusion that she is popular, admired and talented.

And that delusion is clearly the one which convinces her that she should have been elevated to the peerage, to pick up her £300 a day allowance and sit alongside all the other self-serving caricatures who already form the cast of the Lords very own pantomime - Lord Prescott anyone?

Anyway, David Cameron saw it coming, so he would have nothing to do with Widdy and her wishful thinking.   I think he saw what most of the rest of us now see - a self-appointed national treasure turned into a national embarrassment suffering the advanced stages of delusions of adequacy.   Widdecombe may complain ( yet again) that Cameron didn`t see that she was the `obvious candidate` for a seat in the Lords.   Didn`t he? Oh yes he did.

2011-11-25T10:27:00.001Z

OLIVER`S ARMY..

Hugh Grant....Sienna Miller....Max Moseley....Charlotte Church.... Steve Coogan....Sheryl Gascoigne....JK Rowling (once rumoured to be buying Southampton FC)....even Gary Flitcroft (once rumoured to be a footballer.) The roll call of celebrities turning up at the Leveson Inquiry grows daily as the accusations of privacy being invaded by paparazzi, phone hacking and bin rifling become more widespread.

And all quizzed by a Queen`s Counsel looking suspiciously like Elvis Costello. I`m beginning to wonder whether I`m the only one in the entire country who has not been targetted for some kind of press intrusion. I could almost feel disappointed that I have not been the recipient of their attention.

On the other hand, I think I would rather be anywhere else but there today.

2011-11-22T11:30:00.000Z

COUNTING DOWN..

Self indulgence alert!!! The grey drab mists of November have finally descended on deepest Kent and on days like this, my mood seems to match the weather. So I feel a bit grey, drab and misty eyed this morning and my mind has once again gone back 50 years to the grey drab days of my National Service spent largely in the military outpost of Barker Barracks, Paderborn, West Germany - BFPO 16. The more recent photo above shows one of the main HQ blocks, where I spent a lot of my time and, beyond, one of the barrack blocks, in which I also spent much of my time. It looks much greener now than it did back then.

By 22nd November, 1961, I had completed 657 days of my conscripted 731 (one of the years was a leap year) and so I had `only` 74 days to go before being released back into a changed world. And by then my time in the 10th Royal Hussars had taken on something of a settled pattern. I had `got some in,` I had become a frighteningly efficient fighting unit, I had come to terms with `good order and military discipline` and I like to think I had become part of the fixture of the `Regimental family.`

So there was a danger, I suppose, that I was getting used to it, becoming a little comfortable with life, more confident in myself and my place in the military scheme of things. After all, I had reached the dizzy heights of substantive lance-corporal, my National Service weekly pay had, thanks to getting married, rocketed to something like 21/6d (£1.20.) I had successfully negotiated trials and tribulations such as that summer`s Guidon Parade for the presentation by the Duke of Gloucester of new regimental colours and a spell on Luneburg Heath where the regiment was practicing its gunnery techniques.

I had long since mastered my evening role as a projectionist in the AKC Globe Cinema which paid quite handsomely and so, as well as salting some of it away in readiness for my demob, it also allowed me to indulge in the liquid refreshment on offer at the nearby Fritz`s `restaurant` where, in good company, hours were whiled away consuming bowls of oxtail soup, lovingly prepared by Fritz`s comely daughters, and downing steins of Paderborner Export.

So life, despite its conscriptive nature and its military eccentricities, became passably agreeable, which is perhaps easier to recognise with the hindsight of these 50 years than ever it seemed at the time. But with 74 days remaining, my mind began more and more to think of being released back home to an uncertain future as opposed to the relative certainty of life with the Shiny Tenth.

At home, I imagined that the fragrant Mrs. Snopper was busying herself honing her wifely skills in readiness for my return - I was certain that advanced domestic science was engaging her as much as her work in the Solicitor`s office - and I was acutely aware that there was a whole world outside the confines of BFPO 16 that was waiting for me. What I didn`t know was just how much, in 74 days time, I would miss the company of good friends and, paradoxically, the strange security of regimental life and finally leave the 731 days behind knowing that I, along with the world, had changed forever.

2011-11-20T11:24:00.001Z

DANCING IN THE STREET (again)..

The happy smiling faces in Snopper Street reflect the fact that, once again, our three footy teams all won their games yesterday. Charlton went to Griffin Park - never an easy place to go to - and came away with all three points following a narrow 1-0 win over battling Brentford to see them stay five points clear at the top of League One.

It seems that Charlton manager Chrissy (The Legend) Powell may have lost his sense of timing though, as it wasn`t until four minutes into injury time at the end of the game that he sent on our street`s flying icon, Scott Wagstaff. Too late to deliver the much anticipated game changing cameo, Chrissy, but at least Scotty will get his appearance and win bonus. Won`t he?

My neighbour will be slightly pleased that his beloved Gills came away from the EBB Stadium in Aldershot - always a difficult place to go to - with another narrow victory, this time a 2-1 win over the Shots, with two first half goals from West Ham loanee Frank Nouble and Chris Whelpdale. A spirited fightback from the home side saw them narrow the Gills` advantage with an 81st minute strike but Andy Hessenthaler`s men held on to retain their place in the promotion hunt in League Two.

Meanwhile at St. Mary`s, the Saints extended their winning run to 20 home games with a resounding 3-0 romp against Brighton, who found that St. Mary`s is never an easy place to go to. So, like Charlton, Saints also stay five points clear at the top of their league - the nPower Championship - following a second half hat trick from Ricky Lambert Southampton`s Goal Machine (RLSGM) who has now notched 14 goals so far this season.

Snopper Street footy fans gear up to celebrate

As can be seen from the photo above, much dancing in Snopper Street is expected this morning where the inhabitants really know how to celebrate with modest restraint, in sharp contrast to the ebullient celebrations that greeted RLSGM`s goals at St. Mary`s yesterday. At other times and at other venues, such unconfined joy might have been heralded with cries such as `We can see you holding hands` or `Does your boyfriend know you`re here?` and in recent times such chants have given rise to a degree of discomfort for Brighton fans both at home and away. Of course, I could not possibly condone such discourtesy. Honest.

2011-11-18T14:29:00.001Z

PEACE IN OUR TIME ?..

There`s more to report on the Parish Council front. Hard on the heels of organizing `events,` they have also recently taken a shine to invoking obscure bits of legislation. It`s almost as if they`ve just discovered that there are bits of legislation designed so that parish councils can impose their will on the local community.

The new(ish) `older children`s` play area is quite big, with large swathes of grass and inviting hillocks and even a small wood - ideal for dogs to have a good time. But the parish council are advertising their intention to ban dogs - even those on leads and under the control of responsible owners and it seems even those who are blind and deaf - from the whole of this sizeable area, along with banning them from another smaller childrens play area a little way away.

The same area also bears the threat of dire consequences for anyone caught drinking, causing a nuisance or `refusing to leave having been ordered to do so by an authorised officer` under an even more obscure bit of legislation.

As an upstanding pillar of local society and a spinster of this parish, I haven`t got a problem with any of this as long as the parish council are doing it all for the right reasons, which are that these bits of law are being invoked in response to public demand or an identified need, as opposed to introducing them simply because they can and thereby massaging the egos of minor local officials.

Anyway, a local consultation period is under way and we have until the middle of December to lodge any comments with the parish council. In a way I hope it all goes through smoothly, as I imagine the parish council will want to organize a celebratory Christmas event when the chairman returns home from his European mission, brandishing a piece of paper in his hand, bearing the seal of approval from our friends in Berlin and Brussels.

Oh what fun we have when democracy rules.

2011-11-16T10:44:00.001Z

CHECK THIS OUT..

Our village Parish Council seem to be developing a penchant for organising `events.` They did a few in the summer centred around the opening of the new(ish) kiddies playground , they organised something around bonfire night and now they`re advertising a family shindig for New Year`s Eve in the village hall at a knockdown £35 for a family of four. Well, I guess they have to spend our money on something but they really should be looking for sponsorship .

I wonder what the chances are of them applying to Tesco`s to pay for the long awaited Parish Straight Pride extravaganza?

2011-11-14T09:15:00.001Z

SHE`S HAVING A LAUGH..

It was in May 2009 that this country`s first female Muslim peer, Baroness Uddin, was exposed as being the biggest expenses cheat among a host of fiddling MPs and peers. It was subsequently established that she had cheated the taxpayer out of £125,000 by claiming that a tiny flat in downtown Maidstone was her designated main residence, although there was little evidence that she had ever visited there. This enabled her to claim £147 a night whilst all the time she was living in her Housing Association family home in Wapping, paying a heavily subsidised rent of £104 a week.

The upshot was that she was found guilty, banned from the House of Lords until April next year and ordered to repay the aforementioned £125,000. Now despite owning three properties with her husband she is claiming not to be able to repay the money and it seems the Lords authorities have no power to prevent her resuming her seat in the Lords at the end of her suspension.

A ruling by the committee for privileges and conduct in the Lords reckons it would be illegal to require her to repay the £125,000 as a condition of returning to the House and the committee is concerned that such a condition would amount to a permanent ban which would infringe her right as a peer to be called to the House at the start of a parliament. My reaction is - so what?

But there`s more. There is now the prospect that the Baroness might use her tax free daily allowance of £300 to repay her debt. If so, and if she assiduously turns up at the Lords and claims her daily allowance, then theoretically she could repay the outstanding amount in about three years. If that happens, then the most ludicrous and unacceptable situation of all in this sorry case would be that the taxpayers would be paying her daily allowance so that she could repay the taxpayers what she owes them.

Here`s a thought. Issue her with a statutory demand for repayment and if she doesn’t sell one of her three properties to repay the £125,000 she owes, then apply for her to be declared bankrupt. After that, apply for a restriction order. As a result, she will automatically be ineligible to sit in the House of Lords. Simples.

But frankly, something really ought to be done to stop the self-serving Uddins of this world from being allowed to get away with stunts like the one she has already pulled and the one she might yet pull off. Better still, make sure in future that people like her should never ever be allowed anywhere near Westminster to have a laugh at the taxpayers` expense.

2011-11-13T15:46:00.001Z

Peter Roebuck batting against Glamorgan in 1986.

HIGHS AND LOWS..

It`s turning out to be a curiously mixed sporting weekend. Hard on the heels of the Rugby Union fiasco concerning the lack of discipline by England players at the recent World Cup in New Zealand, comes the depressing news that England head coach Martin Johnson feels he may have to resign. Sad on two counts. One because he is one of the most inspirational personalities available to England and two, because the things that happened out there were not of his making. Nonetheless he feels he must take the ultimate responsibility for what went on. I would have thought that English rugby is in a big enough mess without losing Martin Johnson as well.

Last night`s football saw an encouraging display by England in their 1-0 defeat of world champions Spain. The backs to the wall defending, especially of Phil Jagielka, Joleon Lescott and Scott Parker was reminiscent of Rorke`s Drift and it calls into question the need to recall the troubled John Terry for Tuesday evening`s joust with Sweden. But Fabio Capello knows what he`s doing. Doesn`t he?

I`ve just been watching our street`s hard working pacy wideman Scott Wagstaff playing for Charlton in their televised 4-0 FA Cup win away at Halifax and it was good to see the massed ranks of the Wagstaff family there in the Shay Stadium lending their support to the fleet footed flanker.

More disturbing was the news that one time Somerset cricket captain, Peter Roebuck, committed suicide by jumping from his sixth storey hotel window in Cape Town whilst being questioned by the South African police. Now of course, it`s always sad to learn of suicides, especially those involving those such as Roebuck, described today by Derek Pringle as a`driven and tortured soul.`

But cricket is no stranger to suicides, with well over a hundred players having taken their lives over the years. Some have been leading high profile players - Shrewsbury, Stoddart, Gimblett, Bairstow, Jack Iverson, Sidney Barnes, Jim Burke and now Roebuck. As a player he was good enough to score over 1,000 runs in each of nine seasons and to captain Somerset albeit with a bookish approach which always seemed a little out of tune with that county`s cider driven image.

He will perhaps be best remembered for the falling out with Ian Botham following his (Roebuck`s) decision not to renew the contracts of Viv Richards and Joel Garner. Botham left for Worcestershire and other ports of call and it took Somerset years to recover. It`s perhaps telling that the county ground at Taunton boasts the Sir Vivian Richards Gates and the Sir Ian Botham Stand. I wonder what they will do to remember Peter Roebuck.

2011-11-11T19:31:00.001Z

NOT AMUSED..

I`ve said a few times in these pages that football can learn a lot from rugby union. Total respect for referees and their assistants, sin bins, immediate on-field sanctions for dissent, after match citing, compulsory rest periods following concussion and so on. If football were to apply even half of those rules to itself then the game would undergo a transformation.

And yet there seems to be at least one area where rugby union lags behind and which has come to light with the sanctions dished out today to Mike Tindall. Now this is a player with 70 caps for England, a World Cup winner and a consistent performer both for Gloucester and for England over the years. In the recent World Cup tournament in New Zealand, however, Tindall was at the centre of a series of less than savoury incidents which brought the reputation and standing of the England team, both management and players, into disrepute. The players went on to do themselves no favours on the pitch and the management did no-one any favours by not taking the necessary disciplinary action immediately after the incidents took place.

What happened yesterday was that the Rugby Football Union finally decided on what action to take against Tindall, who was perceived as being the main protagonist in the offending incidents. The result was that Tindall`s contract as an England squad member has been immediately withdrawn and he has been fined £25,000 into the bargain, all of which would seem to bring an unfortunate end to what has been a distinguished England career.

Now football seems to have a fairly speedy process for dealing with disciplinary matters both on and off the field and until recently I imagined that rugby union had too. However, this business with Tindall has gone unresolved for weeks which is bad enough for all concerned. But what really makes it worse is the uncermonious way in which the sanctions have been applied.

Now I doubt anyone would have found the conduct of Tindall and a few of his team mates in any way acceptable and there`s no doubt that they deserved to have disciplinary action taken against them. Two of Tindall`s chums have received suspended fines of £5,000 each but Tindall`s fine and contract withdrawal seems almost dismissive, taking little account of the distinction of his career and the contribution he has made to English rugby.

No wonder he`s lodged an appeal. Strikes me that no-one is amused with this episode, including Tindall himself, certain members of the royal family and not forgetting the dwarfs, but those who should be least happy of all are the muddle headed Rugby Football Union who have spent far too long with a much too complicated process to produce their questionable verdict on something that should have been settled weeks ago in New Zealand. Wouldn`t happen at the Football Association, would it?

2011-11-09T20:46:00.001Z

A BIT MORE TO IT..

Bobby Moore, Billy Wright, Bryan Robson, Alf Ramsay, Alan Ball, Jimmy Armfield. Just a small selection of players who have captained England in the past 50 years. There are a lot more, of course, and as a Southampton fan I will never forget the time when we had no less than five England captains in the same team - Ball, Keegan, Shilton, Mills and Watson.

But it`s a singular honour betstowed on a small number of players who have represented their country at the highest level. Thinking back to the days of Wright, Moore, Armfield and others, I`m reminded of the fact that, certainly back then, to captain the team was more than just wearing an armband and tossing a coin. The captaincy was for those who would not just lead the team on the field of play but would also represent the team and the nation in the eyes of those countries we might be playing against and thus to a wider audience.

There were, in short, responsibilities to discharge on behalf of the nation towards the wider world, so the captain needed to have a presence about him, a certain bearing and be ever mindful not just of the honour he had been given but also the responsibilities that went with it.

More recently, those qualities have been conspicuous by their absence, none more so than in the `captaincy` of John Terry. Now, Mr. Terry seems to have run up a fairly lengthy charge sheet which includes episodes such as allegedly charging £10,000 for facilitating tours of Chelsea`s training ground and causing considerable disquiet over his involvement with Wayne Bridge`s erstwhile paramour. I won`t go into the latest controversy regarding the alleged issue of racism concerning Anton Ferdinand as the jury is currently out.

But even putting these issues to one side, it`s still difficult to recognise in John Terry the necessary presence, the respectful bearing and the selfless dignity of his more distinguished forebears so that he might discharge the responsibilities of captain of his country in a way that will garner respect amongst the football audience here and further afield.

Which is a pity, for however practiced Mr. Terry might be in the dark arts of central defending, he along with the Football Association and the expensive Signor Capello need to be reminded that there`s so much more to being a captain than wearing an armband and calling heads or tails.

2011-11-08T19:58:00.001Z

FIVE RINGED CIRCUS..

I`m getting a bit worried about next year`s Olympics in London. For all the satisfaction the nation may have felt at being `awarded` the Games and for all the pride that might be felt about the development of the Olympic Park in east London, there are some things around the edges of this event that are becoming annoying.

Now it`s normally just the little things that cause annoyance and they`re here in abundance.   The logo for a start - there it is shown above and although some visual dexterity makes it possible to make out 2012, I for one could have done with something a bit more straight forward, more graphically representative, less hard edged.   Then there was and still is the fiasco over the tickets for the opening and closing ceremonies as well as the events themselves, the felonies having been compounded by the news that something like £750,000 of British taxpayers` money has been spent by the powers that be in hoovering up 9,000 tickets so they can be handed out for free to a collection of politicians, `dignitaries,` foreign `guests` and assorted hangers on.   And we won`t be told who they are until after the Games have finished!

It`s always the same - those in privileged positions who can quite easily afford to buy their own tickets, travel, accommodation and hospitality get it all for free on the back of those who have no chance of getting tickets even if they could afford them.

Just recently we`ve had the unedifying spectacle of the Olympic posters being unveiled.   They rival the logo in their pretention, their artlessness and their crassness all in a vain attempt to appear `arty,` `trendy,` `challenging` - none of which is surprising when you see that the equine Tracey Emin is among the `artists` commissioned to produce this embarrassing drivel.   Where`s a seven year old when you need one?

The route of the Olympic flame has been revealed with much ceremony to lull us into believing that a journey to a nearby roadside to watch a flame on a stick being staggered along by some panting runner is the true symbol of the inclusiveness of the London Olympics for the whole of the country.   Sorry, forgive me if I don`t bother with that one.

But for all those gripes about things around the periphery of the main event, I suspect my biggest complaint, apart from the exhorbitant cost of it all, is likely to be the Games themselves.   The whole event has just got too big with competitions in obscure sports and the unavoidable doubt in my mind about what I might actually be watching.

Cricket has been outrageously tainted lately with betting scams to the extent that it might in future be difficult to determine, with any certainty, the validity of the spectacle.   In much the same way, I have long wondered whether Olympic sports are competitions between athletes or chemists and so I wish the whole thing would go back to basics, to the days long ago when the Olympic Games were just about running jumping and throwing things.   They won`t, of course, there`s too much money involved, too many egos to massage, too much corporateness, pomp and circumstance, all of which takes away so much from what used to be innocently enjoyable.   Fings really ain`t what they used to be. Perhaps they never were.

2011-11-07T10:16:00.000Z

POPPYCOCK..

So, FIFA have banned England players from wearing embroidered poppies on their shirts for the upcoming game against Spain at Wemberley on Saturday. Football’s governing body do not want to create a ‘provocative political precedent which would potentially cloud a future match because of historical difference.`

The England Football Association had their request for poppies to be sewn into England’s kit for Saturday’s match against the world champions declined by FIFA, to the dismay of war veterans and England’s governing body.

England`s £6million a year Manager Fabio Capello wore a poppy while watching Tottenham beat Fulham yesterday, so if he`s not bothered about it as an Italian, why should anyone else care? Also, Frankie Lamps, the player likely to captain England on Saturday in the absence of the troublesome John Terry, is apparently calling on FIFA to relax their ban.

However, a FIFA spokesperson has responded thus: ‘What would happen if England played Germany around the time of Remembrance Sunday, for example? The international aspect of the regulations gets overlooked when people want to feel it’s England against FIFA. But the rules are there in case political inference could potentially be far more provocative."

It seems the sanctions open to FIFA, if England defy their rules over this issue, include sending nasty letters to the players, fining the English FA and even expulsion from FIFA. Well, here`s a thought. If sticking poppies on shirts constitutes sticking two fingers up to FIFA then so what? It`s far more important for our football team to be seen to be supporting the nation`s proud remembrance in a way which is neither `political` nor `provocative` than it is to pander to the sensitivities of Herr Blatter and his questionable chums.

The solution for FIFA might be simple - just ban England from playing Germany any more. That way everybody wins !!

2011-11-05T10:31:00.003Z

SAYS IT ALL...

Went on the occasional pilgrimage to Bluewater Shopping Thingy a couple of days ago. Our visits usually consist of Mrs. Snopper going off with a steely determination to get what we came for, leaving me to pass the allotted time having a browse in the bookshops. I used to go and have a coffee but it`s got silly - the cups are enormous, the coffee`s awful and the price is exhorbitant; I`m guessing, but I suspect it`s one of those things one must `do` to be seen to be `doing` it, rather than for the enjoyment of the dubious`refreshment.`

Anyway, back to the books. Over the last few years there has been a sharp rise in the number of `biographies` and `autobiographies` of so-called celebrities, possibly to the detriment of those for whom such tomes are more justly warranted. There are, of course, biographies and biographies. But some of the most compelling are of figures either from history or modern times who have lived extraordinary lives or achieved great things. I have enjoyed and profited from reading the lives of, say, Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen, Harold Larwood John McDouall Stuart. Not every one`s cup of tea maybe but still infinitely more substantial than some of those currently on offer in the pre-Christmas bonanza.

And so it was with an air of shrugging resignation that I noticed the `authors` who were due to turn up at Waterstone`s in Bluewater to sign copies of their volumes for an expectant gaggle of admirers. The pneumatic Katie Price, whose claim to fame seems to be that she is, errr, Katie Price. The insolence that is James Corden, who is one of the ranks of modern day `comedians` who peddle the notion that if you are offensive and loud then you are automatically funny. Couldn`t be more wrong. And the third `author` billed to arrive is one Tinie Tempah. No, I`d never heard of him (or her) either.

Now it`s one thing for these and a whole host of other self-publicising nonentities to make a few bob on the back of their counterfeit status (and who can blame them for that) but it`s quite another to realise that they might actually represent the popular culture of modern day Britain. And even more sadly, those who will make the journey, queue up, buy the books, have them signed and go away thinking they have acquired something of value and with it some status of their own, says it all really about the way we are these days.

I`ve been told that Claire Tomalin has a new biography out - of Charles Dickens who, despite being born in Portsmouth, seems to fall well within the category of being both extraordinary and achieving great things. I quite expect to get far more from that than I ever will from the combined ghost written ramblings of Price, Corden, Tempah and the rest.

2011-11-02T16:42:00.002Z

A CALL TO HEAD OFFICE..

Not long after his surprise announcement calling for a referendum on the EU bailout package, it was reported that Greek Prime Minister George Papandreaou had been "summoned" to an emergency meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkosy, presumably so he could explain what on earth he thought he was doing. Cue the naughty step.

Now here`s a curious thing about Angela Merkel. In 1977, the then Angela Kasner married physics student Ulrich Merkel. The marriage ended in divorce in 1982. Her second and current husband is quantum chemist and professor Joachim Sauer who has largely remained out of the media spotlight. They first met in 1981, became partners later and married privately on 30 December 1998.

So why isn`t she Angela Sauer? One can only surmise it`s to avoid being labelled by certain sections of the tabloid press as Mrs. Sauerkraut? Sauerkraut can be eaten raw, which has many vitamins and minerals. However, if you are not used to the high amount of lacto-bacilli found in raw Sauerkraut, it can easily upset your stomach. So mind how you go, George.

2011-11-01T10:56:00.001Z

"Is it five referndums you think you`ll need, George, before you get the right answer?"

DEMOCRACY RULES?

History tells us that democracy was `invented` in ancient Greece. The word itself comes from the Greek word δημοκρατία (dēmokratía) "rule of the people", which in turn was coined from δῆμος (dêmos) "people" and κράτος (Kratos) "power", in the middle of the 5th-4th century BC. So we shouldn`t be surprised that Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou has announced a referendum on the EU proposals for tackling the Greek debt crisis. Papandreou told the Greek voters it was up to them to decide the country's fate. "We trust citizens, we believe in their judgment, we believe in their decision," he told Socialist party deputies. "In a few weeks the (EU) agreement will be a new loan contract... we must spell out if we are accepting it or if we are rejecting it."

Unlike some other EU countries I could name, it sounds to me like the principles of democracy might be alive and well in its country of origin and to that extent it should be welcomed. But it won`t be, of course. Already the markets are reacting negatively and the Eurozone leaders seem genuinely appalled by Papandreou`s announcement and are threatening all kinds of dire consequences - all such reactions predicated, of course, on the prophecy of the Greeks rejecting the EU bailout package, which may or may not be a foregone conclusion.

It might all depend on what the question is - "Do you want 50% of our debt to be wiped out?" might encourage an overwhelming vote in favour. But "How do you fancy years of grinding poverty brought about by the demands of other countries in the Eurozone?" - might find a different response. So it will be interesting to see what question the Greek people will be asked.....and that of itself is something of a test of the democratic process.

But if we are truly to live by the democratic rules, then elected politicians should not try to bend them just to come up with answers that might suit them but that might not suit the people who elected them - vide the Irish referendum fiasco, the Lisbon Treaty fiasco et al.

Now I know I`m naive, politically innocent and too simple minded to be taken seriously, but if it`s the case that a Greek referendum result, rejecting the Eurozone proposals, brings about their default and expulsion from the Eurozone and plunges the rest of the Western economies and the EU project into even greater uncertainty, then if democracy is to mean anything at all, then so be it. It may be a heavy price, but if the Greeks are willing to pay it, so too should the rest of us. Unless true democracy has already been abandoned, of course. Or was never here to begin with?

2011-10-29T09:25:00.001Z

PILGRIMS PROGRESS..

Well, it`s Saturday again, so why not write about football? On second thoughts, let`s just concentrate on the off-field events at Home Park, home of Plymouth Argyle. Two seasons ago, Argyle were mid-table in the Championship but so rapid has been their decline that they now sit uncomfortably at the foot of League Two, staring yet another relegation in the face.

Throughout that time, there have been comings and goings amongst those who `run the club` including the much travelled Peter Ridsdale, the much admired Peter Reid, a succession of would-be owners and a fraught Administrator in Brendan Guilfoyle. And throughout that time, players and staff have barely been paid their due - in fact, some backroom staff have not been properly paid for something like ten months.

It`s hard to contemplate a more depressing situation for a football club but one with which I and thousands more up and down the country, can appreciate. For Plymouth have not been alone in suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous administration - we at Southamnpton and at other clubs know what it`s like.

But it now looks as though Pilgrims fans can look forward to a brighter and more secure future thanks to James Brent, pictured above, who has finally succeeded in taking ownership of Argyle, paying off debts, paying players and staff and even presenting Peter Reid with a replica of the 1986 Cup Final runners-up medal he sold months ago to help pay wages and electricity bills.

Mild mannered Clark Kent lookalike Brent has a formidable business background in banking, hotels and other ventures and clearly has a keen business brain to bring to the travails of Home Park. He confesses to know little about football as such and only attended his first ever game a few short weeks ago. But he seems to have picked up on the importance of the football club to the city and the region, he seems in tune with the supporters and perhaps relishes the challenge of turning the club around from its current plight, back to more respectable times.

So I share the relief felt by Pilgrims fans today and hope they and their club have the brighter future that James Brent might bring. For this is proper football at a proper football club at a level with which `ordinary` folk can identify. It`s provincial, it`s local, it`s the source of pride and affection amongst football fans who are content to support clubs as far removed from the excesses of the Premier League as it`s possible to get.

I noticed today that whilst the national newspapers are full of the latest episodes of alleged misdemeanours by the latest collection of Premier League malcontents, nowhere could I find any reference to the good news that today is Plymouth Argyle. The priorities seem skewed in favour of sensation, myopic opinion and dreamworld speculation rather than the genuine good news down in Devon. Perhaps Clark Kent might change all that?

2011-10-26T10:06:00.000Z

"For the last time, George, if you don`t do as you`re told, we`ll have to invade you."

A MERRY MINUET..

It`s reported today that the last of America`s most powerful nuclear bombs has finally been dismantled after 50 years `service.` The B53 was capable of releasing nine megatons of energy - 600 times more than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima. It was so powerful that it was capable of inflicting lethal burns on anyone within 18 miles, destroying all buildings within nine miles and could even penetrate to 230 metres underground.

So, good riddance. But it did remind me of living through all those years ago when the threat of nuclear devastation was very real and the tensions and futility of MAD (mutually assured destruction) were only relieved by resorting to a kind of gallows humour. One of the best examples was the Merry Minuet, composed by Sheldon Harnick and popularised by the Kingston Trio. It went like this:-

They're rioting in Africa,they're starving in Spain.

There's hurricanes in Florida and Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls,
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles;
Italians hate Yugoslavs, the Yugoslavs hate the Dutch,
And I don't like anybody very much!

But we can be tranquil and "thankfill" and proud,
For man's been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud.
And we know for certain that some lovely day
Someone will set the spark off,
And we will all be blown away!

They're rioting in Africa,
There's strife in Iran.
What nature doesn't do to us
Will be done by our fellow man!

Whilst the prospect of nuclear annihilation may have diminished, there are threats of a different kind confronting the world today and I can`t escape the feeling that, as mankind continually fails to learn the lessons of history, an updated version of the Merry Minuet might be timely.

2011-10-24T09:56:00.001Z

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND POLITICIANS..

The `debate` in Parliament today is, of course, entirely academic, simply because the result of the vote at the end of it is a foregone conclusion. But once again any prospect of even discussing a referendum on Britain`s membership of the EU send politicians into paroxysms of panic.

Successive Prime Ministers - Thatcher, Major, Blair, Brown and now Cameron - have all promised a referendum in their pre-election manifestos which, years ago, used to mean something approaching a promise to the electorate to be honoured. Not any more.

And so today Cameron is coming the heavy with his back bench `rebels,` who aren`t really rebels anyway because they are simply seeking to keep faith with those pre-election manifesto promises; the Tory Whips are going around issuing dark threats in dark corners, a three-line whip is in place along with all the paraphernalia of heavy handed political persuasion. Simply to put the lid on a discussion that might lead to a non-binding vote in favour of doing what they said they would do.

All of the trite excuses are being trotted out - it`s not the priority at the moment - there are other more important things - it`s not the right time - and so on. All in the face of overwhelming opinion polls that show a large majority in favour of having a referendum now - the respected YouGov poll published today shows as many as 66% in favour, 20% against and the remaining 14% unfathomably seeming not to know.

Now, for me at least, the issue of the referendum itself is almost secondary to the wider concern that, if promises were made to have one and the vast majority of the electorate say they want one now, then it`s pretty clear that the political class are once more treating the electors with contempt, ignoring public opinion and failing to represent those they should be representing. And all because they are terrified of the answer the electorate might give. It really does come to something when elected representatives are terrified of the majority wishes of those whom they are supposed to represent.

And they wonder why they themselves are treated with the contempt they deserve by those like me who are tired of being lied to, tired of being taken for granted and, most disturbingly of all, tired of having our intelligence continually insulted. Time for another riot, I think.

2011-10-22T09:41:00.000Z

TRIAL AND ERROR ?

Well, it`s Saturday so why not write something about football? On second thoughts, why not write about the latest `news` to come out of the Boleyn Ground, where - in all seriousness, it seems - West Ham manager `Big Sam` Allardyce has offered El Hadji Diouf the chance of a trial with a view to offering him a contract if he can prove himself.

Now, professional football has many characters who are, shall we say, less than savoury. But Diouf is one of the most unsavoury ever to be let loose on a football pitch. In

March 2003, whilst playing for Liverpool, he was involved in an incident when he spat at fans during a televised UEFA Cup quarter-final against Celtic. His club fined him two weeks' wages, UEFA gave him a two-match ban and Diouf was charged with assault.

Whilst he was on loan at Bolton, Diouf was charged by the police for spitting at an 11-year-old Middlesbrough fan during a 1–1 draw in November 2004. Then, on 27 November 2004, Diouf spat in the face of a Portsmouth player. He was fined two weeks' wages by Bolton and was banned for three games by the FA after pleading guilty to a charge of improper conduct. The then Bolton manager, the aforementioned Big Sam Allardyce, later revealed that he had considered sending Diouf to see a sports psychologist.

On 20 September 2009, Diouf was questioned by police after allegations that he had made a racist slur to a ball boy during a match at Everton, telling him to "f*** off, white boy." Diouf defended his actions by saying that the ball-boy had thrown the ball to him "like a bone to a dog" and that Everton fans were racially abusing and throwing bananas at him; police found no evidence of this.

On 8 January 2011, following Blackburn's 1–0 win over Queens Park Rangers in the FA Cup third round, Diouf was accused of taunting QPR`s Jamie Mackie whilst the latter lay on the pitch injured with a broken leg.

The charge sheet just goes on an on with the above being just edited highlights. Despite all of which, `Big Sam` seems keen to bring Diouf to West Ham, even though the West Ham fans themselves have been subjected to Diouf`s penchant for spitting at paying customers as well as opponents. Allardyce believes that "as most of the fans have taken to him everywhere he`s been, they`ll love him" (at Upton Park.) "Dioufy is a quality player who West Ham fans will appreciate if they see him. Our relationship (Allardyce`s and Dioufy`s) is born out of respect for each other," he opines.

Now, I haven`t anything against West Ham as a club - they have a long and proud tradition and have contributed hugely to the footballing landscape of the nation - but something in my water suggests that the combination of Big Sam, his mate Dioufy and the style of play in prospect may not be to the liking of the Boleyn Ground faithful. Diouf may be on trial, but I sense yet another grave error of judgment may be just around the corner.

2011-10-21T08:40:00.002Z

OUCH !!

A confession. Despite having an uncle who was a National Hunt jockey, I know absolutely nothing about horse racing - the so called sport of kings. As for betting, I wouldn`t know how to place a bet even if I wanted to, which I don`t since my only foray into the gambling world was once to buy a lottery ticket. I didn`t win, so that was that. At least I was true to the family motto, `if at first you don`t succeed, give up.`

Anyway, I could not help but notice the furore going on about jockeys using the whip and the peculiar rule that apparently says that jockeys are allowed to use the whip `only` five times during the last furlong of a race. The matter seems unresolved and it left me wondering whether the rule means that horses can be whipped unmercifully until they reach the final furlong, after which jockeys have to ease up a bit.

In all my innocence of these things, I imagine also that my conclusion might also be shrugged aside as the ignorant ranting of the ill informed. But I did conclude that surely the way to stop the controversy is to ban the whip altogether. Simples?

2011-10-19T13:06:00.000Z

WAYS AND MEANS..

npower Championship Table - October 18 2011
Pos	Team	P	W	D	L	F	A	GD	Pts	Last 6
This is how the npower championship table looks this morning. And what a pretty sight for us Saints fans who have not experienced such highs since the days of beating Manchester United to go fourth in the Premier League all those years ago. What`s more, records keep tumbling - last night`s record crowd of 32,152 was the biggest since St. Mary`s Stadium opened ten years ago, Saints are having their best start to the season for what is now 52 years and the winning run of home games now extends to a record 17 in all competitions, the last defeat at St. Mary`s being against the aforementioned Manchester United in an FA Cup game in December 2010. Indeed, Southampton Football Club seems finally to be on the rise, with settled ownership, a talented manager, dedicated backroom staff and a hard working group of team players. Football, like life, is of course transient and no-one has any idea how long this euphoria will last, so please forgive me for enjoying it all while it does. It might not be for long. Now, some of my close neighbours and at least one of my very best friends are diehard West Ham United fans and so I will excercise restraint in my comments about the 1-0 defeat West Ham suffered at St. Mary`s last evening. But on last night`s evidence, there is a comparison to be drawn between the current West Ham and the much loved football academy of years gone by. West Ham`s current pornographic owners, their neanderthal manager and their primitive style of play which seems to rely on size and strength rather than anything resembling subtlety are all a far cry from the style, grace and elegance of the days of Ron Greenwood and John Lyall. Football is a results-driven business, of course, but there are ways of achieving results and there are means of projecting the image of a club. In the end, West Ham`s current persona may take them back to the Premier League which will obviously please their supporters. But I wonder how many of them might quietly wish for a different approach to restore their club`s affections amongst the wider football fraternity.
1	Southampton	12	8	2	2	27	13	14	26	11
2	West Ham United	12	6	3	3	22	11	11	21	8
3	Middlesbrough	12	5	6	1	14	8	6	21	7
4	Derby County	12	6	3	3	17	14	3	21	9
5	Crystal Palace	12	6	2	4	17	12	5	20	10
6	Ipswich Town	12	6	2	4	18	19	-1	20

2011-10-17T18:37:00.000Z

A STRIKING DECLINE..

I read today that the hobby of stamp collecting is having a sticky time. It seems the number belonging to Kidstamp - an organisation for young stamp collectors - has fallen from 100,000 in the 1990s to about 1,000 today, thanks to e-mails, texting and other forms of communication taking the place of snail mail.

Which is a pity, since I have long believed that the pace of life is dictated largely by the speed of communication available. For example, if over 100 years ago you sent a letter to Australia, then you could be pretty sure that you might get a reply some months later, whereas these days communication is just about instant, which can lead to instant decisions which are not always the best ones.

So I`m sorry to see the decline in stamp collecting and when I read about it this morning my mind went back 60 years or more to what, with 20-20 hindsight, seemed for me to be an idyllic boyhood at Hythe on the western shore of Southampton Water. I recalled that in those days, in comics like the Hotspur or the Rover, there were always tempting advertisements inviting you to send a 1/6 postal order to some mysterious PO Box, in return for which you would receive a package containing `assorted postage stamps from across the Empire.`

I squandered the odd 1/6 (7p) and so acquired not so much a collection, more a small gathering of stamps, but philately never really caught on in Hythe, as the rival attractions of phillumeny were more readily available. The small boys of the village (there were about five of us) used to comb the shoreline at low tide, especially after the great liners had either arrived or just left Southampton Docks - the Queen Elizabeth, Queen Mary, the Unions Castle liners and many more.

Our prizes were empty matchboxes, tossed overboard from those passing ships and washed ashore at the waters edge along the obviously named Shore Road - round about here:-

Shore Road, Hythe.

We built up quite a collection between us and all these years on I still have mine although the boxes have long since gone and just the labels remain, pressed into a scrapbook. In fact, as my phillumeny progressed, I have some complete sets that have never appeared on boxes, including a set of about 50 large sized ones on rice paper depicting scenes from the Hokkaido Road in Japan. But the most prized ones of all are those sea-washed and tar- stained from maritime destinations the world over - from South Africa thanks to the Union Castle ships, the USA, Scandinavia and even from Argentina.

I started off this ramble bemoaning the lack of interest in stamp collecting these days and I guess the same will happen to matchbox labels as smoking becomes more and more the territory of social outcasts and no-smoking zones are springing up everywhere, even, I imagine, on cruise ships.

In a wistful moment, I wondered whether my collection had any value and a quick gander at the Internet told me that, quite possibly, one or two of my treasures might fetch anything up to 70p at auction, which won`t change my life much, so they will remain as a tangible memory of those boyhood days when children were allowed to go off beachcombing without a health and safety care in the world.

2011-10-16T11:26:00.001Z

A DESERVING ACCOLADE..

It`s a rare event for a town or city in this country to be honoured with the prefix "Royal." There are only a handful of them - Windsor, Leamington, Tunbridge Wells along with some chunky London Boroughs like Greenwich, Kensington and Richmond. Most of those were as a direct result of royal patronage, but today has seen the addition of the small Wiltshire town of Wootton Bassett for quite different reasons.

The four years long association of Wootton Bassett with the repatriation of service personnel lost in middle east conflicts has come to an enforced end with the closure of nearby RAF Lyneham and the subsequent transfer of repatriation to RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire. Those four long years have seen 355 occasions when the town of Wootton Bassett, its townsfolk, bereaved relatives and service associations come together to pay respect to the heroic departed.

It seems to me that all the other `Royal` towns and boroughs became so for reasons so much less legitimate than this small town in Wiltshire. No-one asked them to do it, nothing was organised, but what we have had are 355 examples of the quiet dignity, the essential decency of ordinary folk wanting to do something to show their gratitude and sadness for the loss of life and to show their support and understanding to the grieving families and friends of those who gave their lives.

The story is well known now, so it doesn`t require me to add to it, but here is a brief reflection of the spontaneous beginnings, the steady growth and the essential Englishness that has seen Wootton Bassett become perhaps the most deserving of all the `Royal` towns and cities- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14691139

2011-10-15T20:11:00.001Z

Two Mr. Happys for the price of one. On the left is yours truly, looking duly smug as the Saints took a well deserved point away at Derby to maintain their place at the top of the Championship. It was their first draw of the season with Rickie Lambert Southampton`s Goal Machine (RLSGM) equalising a third minute strike from Rams Theo Robinson, thus putting RLSGM firmly in contention to take the place in the England set-up vacated by the rightful suspension of Wayne Rooney from international competition. Well, why not? After all, RLSGM is also a scouser, to be fair.

On the right is perhaps an image that captures the prevailing mood of my neighbour Mr. Slightly, whose Gillingham side made the long journey to the English Riviera and came away 5-2 winners against Torquay United at Plainmoor. I imagine he`s over the moon, on cloud nine but cursing the fact that only a bout of man flu prevented him treating Mrs. Slightly to a weekend on the sunny south coast to watch his heroes pull off a stirring victory, having been 2-0 up and pegged back to 2-2 before romping away with the points to raise them to ninth in the table.

So, they`re the only highs from today`s Snopper Street teams. And so we come to Mr. Bump and the Addicks of Charlton, who were also playing away, this time at Broadhall Way against Stevenage Borough, only recently elevated to League One.

Now the table topping Addicks had remained undefeated in the league this season, but they came down with a bump this afternoon, going down to the only goal of the game in a 1-0 defeat (to quote David Coleman.) Until a couple of games ago, Charlton had pretty much kept the same team but manager Chrissy (The Legend) Powell decided to make a few changes with the result that their fortunes have waned. One of his changes was to drop our local hero Scott (Buzzin Six-pack) Wagstaff to the bench, only to bring him on with just 17 minutes to go in the hope that his blistering pace might see him take on tiring leg weary defenders and turn the game in a game turning cameo.

Didn`t happen, I`m afraid, but maybe The Legend has learnt the lesson that you don`t change a winning team unless you have to, especially one that includes a pacy flanker of the quality of our street`s hard working gay icon who has already proved that he can ghost past defenders, reach the by-line and provide pin point crosses for onrushing strikers to plant the ball into the top corner beyond the despairing clutches of opposing custodians (to quote Herbert Marshall.)

2011-10-13T09:52:00.004Z

SCRUMPING - A LOSING BATTLE..

I sense a conspiracy. Over the years living in what used to be known as The Garden of England (it`s arguably now the Compost Heap thanks to motorways, high speed rail links, channel tunnels and a preponderance of urban sprawl, unacceptable ribbon development and overintensification of the use of development sites, to quote the planners) it used to be possible to live quite healthily on the discarded or unwanted vestiges of orchard crops.

Cherries, Victoria plums, assorted apples, both cooking and eating, conference pears, all used to be grown within a radius of a few miles from home and, always sticking to the official public footpaths, of course, I along with our successive golden retrievers, Barney being the latest, used to go on our walkies and were constantly surprised at how often various assorted fruits used to find their own way into a plastic carrier bag that I always had with me in case of emergencies.

I don`t think the farmers minded too much - after all, the percentage of fruit `lost` by this miracle of coincidence was almost incalculably small and, in any case given my keen eye for health and safety concerns, I always looked upon it as an excercise in helping to keep the public footpaths clear of unforseen underfoot hazards to passing pedestrians.

But in the last couple of years, things have changed. First the Victoria plums went, to be replaced by some twiggy looking young trees that have labels on them saying `Galaxy.` Then the Bramley apple orchards went, closely followed by the cherry orchard and already there are serried ranks of polytunnels springing up, presumably for growing`soft` fruit, such as the Wimbledon bound strawberries. The pears are still there - or at least they were until they were picked clean, leaving just a few non-EU conforming misshapen stragglers which aren`t too appealing to the discerning connoisseur. Beggars and choosers though.

It must be a sign of the times - farmers coming to the conclusion that the only way to stop plastic carrier bag carrying pedestrians legitimately using the public rights of way who just happened to coincide with the loss of a few bits of fruit, was to rip up the orchards and stick in polytunnels.

But the downside for us rambling dog walkers is that the bounties of the Kent countryside are declining just at the time when pensioners like myself are struggling to survive on a fixed income during the most severe economic climate since scrumping began.

I think I`m right about the conspiracy - where`s Captain Swing when you need him?

2011-10-12T18:42:00.000Z

I was heartened to read yesterday that years of painstaking research has drawn the conclusion that people are not now officially `old` until they have reached 75. It went on to suggest that these days 75 is the new 65. Well, suits me, as it means I have another three years to go before the dead hand of officialdom declares that I`m `old.`

Now I think in all fairness to what I am about to say I must confess to `having my moments.` They include such things as going upstairs for something but by the time I get up there I`ve forgotten what it was I came upstairs for. I also have the problem of always forgetting a face but never remembering a name. Even my own.

But whereas I might have reached the stage whereby I might be forgiven the odd mental lapse, the thing that is truly worrying is when you find evidence of `losing it` in those who are not only considerably younger but also expected to be a bit sharper than your average `senior.` And today there has been a sad example of someone in the public eye to whom that concern applies.

I refer to our old friend `Sir` Alexander Chapman Ferguson, CBE, manager of Manchester United, who has now given his verdict on the recent red card dismissal of his £200,000 a week superstar Wayne Rooney. "He's shown tremendous improvement in terms of his temperament, his reactions to being tackled and things like that over the last few years. As maturity comes along, then it brings other things. It brings the responsibility, which he is improving all the time."

Quite so. So, if Rooney`s petulant reaction in kicking a Montenegro defender up in the air, being dismissed and possibly banned for as many as three matches in next year`s European Cup Finals, is an example of his `tremendous improvement,` then I can only conclude that, sadly, Ferguson is once again showing signs of `losing it.` It would be a fitting conclusion - and not before time - if, like his predecessor Sir Matt Busby, he were to be elevated to the directorship upstairs. Provided, of course, that he knows why he is there when he gets there.

2011-10-10T13:14:00.000Z

DECLINING AND FALLING..

There`s a fine line between disappointment and embarrassment and between what is acceptable and what is not. This weekend has been one to forget as far as the sporting nation is concerned. And yet we forget it at our peril, for there are lessons to be learned, reviews to be undetaken and changes to be made.

I suppose it all began on Friday evening with Ingerland scraping a 2-2 draw away at Montenegro to secure qualification for next year`s European Championship finals. But once again it will be for the antics of Wayne Rooney that the game will be remembered. His petulant assault on a Montenegro defender saw his rightful dismissal and resulted in all round condemnation. The result was perhaps disappointing but Rooney once again proved to be an embarrassment for the game, for himself and his seemingly dysfunctional family and for the nation. Not a good start.

On to Auckland and the inept `performance` by the England rugby team which, perhaps mercifully, resulted in defeat against the French and an early departure from the Rugby World Cup. Now, sometimes defeat is honourable, even heroic, but it seemed to me that all the off field nonsense perpetrated by this England team during their stay in New Zealand was somehow transferred onto the field of play - the carelessness, thoughtlessness and false sense of entitlement merely confirmed that the whole venture to the antipodes also became embarrassing.

I think my despair brought about by this weekend was summed up late last night, when former Home Secretary and serial taxpayer swindler, Jacqui Smith, popped up on tv once more to give her verdict on today`s newspapers. I`ve grumbled about her before, of course, only this time she appeared on BBC News 24 rather than Sky. Her appearance, this time paid for by the compulsion of the licence fee, seemed somehow to encapsulate the malaise flowing through the country right now - it really doesn`t matter how disappointingly or embarrassingly you may have behaved, the lessons go unlearnt, the changes go unmade and you can just carry on regardless. The prevailing culture of drawing a line in the sand and moving on at the end of the day as if nothing has happened is once again confirmed.

For decades now, this country has been in decline and right now, as I look around, I see nothing that suggests we wont carry on falling. Small wonder then, that I feel like Pooh sitting in his puddle with his empty honey jar and it`s not just because it`s Monday morning.

2011-10-06T11:48:00.003Z

A QUESTION OF BALANCE..

I`m all for fair play, even handedness, equality and all that stuff. It`s just that sometimes the balance of fairness seems tilted too far one way or the other. For example, I`m a big admirer of the awards given for Music of Black Origin - the MoBOs......so I look around for an awards ceremony for Music of White Origin - the MoWOs....and I don`t see one. In a similar vein, if, say, Brighton wants to hold its annual Gay Pride thingy, that`s fine but I don`t see them having a Straight Pride equivilent. There are countless other examples but you get my drift - sometimes it all seems a little bit all one way.

Now, I confess I haven`t followed the intricacies of the Meredith Kercher murder appeals just heard in Perugia against the sentencing of Amanda Knox and Raffele Sollecito and I`m in no position to pass any comment on the case, so I won`t.   But I have been struck by the different reactions to the outcome, which say much about the question of balance I`m pursuing here.

On the one hand, we have witnessed all the razamataz of the homecoming of Amanda Knox with her journey from Italy, via Gatwick, to Seattle being followed every step of the way by the world`s media.   We have seen the predictable hootin` `n` `hollerin` bordering on triumphalism, the Oscar-esque speeches and the promise of more to come with multi-million dollar book deals, film deals and goodness know what else.   In a way it`s understandable - after all, this is America.

But on the other side of all this are the Kercher family, showing  admirable understated dignity in the face of an Italian court decision which, as they say themselves "puts us back to square one` and makes it impossible for them to even contemplate `closure` of the tragedy they have suffered.

So, in my unending yet unrealistic quest for some sort of balance, I think I would prefer to hear a little more of the Kercher family and much, much less of what America is likely to inflict upon the Knox family and the rest of us.

2011-10-04T18:27:00.001Z

STILL SMILING..

Last game played on Sunday 2nd October 2011		Pld	Home					Away					Overall					Pts	EP
Last game played on Sunday 2nd October 2011		Pld	W	D	L	F	A	W	D	L	F	A	W	D	L	F	A	Pts	EP

1	Southampton	10	5	0	0	15	4	2	1	2	10	8	7	1	2	25	12	22	+13
2	Middlesbrough	10	1	4	0	6	4	4	1	0	7	1	5	5	0	13	5	20	+8

3	Derby County	10	3	1	1	10	4	3	0	2	4	7	6	1	3	14	11	19	+3
4	West Ham United	10	2	1	2	7	7	3	2	0	11	3	5	3	2	18	10	18	+8
5	Brighton & Hove Albion	10	2	2	1	10	9	3	0	2	6	5	5	2	3	16	14	17	+2
6	Hull City	10	3	0	2	4	3	2	2	1	5	6	5	2	3	9	9	17	0

7	Blackpool	10	3	1	1	10	3	1	3	1	6	6	4	4	2	16	9	16	+7

2011-10-04T09:34:00.001Z

GOOSE AND GANDER...

So, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has told Scotland's First Minister to call an independence referendum "to end the constitutional uncertainty in the country." Alex Salmond has previously stated that he wants to hold a referendum on the issue in the second half of this five-year Scottish parliamentary term, most likely in 2014 or 2015, after a "proper debate, consideration and a white paper."

Now on the basis of what`s good for the goose is also good for the gander, Cameron really ought to be calling the much promised referendum on Britain`s membership of the European Union "to end the constitutional uncertainty in the country." Especially as sucessive Prime Ministers - Blair, Brown and now Cameron - have consistently promised a referendum and consistently refused to have one, presumably on the basis that they think they might lose.

And they`re probably right in that assumption in much the same way that Alex Salmond is delaying the Scottish independance referendum because he`s by no means certain yet of getting the result he wants.

Now I confess to being a confirmed Eurosceptic. I think the EU is too expensive, too keen to impose daft legislation that we slavishly follow, too remote from those who are paying for it and, in many respects, simply duplicates processes already performed very ably by sovereign governments. And I simply don`t buy Cameron`s argument that, as Britain does 40% of its trade with the EU, then to withdraw would have economic consequences that we would regret. Extending that argument to its logical conclusion, therefore, I see no evidence that the trade between the EU and China, Taiwan, Japan, the USA, Vietnam, etc. has dried up because those countries are not EU members. So I think you can guess which way I would vote given the chance.

But whatever one`s views of the EU, my main complaint is actually with those successive Prime Ministers and their broken promises which perhaps more than anything brings the game of pre-election promises into disrepute and therefore goes to the very heart of the democratic process. So in a way, even if you are a keen Europhile and wish that whingers like me would just go away, I suggest you might also want the referendum you too were promised so you could have your say too and "end the constitutional uncertainty." Unless, of course, you already know what the outcome will be.

2011-10-03T18:48:00.001Z

AN UNFAIR COMPARISON..

Well, the weather forecasters all predicted that, here in Kent, today would see an end to this wonderful Indian Summer we have been enjoying for the last week. So, given that prediction, we felt we should put Barney in the car and take him for a scamper down to the beach at St. Mary`s Bay, pictured above, and take the chance to enjoy the last rites of this belated summer before it fades away into Autumn and Winter.

St. Mary`s Bay has a very big beach when the tide is out as it was this morning and when our three sons were very young we used to enjoy our days there. I recall playing cricket with them there on the sands and, as we always have done, just enjoyed being with our boys and sharing their company. So we go back there now and again to get some sea air, let Barney loose and recall those days 40 years ago when we liked nothing more as a family than to be together enjoying life.

Trouble is, we`ve been spoilt. All these years on from those wondrous days of childhood innocence, we`ve got a bit fussy in our old age and I think today St. Mary`s Bay suffered from an unfair comparison with all the other beaches we have enjoyed this summer - Mothecombe, Porhtcurnick, Daymer Bay, Polly Joke, Crantock, Lundy Bay and all the others. Here`s a picture I took of Crantock beach just a couple of weeks ago:-

It`s a bit different. St. Mary`s Bay certainly has its sands but also not a little mud, the occasional `outfall` and the panoramic view, even on a day like today, of the water tower at Littlestone and the nuclear power station at Dungeness, does not inspire in quite the same way as the wonders of Crantock and the others I have mentioned.

It`s not St. Mary`s Bay`s fault, of course. It is what it is and therefore it is unfair to make the comparison, but we came away not just disappointed but also a little depressed, which condition has only been lightened by this afternoon securing another holiday next Spring back in the glories of Cornwall. I can hardly wait.

2011-10-01T13:44:00.000Z

GENIUS..

I was very sad to learn of the passing of David Croft who along with Jeremy Lloyd and Jimmy Perry was responsible for creating those wonderful comedy series such as Dad`s Army, Are You Being Served, It Aint `alf Hot Mum, Hi-de-Hi and `Allo, Allo.

Wonderful characters, memorable settings, programmes beautifully directed, acted and produced and all relying on `simple` humour and extraordinary situations rather than the `comedy` of today that relies so much on rudeness, bad language and a lot of shouting.

Of course, the litany of characters across the spectrum of David Croft`s imagination is impressively large. Captain Mainwaring, Gladys Pugh, Mr. Humphries, Corporal Jones, Rene, Michelle of the resistance....but surely the one that stretched the imagination to conceive and appreciate was the character of Officer Crabtree, played with utter conviction by the splendid Arthur Bostrom.

If you think about it, it truly takes a special kind of brain to dream up an Officer Crabtree. Here we have a British agent behind enemy lines who decides that his best chance of survival is to impersonate a French gendarme. But his French is very limited, so he resorts to a pidgin version of French spoken with an unconvincing accent. Result - hilarity.

As a concept, of course, it`s quite mad but it`s compelling stuff and it works. In a curious way, it reminded me of another ludicrous situation, but one which I suspect was entirely unintended. That came about more than half a century ago, in the days before television became universally available and popular, when someone at the BBC decided it would be a winner to have a ventriloquist on the radio. And so the vent, Peter Brough and his dummy Archie Andrews were let loose on the radio - a madcap creation that allowed Brough`s lips to move quite freely because the radio audience couldn`t tell anyway.

Brough and Andrews were bizarre characters created as a result of good intentions being horribly misplaced, whereas David Croft`s characters are all the result of purposeful creative genius. So thank you, David Croft. You will be much missed but your legacy will live on.

Gid moaning indood !

2011-09-30T19:32:00.000Z

BEFORE IT`S TOO LATE..

There`s something desperately sad about political party conferences. The false `togetherness,` the stage managed everything, the coreographed applause, the standing ovations, the pathetic preaching to the converted and the self centred notion that the nation out there is either interested or cares about their ramblings. But the saddest thing at this week`s Labour Party Conference in Liverpool was the guest appearance by 16-year old Rory Weal.

Now on one level he is to be congratulated for having the courage to stand up and deliver his `speech` to a wide audience both in the conference hall and on television. On the other hand, there`s something vaguely worrying about Labour having to rely on a teenage schoolboy to bring much needed headlines and something vaguely sinister in them using this young man in such a way. I witnessed someone old before his time, someone who should have been somewhere else, doing something completely different.

Each of our three sons went to the same school as Rory still does - Oakwood Park Grammar School in Maidstone - but when they were there I`m convinced they were more concerned with things like football, cars, music, girls and all the usual stuff that adolescents are supposed to be in to. Not for a moment did any of them show the slightest interest in the kind of fol-de-rols that go on at party conferences and, as for standing up and having the pretension to address the nation, well, forget it.

And yet Rory has been feted, admired and given more publicity than he could ever have imagined; some of it good, some not so good. For it transpired that rather than being a downtrodden victim of modern day society, he has come from a privileged background, with a millionaire property developer father and a comfortable £300,000 family home in an affluent suburb of Maidstone. All was not as it seemed, it seems, but that should come as no surprise given the counterfeit nature of politicians, political parties and, most of all, their conferences.

Rory is clearly an accomplished actor. He had learnt his lines, he looked the part and his delivery was convincing and so maybe that is a path he should pursue rather than the preposterous world of politics. But surely, at 16 years of age, the one thing he should do more than any other is simply get a life. Before it`s too late.

2011-09-30T08:57:00.000Z

THE ROAD TO NIRVANA..

Recent events from this madcap world have shown how, in two easy stages, it might be possible to reach Nirvana - that much sought after `state of supreme happiness.` It goes like this.

Just up the road from me there`s a nice bit of rural countryside, with rolling fields nestling beneath the North Downs - all within the designated Green Belt. I`ve no idea who owns the land but I`m thinking of moving up there, acquiring a white Transit van and constructing a shack from various bits of `material that has come my way.` It will be idyllic - surrounded by peace and quiet, no hastle, the freedom of the open air - what could be better?

Of course, I won`t have to pay any taxes, council or otherwise and it doesn`t really matter to me that maybe I shouldn`t be there because my human rights will outweigh any conscientious feelings I might have. Now I imagine that those in `authority` might take a bit of a dim view of it and I suppose I might be served with the odd eviction notice and stuff like that but I`m pretty sure the United Nations, Vanessa Redgrave, a whole host of lawyers and human rights activists will come to my aid and fight for me to be allowed to stay. If all goes well, I might just have ten years or so before I`m presented with enough inducements to encourage me to leave.

The other thing I have in mind is to start borrowing shedloads of cash and spending it on stuff I might not really need whilst also maintaining my essential stocks of tarmac, lucky heather, lavender and such like. Of course, I`ll do my best to try and pay some of it back but I`m pretty sure it will be impossible. No matter, because one bright day the people to whom I owe said shedload will come along and tell me that they`ve written off, kissed goodbye, to at least half of what I owe them and at the same time they`ll give me another shedload so I can go and spend that.

Now if those two `strategies` - which might at first glance appear unconnected - are put together, then the Road to Nirvana is guaranteed. All you have to do is find a nice bit of Green Belt land on the outskirts of Athens and you`ve got it made.

2011-09-28T13:44:00.000Z

NOT SUCH LIGHT RELIEF AFTER ALL..

Having ploughed my way doggedly through Stieg Larsson`s magnificent Millenium Trilogy, I thought I deserved a little light relief, so I bought a copy of Pam Ayres` memoir, `The Necessary Aptitude.` I have long enjoyed her poems and the engaging delivery with her broad Berkshire accent and I thought it would be interesting to explore her memoir of the years since she was born in the Berkshire village (I think it might be in Oxfordshire now) of Stanford in the Vale. The Vale is, of course, the Vale of the White Horse, named for the mysterious figure carved on White Horse Hill above Uffington all those centuries ago.

I discovered some things that struck chords with me. My late mother was born in a small village just outside Swindon and, although she had the good sense to escape from there in her teens, wherever she went afterwards she never lost that same lyrical, sing-song, countryside accent that Pam Ayres has made acceptable, even enviable.

There are references in Pam`s book to places I know well - as well as the White Horse country, there`s Modbury in Devon, deep in the South Hams, with the Exeter Inn, the steep high street and the first community to impose a total ban on plastic carrier bags. Then Paderborn in Germany, where all of 50 years ago today I was stationed seeing out my 731 days of National Service. But also the memories of childhood in a small rural village in an age before health and safety was even thought of.

But as I read on it soon became clear that Pam Ayres was - and still is - more than a bit special. There is a resourcefulness, a willingness to take risks, a strong, adventurous and courageous character which refuses to take no for an answer. But there is also the other side - that of love and loyalty to family and friends and a deep, deep pride, appreciation and affection for her roots where simple pleasures were thought of as riches at a time when everyone knew the boundaries. But it was a determination to extend those boundaries both of geography and of intellect that gave rise to an eventful and varied career that was to provide the backdrop for her acute and perceptive observations of life.

So don`t be influenced by the `persona` you might have seen on television or in theatres around the globe, for underneath that veneer of cheery bumpkinness, of innocence abroad, there lies a wealth of experience, knowledge and perception that find voice in her poems.

And as for the poems themselves, whilst the first impression they may give is of mischievous humour and tongue-in-cheek devilment, what they actually do is say many of the things that we ourselves are unwilling or just too frightened to admit to. Here`s a good example:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oydSZTAns

This is what Roger Lewis had to say when he began his critique of Pam`s recently published memoir :   `When I say that Pam Ayres ought to be the Oxford Professor of Poetry, even the Poet Laureate, I am not being facetious.

Those who thinks she writes doggerel need to think twice. Like Victoria Wood, or the late Sir John Betjeman, Ayres uses simple verse forms - comic ballads or folk song idioms - to make poignant observations about tiresome husbands, gossiping wives, false teeth or battery hens.   I find her work sweet and sour, gentle and sad, and often very moving in its wistful way. Above all, Pam Ayres is comprehensible.`

I agree with all that and, having found out so much more about the national treasure that she has become, it`s clear that the light relief I had in mind when I turned from Lisbeth Salander to Pam Ayres  has turned out to be so much more fulfilling and rewarding.   I suspect many people, myself included, couldn`t tell you the name of the Poet Laureate, but they would if Pam Ayres had got the job.   And poetry would have been so much the richer.

2011-09-26T13:46:00.000Z

REFLECTIONS..

...on a memorable summer.....

This time last week, I was telling myself where I was this time last week. Now I realise I am very fortunate to still have my health, the energy and the wherewithall to do things and go places. But there comes a point in life when you realise that it won`t last forever and so you decide to get on with doing those things and going to those places while you still can and before it`s too late. I guess 72 is as good an age as any to come to that conclusion.....so I have done. And I`ve stopped feeling guilty about it. So we have had a summer of transforming that theory into practice.

And although my `this time last week` phase is beginning to fade, I am nevertheless still reflecting on the places we have discovered and revisited in our trips to Devon and Cornwall this year. And the places I remember with most fondness are those remote sections of the south west coast path where you can just simply be - and let the spectacular scenery enthral, the sea air invigorate and the sounds of the waves, the skylarks and the seabirds captivate and remind you that, whatever labels may have attached themselves to you, whatever self-importance you may have nurtured and whatever place in so-called society you may occupy, you are but a transient speck in the timeless majesty of the natural world.

So, where are these places? Well, we started off in the South Hams of Devon in April and discovered Aymer Cove, pictured above. It`s reached from a choice of footpaths leading from the tiny National Trust car park in the hamlet of Ringmore. It was no surprise to discover that it was here that RC Sherriff wrote `Journeys End,` for that is what it felt like. We revisited the quiet tranquility of the Erme estuary at Mothecombe, where time stands still and the tide dictates the walker`s progress - if you want to avoid a 9-mile detour, you have to wade across the Erme here which is only possible at low tide.

We also renewed our fondness for the coast path from Wembury around to Newton Ferrers and the classic walk from Noss Mayo, around the headland, along the Warren and back to the village for a pub lunch. (We have already booked up to stay in Noss Mayo next September so we can do it all again.)

Rosevine evening

(click on photo for larger image)

May saw us discover Rosevine, deep in Cornwall`s Roseland Peninsula and the away-from-it-all pleasure of strolling down the hill each morning to Porthcurnick beach, across the fields to Portscatho, getting what we needed for the day and deciding where to go. Spoilt for choice really, but we did manage to coast path around St. Anthony`s Head, the Percuil River, Nare Head and the Dodman as well as going back to the idyllic setting of the church at St. Just in Roseland. (We`re going back there next Spring too, all being well.)

July took us to St. Minver on the north Cornwall coast and it was from there that we discovered yet another deserted but glorious cove at Lundy Hole on the stretch of coast path between Port Quin and Rumps Point. We also found our way to Port Isaac and another visit to Daymer Bay and the magic wander along the Greenaway to Polzeath, up to Pentire Point and back down again.

And two weeks ago now, we were at Crantock, exploring the coast from there, around Polly Joke, Holywell Bay, past the blot on the landscape that is the Penhale army camp, on to St. Agnes Head and the spectacular Wheal Coates engine house, standing guard above the roaring Atlantic.

Polly Joke

(click for larger image)

But again, what will linger longest in the memory is the quiet remoteness of Polly Joke - too far from car parks to be crowded, no `facilities` apart from the beach, the sea, the surf and the surrounding hillsides of Kelsey Head. Like `Journeys End,` it was no surprise to discover that it was here that Winston Graham hired a small hut and spent a summer writing Demelza, the forerunner to his Poldark series.

And now we have the winter looming ahead but the prospect of getting out there again, braving the headlands, discovering new coves, breathing in that salt laden air along endless beaches and clifftops and feeling truly alive, will make me determined to get to 73 and beyond and continue getting the most out of whatever life is left. Do you blame me after a summer like that?

2011-09-24T20:30:00.001Z

DUNCES OF THE DAY..

To be fair, at the end of the day I`ve got to put my hand up and admit that today Snopper Street`s footy teams garnered just seven points from the nine on offer, thanks to my own team, the Saints, managing only a draw. They made the long journey to Turf Moor where a determined Burnley side went ahead in a first half which they dominated. It took an 80th minute equaliser from French midfield schemer Morgan Schneiderlin to salvage a point for the visitors but despite dropping two points, they remain top of the Championship thanks to close rivals Middlesbrough only managing a draw themselves.

In other news, the Addicks of Charlton played host to the Spireites of Chesterfield and emerged 3-1 winners to keep them firmly at the top of the League One table. Charlton`s third game clinching goal came courtesy of a deft assist from our street`s icon Scott Wagstaff whose recent goal drought has denied his followers the aesthetically challenging vision that is his goal celebrating `brick.`

Finally, but by no means least, the rampaging Gills secured yet another 3-1 home win against Paul Peschisolido`s Burton Albion to maintain their position in the promotion places. But the dunces of the day must be the Saints. On another day, the host of gilt edged chances that came their way today would have been buried but if you don`t take them, you can have no complaints at the end of the day. To be fair.

2011-09-24T09:36:00.001Z

I was alarmed to read of the passing of 76-year old Michael Faherty who was found dead lying on his back in his house in West Galway. A detailed investigation into the cause of death offered no explanation other than that he was burned to death as a result of spontaneous human combustion.

The inquest heard from `experts` who were certain that Mr. Faherty`s death had not been caused by a nearby fire, there were no traces of accelerants such as petrol and nothing to suggest foul play. As a result, the coroner was `left with the conclusion that this fits into the category of spontaneous human combustion for which there is no adequate explanation.`

A tragic and baffling case all round but it got me wondering about ways to bow out from what is a baffling world. And, as I have reched a certain age, I have begun to speculate as to how I might like to make my exit and I rapidly reached the conclusion that spontaneous human combustion is not for me, thank you very much.

Now I realise that my departure may not be in my own hands, so to speak, but nevertheless there might well be a few more preferable options that the fate which befell the unfortunate Mr. Faherty. One might be to depart on the nest; another might be to wave goodbye on the golf course, possibly having just birdied the notorious par 3 sixth at Hever Castle.

But I think the preferred option for me at least would be to bid farewell to this cruel world as the final whistle blows in the Champions League Final after the Saints have crushed Manchester United. This option seems to be the one that might guarantee I`m still around for quite a while yet. Suits me.

2011-09-22T12:39:00.001Z

THE MADNESS RETURNS..

My very good friend Mr. Slightly commented the other day on one of my posts concerning football that, football apart, `the world is quite mad.` He was right. And now we have yet another example from, unsurprisingly, the European Court of Human Rights.

It was in December last year that I had a bit to say about the tragic case of 12 year old Amy Houston who was mown down and killed by a failed asylum seeker who used Article 8 of the Human Rights Act to be allowed to stay in this country because he had fathered two children here - http://snoppersays.blogspot.com/2010/12/blog-post.html may jog the memory.

And now we have yet another case that stretches reason to its limits. The other day, a Nigerian serial rapist escaped deportation after European judges ruled that he had a right to a `private life` here in Britain. This after he had been found guilty of raping a 13 year old girl and having exhausted every legal avenue of appeal in this country. Indeed, his case to be allowed to remain was so flimsy that the Court of Appeal refused to hear it.

Despite all of that, the European Court of Human Rights sitting in splendid isolation in Strasbourg not only ruled in his favour but also awarded him costs of £3,500. The seven judges, seen existing stage left above, included representatives of such pillars of reason as Bosnia, Albania and Montenegro, said that the Court must `protect his social ties with Britain,` despite the fact that he has no wife, long term partner or children in the UK, all of which are factors which foreign criminals have used to stay here under the now discredited Article 8.

The crime he committed is appalling but the nonsensical decision to effectively show leniency towards someone who shouldn`t be here anyway is, frankly, astonishing and it shows once more the farcical world we seem forced to endure all the while we are strapped to the yoke of the EU. Now of course, I confess to having my `difficulties` with anything connected with the EU - common agricultural policy, fisheries policy, its vast expense, its totally ineffective management of its common currency, it`s wasteful and unnecessary dabbling in foreign affairs.....I could go on.

And at this point, I have reminded myself of the words of Jean Monnet, a French diplomat and a `founding father` of the EU, who said, "Europe`s nations should be guided towards the superstate without their people understanding what is happening. This can be accomplished by successive steps each disguised as having an economic purpose but which will eventually and irreversibly lead to federation." Indeed.

Now I agree that all of that is perhaps a long way away from having a moan about yet another daft decision from the judges in Strasbourg, but it does serve to remind me that all the big things that are going wrong with Europe, coupled now with these humanly tragic `smaller` issues, surely make the case of themselves for this country`s politicians to do what they promised - a referendum on Europe and a Bill of Rights following withdrawal from the Human Rights Act.

Trouble is, we`ve got a coalition government with the inevitable result that nothing will happen here and, all the while, the madness of Europe will continue unchecked. And you wonder why people like Mr. Slightly and myself try to escape all the madness and find comfort, and sometimes even reassurance, in football.

2011-09-20T08:54:00.001Z

THIS TIME LAST WEEK...

I don`t know if you`re like me but, each time I get home from a good holiday, I keep thinking to myself, "This time last week we were......" And this time last week, Mrs. Snopper, Barney and I were on our way to finally making it to the elusive Stepper Point, the western headland of the Camel estuary in Cornwall.

I called it elusive because we had seen the view towards Stepper Point countless times from the opposite side of the estuary as we have been frequent visitors to the Greenaway, the section of the south west coast path between Polzeath and Trebetherick. We had often wondered what it would be like to get to Stepper Point and look back scross the estuary and see those places we knew so well from a different perspective. Until last week, however, it had remained elusive.

I looked it up on the map and noticed that, rather than having to contend with Padstow, there were lanes leading out towards the Point where we might be able to park and walk from there. We`re not keen on Padstow - too crowded, too much overpriced industrialised catering - but we do like the surrounding area and after a couple of false starts, we made our way through Crugmeer to Lellizzick, where we discovered a car park (£2 per car....but no-one there to take our money and mercifully no ticket machine.)

Off we strode, along the river bank, past the former pilot houses and coastguard houses at Hawkers Cove and as we did so I gave a silent tribute to the memory of Edward Woodward who spent his last years in this remote, glorious tranquility with spectacular views which only got better as we climbed to reach the tower at the top pf Stepper Point.

On the way back down, I took some photos. The one at the top shows the coast path descending from the Point with all the while those breathtaking views of the Camel estuary, across to Daymer Bay, Polzeath, beyond Padstow and across to the Greenaway.

Ah, the Greenaway! The late Sir John Betjeman, although born in London, was brought up in Trebetherick and so knew and loved the Greenaway:-

I know so well this turfy mile

These clumps of sea pink weathered brown

The breezy cliff, the awkward stile

The sandy path that takes me down

To crackling layers of broken slate

Where black and flat sea-woodlice crawl

And isolated rock pools wait

Wash from the highest tides of all.

I know the roughly blasted track

That skirts a small and smelly bay

And over squelching bladderwrack

Leads to the beach at Greenaway

.......and so on. Small wonder then that, having finally made it to Stepper Point and looked back across to the Greenaway, the following day we returned there once again only to gaze across to Stepper Point, where we were this time last week.